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When You Have to Wait

2011-11-03T11:23:00.002+08:00

Waiting has almost lost its place in the dictionary these days. People no longer understand what it means to wait. Your pizza delivery is late for one minute and the pizza store promises it’s free. That may be the price for not being true to a commitment, but that can also be seen as a reward for being impatient.

Why marinate when you can microwave? Why prefer something that would take too long over something that can be yours in one click? Would the taste be different? Would the satisfaction be any better?

Waiting is hardly considered an art, but an agony. When things don’t go the way you want them to and when you want them to, how desperately you would try to turn things around just to have it your way. To fit it into your own timetable.

However, while there are things in life that can be yours without having to think about and mope around for before you get, there remains those that are uncertain and are just beyond your control. And screaming at the top of your lungs “RIGHT NOW!” doesn’t just get you anywhere.

Waiting is a test. A test of character. A test of faith. It brings us to a point of humility that not everything is under our control. It leads us to acceptance of the circumstances that are way beyond us. It tells us that the delay does not necessarily mean denial of whatever we are waiting for. It teaches us how not to settle for anything less and expect for the best. It gives us room to check our own hearts and motives. Is this really what I need, or do I deserve something better? Am I really ready for this or do I want it now just for my own self-centered desires?

You see, there is more than just getting what you want when you want it. There is a season and reason for everything. It may not be in sync with our own calendar and we may not understand the reasons, but in stillness and trust, we get to realize that indeed, good things come to those who wait.

That Was Me

2011-08-31T11:07:00.001+08:00

He’s gazing through the thick crowd, eyes locked to a certain direction. There are people coming and going but still he manages to get a position that catches her every movement, every laughter and sparkle in her eyes. And there he gazes. No one knows what’s going through his mind. But in his eyes, there is that look. Deep. Unmoved. Oblivious of what’s happening around him. Even to the pair of eyes staring at him.

He meets her as she happily walks across the hall unaware of the length of that stare. They exchange a quick chat like casual friends do. He touches her at her arm as he heads on to a different direction. To others it seems just an innocent act. But to her it brings comfort and an unexplainable joy. Still, no one knows what’s going through his mind.

They are seated on different sides of the hall. In a little while, he rises from his seat and joins her. But not too close. He knows how to be careful with his actions with all these people around. He chooses the right distance, the right gestures. He believes he’s doing it all right. But no one knows what’s going through his mind.

They seem to enjoy their little chat. A few more people join them. Then a few more. Laughter fills the air as if the whole world were their own. They love every minute of it. It’s fun. It’s family. It’s life.

He has found a circle where he fits in. He is enjoying time with the new people in his life. This is his world. But it is a lot more fun because she’s there. If not, it just isn’t complete.

In some days, they simply work together. They share their visions with each other. They spend late nights talking about their dreams, their purpose in life and how excited they are for the future. It doubles the thrill to be with a person to share them with. And the walk gets easier to endure with someone to hold hands with. The wait is bearable when there is a tiny glimpse of hope to hold on to.

And he shares his life with her. He enjoys being with her. He cares for her. He sees her. With her is a sense of contentment. With her, he can just be. And everything seems to be going well. Everything seems to be just right. Everything seems to be falling into its proper place.

Everything happens right in front of my eyes. And I could go on thinking what’s going through his mind. I could go on wondering what’s beneath that look. But what I know is a year ago, that gaze was headed right to my direction. A year ago, in there was my world. That was my life. A year ago, that woman was me.

A Fairy Tale

2011-08-05T16:50:00.001+08:00

The Beginning.

Once there was a warrior. He was a mercenary - a hired sword. He had no position or any title of respect, but the people looked up to him for his courage and success.

The Task.

The king of majesty called for the warrior. He hired him to slay a dragon. It was no ordinary enemy. The dragon was the size of 2 volcanoes... and as fierce and fiery as such.

"Count all that you have earned in your previous battles and you will receive a reward tenfold. And even own a land flowing with milk and honey and earn the title of a prince. This is your promised land."

Now the king knew the warrior was not ready. He gave his best soldiers to train with him in all aspects and styles of the bow and the sword. The king lent him machines of war. Ballistae, catapults and chariots. The warrior trained in the king's kingdom and courts.

