Saturday, July 22, 2006

When Is It Over?

So you had your heart broken. Endless thoughts of not being able to continue living, of not knowing how to start all over again. And after an eternity of denial, misery and letting-go drama, you begin to ask, “Am I ok?”

When is it really over? When you stop crying? When you feel numb of the pain? When you’re done listening to gushy songs? When you claim that you have moved on? When you start considering the idea of falling in love again?

Answer your question with a “yes” and you feel relieved. At last, you’ve gathered the broken pieces together. You smile a lot now. You meet a lot of people. You work hard. You think of a dazzling future awaiting you. You enjoy. It’s the perfect time of your life.

Unexpectedly, along your busy schedule, an old familiar song plays. An old note slips from your last year’s organizer. A familiar scent stirs your deepest oblivion. An old friend drops by to see how you’re doing. And you say “I’m great!” But at the back of your mind, you’re in fact asking, “Am I?” You begin questioning your new-found life. Are you happy? Are you content? Is this what you really want of your life? Are you complete?

Slowly you start staring blankly in front of your piles of paper works. And you just can’t acknowledge the fact that a part of you failed to completely erase the past. Hey, how can it possibly happen? Aren’t you over those thoughts already? Didn’t you hear yourself saying you’ve moved on? You try hard to mask yourself from these thoughts incessantly haunting you until your last yawn at night.

Unfair isn’t it? You had to take that long agonizing ride to get your life back, just to be rattled by a song… a note… a scent… a memory that you’ve tried to put behind you. Is it really over? It may be years already. A thought, just a mere thought of your endless what-ifs, will eventually wreck what you’ve struggled to have now. And you can’t just let it happen. You convince yourself that you’re not dumb enough to go through that misery all over again.

It’s been a while. And you’ve already regained yourself, your pride. You’ve learned how brilliant you are, how remarkably beautiful… You realized your worth. You realized that somewhere, something better awaits you… something that was especially prepared for you to discover, treasure, and keep... this time for real.

Now, you ask. Is it really over? A wise girl who learnt to love herself the hard way would proudly say, this time with finality, yes.