The Princess.

In the king's courts lived the princess. She was the loveliest and the most adorable woman in her kingdom - a daughter of the most high King. She led the healers and the nurses of the kingdom, welcoming the sick, the needy, the oppressed and the poor into the kingdom courts. People looked up to her for her beauty and compassion.

She remained in their kingdom all her life. Although she was always summoned for service in most of the kingdom’s affairs, she still had a very few encounter with all the other dwellers of the kingdom.

She spent her early mornings up in the tallest tower of the castle, gazing at the perfect view far beyond the walls of the kingdom. There she began her days before she would do all her tasks.

The Meeting.

One morning the princess heard a disturbance going on inside their courts. Men, young and old, were training. They were preparing themselves for a huge battle, maybe something very critical. She learned about the dragon threatening their kingdom.

As the princess spent that particular morning up in the tower, she watched the men train. What could a sheltered, helpless princess do? If only she were strong enough to go against the dragon herself.

She noticed one particular warrior who stood out in the training. From afar, he seemed very stern and focused on what he was doing. She had never seen anyone in their kingdom who trained with his bow and sword with great fervor. The princess knew that the king’s choice was perfect and she gained confidence that their kingdom was in good hands. Maybe she would meet the warrior face to face someday.

The princess learned to like him. Only once did the prince lose in one of his sparring with his men - it was when he first looked up into the palace court windows and his eyes met hers. A soldier knocked him to his knees. The princess chuckled.

Day by day, she would watch the warrior train. Day by day he would look up the palace courts. The warrior could not help but admire her beauty and stature. She was the loveliest woman he has ever seen. But seeing the princess, he would immediately look away.

He knew he was just a mercenary - no position or any title of respect. Day by day, he dreamed of slaying the dragon, owning the promised land, and becoming a prince that he would someday come with confidence to the princess.

The Night.

That night while the princess was marveling the evening sky, she noticed how restless the mercenary was. The princess went to the royal kitchen and gathered all her servants.

"Come, cook with me. We will cook a most refreshing recipe that only I have known."

The princess walked across the kingdom into the warrior's chambers. Famished as he was, the princess was sure the mere scent of her food would wake the warrior up. She laughed at the thought of it. Little did she know, there was a trap in lay for her.

The Fire.

A big explosion was heard. Fire spread throughout the kingdom and the princess saw a gigantic reptile hand reaching for her. She tried to run, but it was too late. She was afraid.

In a blink of an eye, she found herself already off mid-air and before her was the most hideous face she had ever seen. She was taken captive by the dragon.

The princess heard everyone shouting, “The dragon is here! The dragon is here and it has captured the princess!” The princess was horrified that she didn’t have the strength to scream for help.

The Dilemma.

The warrior ran as fast as he could only to see the giant of a dragon miles away from the kingdom gates. As he gasped for air, a voice echoed across the walls: the voice of the dragon.

"I know your scent my warrior. I know your scent. And I know you are to become a prince and I envy you. Now, listen well my warrior. I will lock away your princess in the most complicated maze ever created. You have three choices."

The Choices.

number ONE: "Pursue her now in this maze. What is the probability that you will find her? What is the probability that you will not? Pursue her now and rescue her, but if you fail to find her in your first try, the princess will burn."

number TWO: "Or you can try to kill me now my warrior. Pursue me now and slay me. What is the probability that I will die? What is the probability that I will not? You have been training with an army, are you not? Slay me and the maze will disappear."

number THREE: "Lastly my dear warrior. You know the edict. It is in the law that whoever rescues a kidnapped princess will have her hand in marriage, is it not? If you wait and let anyone else pursue her, the princess will live and marry another. Princes from far away kingdoms will come, will they not? But the difference between you and them is this: they are not limited to their first chances. What is the probability that they will find her? What is the probability that they will not?"

"Oh, the look in your face my dear warrior. Vengeance is sweet, is it not? What will you choose my warrior?"

The Fear.

It all happened so fast. In just a moment, the princess was locked in a dark dungeon. She peeked through the small window and saw a maze in front of her. Fear was starting to wrap her in the darkness when she heard the echoing voice of the dragon.

The princess was deeply troubled. What did the warrior choose?

She may burn any moment if the warrior chose to rescue her now and fail. If he decided to pursue the dragon, he may get killed. She had been watching him train every day and no matter how intense his training was, the dragon remained a huge opponent.

The Risk.

Now, the warrior knew the first choice will get the princess killed. Serendipity does not belong here. He contemplated on pursuing the dragon, but he knew he was not ready. His men were not ready. If he wanted the princess to live, the third choice will be the best option. He tried his best to stop himself from weeping. He tried to be calm, but he did not know what to do. So he went back to the palace and asked the King.

He came before the throne and knelt down.

The king spoke, "I know. What is the wisest thing to do? You choose. Remember your promised land."

After hours of thinking and kneeling down before his king, the warrior made his decision."

The Choice.

He went out of the palace to train with his men. He knew that the only choice was to defeat the dragon. It was his duty. It was his calling from His king. But the time was not now. He knew that training even more would be his way of slowly and surely defeating the dragon.

Everyday he shouted out battle commands. Everyday, he taught his men on how to handle the bow and the sword. Everyday was painful for him as he hears that thousands of princes went to the maze to rescue the princess. Everyday, he would wake up and sing hymns with the lute and the lyre at the King's courts before training with his men.

Everyday, he would hear the voice of the dragon. But everyday, he would also remind himself of the voice of the King, "Remember the promised land."

He listened to the voice of the King. He focused. That was his choice.

The Wait.

Inside the dungeon, the princess realized she was not the only princess kidnapped, and worse, the others have met an ill fate. Some princesses were burned. Their princes failed their first attempts to figure out the maze. While some princesses grew old in that dark dungeon. Their princes fought the dragon and had failed.

All the princess could do was wait… wait for her warrior to rescue her, or for some other prince bold enough to find her.

Day by day, a rescuer would come by the dungeon, shouting her name. But the princess realized she didn’t want any other prince to save her. So she hid. She would let the older ones be rescued, but she herself would not go. Day by day, she would hear a prince calling her name and she would hide. Day by day was painful for her for she would be tempted to come out of her hiding and earn her freedom. She remembered the edict. She did not want to marry another. She would hide until the maze disappears. She was not sure where he is now, but she waited for the warrior.

She spent every day weeping for the fate that was in front of her. The warrior must find her.

While the princess was mourning, the image of her king appeared before her. “Why are you downcast, my princess? You know I can set you free right here, right now. But I won’t do that. Be patient, for you will be rescued.”

“How long shall I wait my King?” She asked. Her eyes welling up with tears.

“Have faith on me, my princess. You will be rescued. I shall never leave you.”

Worry started to dissolve as the princess remembered her king’s promise. The king has sent someone to do the master plan: to slay the dragon. And she will be freed.

And while she waited, she remembered how the world looked from the tallest tower of the castle. There’s a lot of work to be done in their kingdom. She imagined herself fulfilling her call as the king’s princess. She needed to be still. She ought to have hope.

She made a decision. And again, she waited.

The Battle.

The time came for the warrior to face his dragon. The battle formations were perfect. His army surrounded the now awaken dragon.The dragon deflected arrows, missiles, and great boulders of fire - some sank deep into its scales, some would be deflected into the maze she was in. It would flap its left wing and send chariots flying, its right wing and send archers sprawling. The battle was fierce and the night was a hurricane.

The Stars.

While the dragon was diverted into deflecting attacks, there were ten men climbing off its back. When finally four of them were aligned at its spine, five at its neck and one at the back of its head, the soldiers stopped. From the small window of her dungeon the princess peeked and realized the one at the top was the warrior. The warrior drew his sword and motioned his men to do the same. They raised their blades and they deflected the light of the moonlight and the stars all across the battlefield. With a fierce battle cry, the warrior thrusts deep with all his strength against the dragon's scales. His men followed - into its spine, neck, and skull. The dragon was stunned and fell down. The ground shook with a final violent shake. Everyone shouted for victory.

The Taunt.

The dragon was paralyzed but his eyes were open and aware. He could see the warrior in front of him. The warrior said,

"Oh, the look in your face my dragon. Vengeance is bitter now, is it not? What will you do now,my dear dragon?"

The dragon laughed hysterically and looked into the warrior's face. But the warrior looked back at him and smirked. Behind him was the King laughing even more menacingly - with a laugh of derision. The warrior looked at his King as he gives his approval and with one final slash sent the dragon to the pits.

The warrior then looked at his men and shouted,
"For the King!"

The ground shook with so much violence. Arrows, missiles, and burning catapult bullets filled the air like a looming cloud. It is said that even stars fell out of the sky.

Finally, blood filled the field like flood.

The Promise.

Then it was all quiet.

The princess waited.

The door was opened. She was blinded by the light that penetrated the dungeon.

Finally, she saw her King. And with him was her warrior. For the first time he looked directly at her eyes without ever looking away. He was the prince after all.

The End.

Written by rjs with insights from peb

The Other Side

2011-04-08T16:34:00.000+08:00

Darkness.

Inside is nothing but total darkness. You see nothing but fear enclosing you in. You feel nothing but sorrow and pain. You sense nothing but defeat.

You remain motionless. Seeking. Yet frightened.

You open your eyes wide. And you see that tiny spark you have never seen before. As you move closer, you begin to sense comfort. You begin to see freedom. You sense hope.

Then you realize you’ve been trapped all your life. You realize you’ve never seen light before because you’ve been well acquainted with darkness. But from where you are, it is leading you.

The question is… are you allowing it to take you to the other side?

Under the Scorching Heat

2011-04-08T16:33:00.001+08:00

Couldn’t open my eyes. Couldn’t get off the bed. Still I was able to text my boss: Ma’am, can I go half day? My body’s sore. As soon as I read ok, I was dead. Came back to life at around 9:30. In between, I woke twice. One in my dream where I thought I was already prepping for work. Next was the real one where I was surprised that I was still asleep the whole time! Talk about dreaming in your dream. Weird.

Anyway.

Gotta go to work! So I hurried.

Turned my IPod on, singing praise songs in my head. Sometimes I do get strong urge to sing out loud and lift my hands. Phew! Grateful I still get some form of restraint.

Nearing my drop-off point.

Saw the scorching heat even with my shades on. I simply said… “Lord, it's hot…” By the time I got off the jeep, the sky was already covered with clouds.

I smiled at the extreme sweetness of God.

I don’t want to be overly spiritual on stuffs, but as I walked, technically covered from the heat of the sun, I felt like God is telling me that…

under intense circumstances in life, He will cover me…

under extreme troubles trapping me in, He will protect me…

under impossibilities, he will wrap me with his love…

under all difficulties, he will hide me under his wings.

Ah, how sweet it is to be loved like that!

Thursdays Were Never the Same Again

2011-04-07T16:33:00.002+08:00

I cannot say I’ve shared my entire life with him. We’ve been together for only 2 years. As reserved and guarded as I am, I opened up to him very seldom. If I remember it right, I didn’t even like him that much when I first saw him.

I can no longer recall how I started to warm up with him. Maybe because we spent too many Thursdays together in Starbucks or Hungry Hippo or Mister Donut. Um, well, not really in Starbucks. We’re kuripot.

Then I just found myself always looking forward to those Thursdays. Maybe we always ended up laughing our hearts out, but mind you, we still got things done! And it was when I realized that sharing the same vision with the same passion with the same people makes the bond much stronger than I expected.

That was the beginning… And the little child in me thought it would always be that way. Thursdays spent together. Working plans out together. Sharing joy and victory together. I was not prepared for sudden shift on things.

True, plans were accomplished. And along with it new people were met. New tasks needed to be worked on. Our little world suddenly became wide. And of course it was a thrill. We’ve always wanted that.

Except for the fact that Thursdays were never the same again.

When I learned that he was getting married, I cried. I, myself, couldn’t believe that. I felt like I was losing a dear brother. And I thought: Is it going to be like this with all the people I love? Man, was that heartbreakingly scary!
But after some time inside that shell, I realized some things are not meant to stay the same forever. Okay, it’s not like a new concept. I’ve known of that before and have heard of it countless times, alright? But sometimes, things just make sense to you for the first time and you appreciate it in a unique way.

And with that, perspective changed. Thursdays may still never be the same, but changed Thursdays is actually a lovely thing. More room to grow. More people to share them with. More laughter. More life. More love.

And did I just say I felt like losing a brother? Nah. Now, I am just thrilled to have gained a new sister.

The Story of the Cookie

2011-01-19T17:31:00.005+08:00

Italiannis. Mang Inasal. Cookies.

Those were the food on top of my mind when I was nearing the end of my 7-turned-10-day fast.

For the past 10 days, I must say I might have forgotten the feeling of being physically full. Instead, I got acquainted with the feeling of dizziness and weakness.*

On my last day of fasting, while I was being tortured by the aroma of all the dishes being prepared for the celebration of the town's fiesta, an image of a cookie suddenly popped into my head. Yes. A cookie. Big, luscious, chocolate-coated cookie. I immediately included it on my virtual list of the things I would stuff my mouth with as soon as I got the chance. And I uttered a quick prayer: Lord, I want cookies...

Little did I know I was up for a grand surprise. That same day, I was about to meet with a friend I haven't seen for maybe a month or so. And guess what she was holding inside that brown bag fully protected by a cute purple plastic bag? Yeah! Cookies! Boy, was I thrilled! You can imagine me: wide eyes, wide smile, on the verge of jumping in front of everyone at the bus station!

Some might think I'm such a child to take such a great pleasure with simple cookies. Maybe I am. But having felt the sweetness of God through a loving friend makes me beam with delight! And I will never trade such moments that I get to experience so quickly God's sweet love with chocolate chips on top! <3

*But of course all the hunger and the missing to chew food were all worth the spiritual feeding I got! Finished by such a great surprise! =)

Day 4: The Walls Will Crumble

2011-01-11T13:43:00.003+08:00

The wall may look sturdy. It may look unmovable. It may look undefeatable.

But don’t miss out the one thing that outweighs all the impossible.

God’s immeasurable power. Overflowing grace. Indescribable goodness.

What could be more outrageous than the Israelites marching around the walls of Jericho for seven days and expect it to fall down? (Joshua 6:1-27)

But they did! They believed. And the walls fell down.

I can never comprehend the ways of God. I simply stand amazed that what he did in the past, he is still capable of doing up to this very minute, for he never changes.

As I read the passage for the nth time in Day 4, I was awestruck. For the nth time. After this 7-day prayer and fasting, could we be more excited to see all the walls of our life, of our families, of the church and of this nation crumble down?

Just make sure we are standing there to witness it before our very eyes.

Can’t believe it’s Day 5! =)

Day 1: Courage (The Fear of Being Labeled a Weirdo)

2011-01-07T17:14:00.006+08:00

I was kind of shying away from my officemates who asked me why I didn't join them for lunch. I didn’t know how to react nor explain what I’m doing. I didn’t want to sound too spiritual or worse, religious. I was a bit scared of being labeled a weirdo or self-righteous.

But then what else could I expect? They would bug me anyway.

I felt a tug to speak up. After all, today is all about strength, courage and boldness. And I did. I told an officemate about fasting as not a religious thing but something done to seek more of God and His will in my life. I told her about the kinds of fast and that there’s no required type of fast, for whatever fast you do is a commitment with God and is definitely honored by Him.

And they all said: How can you stand not eating at all? I can never do that.

And I have only one response: It’s only by God’s grace.

Talk about being full in the middle of hunger.

Talk about being strong in the middle of weakness.

Talk about hearing more when you empty yourself before God.

And finally taking the step.

<3

Calloused

2010-10-21T14:13:00.005+08:00

I heard it again. Then I knew I made the right decision.

I can't lie.

It's not that I haven't done it in my entire life. I'm just not very good at it. You won't miss it if I try to lie. I fidget. I can't fix my gaze. I stammer. It feels terribly wrong. It's awful.

I don't want to hear any lie either. It gives me a very uneasy feeling. It makes me quiver. It makes me doubt. It makes me question. If you can lie on small stuff, who knows what else you can lie about. It is a test of character. Of what truly is inside. Are you genuine? Or is it just another lie?

We can lie about a whole lot of things. From what we are doing to what we are feeling to who we really are. When we get used to a lie, it flows out of our lips so naturally that even ourselves believe it's true. When we rehearse it, it becomes a part of us in an intrinsic kind of way. It somehow becomes our reality.

And that's dangerous. It is when our hearts become calloused. We become oblivious of the gravity of it. It can lead us to its depths without us even knowing. We'll just wake up one day surprised at how far that tiny lie had led us. And we cannot even distinguish the truth from the lie anymore. It's that subtle. It's that dangerous.

Life lived in lie is a waste. It's pitiful. Because even when we're alone, we still try to make ourselves believe that lie. It might work for a while. We might think we are doing just fine, until such time that we suffer the consequences of being in bondage of that lie.

So we then try to figure out where it all started, but we just cannot trace it back. And we find ourselves wanting to get out of it, but we're stuck. Confused. Helpless. Perhaps sorry.

Because we thought all along that nobody sees what's in our hearts. That at the end of it all, we can still come out clean. But the truth is someone sees what's in our hearts. We can try to lie to the world, even to ourselves, but never to him. It is said that nothing concealed will forever be hidden. Everything has its own appointed time. And it will make itself known. No more hiding. No more pretense. No more lies.

And we think: If I can just turn back the time...

But we can't. We are doomed.

But just when we thought it's too late for us to repair the damage and to start all over again; just when we thought that the life we lived in that lie has consumed us, there remains a truth that could set us free. A truth that never changes. That we are loved by God and he has blotted all our transgressions. We can be free. He comes knocking at our hearts desiring to replace the lies by the truth of his love. And it's up to us if we would open our hearts for him.

He offers truth. He offers freedom. He offers life.

Oh by the way, I lied. After all, we're not doomed. And we can still come out clean. All because of him. =)

I heard it again. Then I knew I made the right choice.

Oh, How I Hate Alcohol!

2010-10-12T17:11:00.003+08:00

Today, I cannot be more enthusiastic in expressing my opinion about drinking. Once in my principle-distorted life, I agreed with maybe 95% of the world population. That drinking is okay. Occasional or even hardcore drinking, I didn't really mind.

I, too, was a heavy drinker during that PDL (principle-distorted life) of mine. If I were to drink, my principle was I better get really drunk! What is the point of drinking if you're not gonna get yourself drunk? Told ya, the principle was distorted. But when I finally found a life I've never never even thought I wanted, I never had the slightest thought of going back.

Now I see people, even those close to my heart, when they drink and man, I begin to think- was I really like this before? It.was.detestable. I see no sense talking with a drunk person. It's a total waste of time. Totally pointless. It's like you're throwing your words in the air and you're just getting incoherent responses or maybe an annoying giggle. Or maybe a hiccup! And you're seeing the person waving his hand in the air shooing something isn't there trying to make a point that is even irrelevant! Oh, and they get into arguments. Absolutely senseless that fights of 4-year olds seem to have more sense!

It is annoying. But then I am the sane one. I get to control myself. After a few moments of trying to knock the person off in my head to stop him from blabbering all those nonsense talks, compassion sets in. He is not the one speaking. He isn't in control of himself. He is paralyzed by the alcohol and alcohol is the one taking over his body. His mind.

Now that's sad. Instead of hating the person, I feel compassion. Isn't it sad for a person to allow something take over his whole being and let it live in him that he just loses himself into total wastedness? (If there is such a term.)

I once allowed this thing take control of me. Like everybody else, I was blinded by the feeling it brought me- boldness to do something I normally can't do, adequacy in making a stand even in the most foolish point of discussion, portraying a tough image, or merely just the sense that I belong. Yeah, those were just some of the real reasons. Does any of it make sense?

Right now, it's too easy to see the picture clearly. I was purchased from that kind of perspective. And I'm grateful that what I decided to take over me is not something that would lead me to foolishness, but to a life that is full. A life that is secure. It's like you don't need to get the kind of high alcohol gives in order to feel alive. And brave. And capable. The alcohol doesn't give you that. It never can. You cannot hide behind the arrogance of alcohol to cover who you are. Coz at the end of the day, when you already are sober, you're still you- afraid, insecure, broken.

But the good news is, God has loved you despite your imperfections. Despite your flaws. But you won't experience that liberating love when you're drunk. Only in act of acceptance that you are not the god of your life can you allow his grace to cover you. Only in act of surrender will you experience that God is more than capable and willing to give you a life that you never thought possible. A life backed with a huge God you can be confident with. It's only a matter of choice.

The hollowness, the insecurities, the hiding can come to an end. And it's alcohol-free!

No More Repeats

2010-10-03T20:27:00.003+08:00

I found myself in a very familiar situation. It was as if I were transported back in time. And I couldn't believe it's happening again. The only difference is I'm wiser now. At least that's what I'd like to believe. If I weren't I wouldn't be able to realize that I'm heading to that same direction, right?

Which reminds me of a proverb that was very well explained by Andy Stanley. Well enough that it's been popping in my head when I'm in the middle of crossroads. "The prudent see danger and seek refuge, while the simple keep going and suffer for it."

You bet there's a loud red alert signal that I could see right now. Must've been there for a while, but it's only now that I really paid attention. It was almost audible I can no longer pretend to miss it.

Now the question: What would my next move make me? Prudent or simple? Will I keep going or will I seek refuge?

I cannot suffer any more for my unwise decisions. I cannot allow any more repeats. I've been taught too much. Been under a lot of test. Who wants to repeat? Not me...

Sept. 27. Psalm 1. What a great reminder to focus my eyes and delight in God. Heart check: Where is my strength? To whom do I run to for security? For protection? To whom have I entrusted the key to my heart? Ah, you won't believe how God has intervened! My heart has gone a total U-turn!

God must have been really busy teaching me. Can't say I'm the perfect student for that matter, but yeah, I am getting this now. What a long ride it has been. Really tough one, huh. I haven't graduated yet, but hey I'm not stagnating as well. And I'm not settling until He has corrected, purified and renewed every single detail my heart has to cry out to Him.

Spared

2010-09-27T19:19:00.003+08:00

The second set.

Maybe I wasn't ready for that big blow. But I was spared from the drama of going through it. Some might say it was just a device failure. Or plain stupidity on my part, yet with spiritual eyes I smiled knowing God wouldn't want me to delay. So even with the right press of buttons, I knew it must've been Him who hasten the process. Funny and stunning. He can even work that way?

I had to restart my phone, mind you. And when I finally saw that it was all gone, totally, I just sighed. Oh, you're just making it all sound so big a deal, you might say. I wish I were just talking about messages so I could agree with you.

But you know what I got to understand and still trying to understand? The word surrender isn't a one time thing. I didn't lift it all to Him who knows what's best in one night and ended up problem-free! I guess now my pace of coping is no longer enough. God must have been that patient with me and my seemingly endless walking in circles. He had allowed me up to this point that I had to be pushed already.

Man, I don't wanna be pushed any harder than this. I have decided, I have resolved to wait upon you Lord (as the song goes). I could still be more willing, but the amount I need right now should be just enough.

It all started with messages. Who knows what I will need to give up next. In any case, God's grace is sufficient in each phase. And I choose to trust Him.

Messages Deleted 100%.

Should be a good news. I'm trying to look at it that way. I really am. But even if I still can't, I am already here. I can't back off now and I am called, if not really pushed, to move forward.

So moving forward I will do.

Messages Deleted

2010-09-25T18:01:00.002+08:00

50 messages? I'm not sure. I lost count already.

I just felt the need to do some urgent clean-up drive. The messages were occupying a huge space in my device memory and also in some part of my human memory I would have rather purged early on.

Was that brave or what? I think that was wise.

I needed to do that to give enough space for something new that would come. Something that deserves to take the space. The unnecessary ones need to go.

But until it's clear and certain that it's the one to stay; until the untimely become just right on time; until it's just right, I will keep on deleting.

Messages Deleted.

Whew.

An Empty Message

2010-09-24T17:50:00.000+08:00

Taking exams. When can I ever overcome my fear from it? Don't blame me. I have failed the most important exams in my life, if not all. I failed my college entrance exams. All universities. I failed the first and supposedly easiest part of my first job entrance exam and got kicked out of the room while the other stayed to the take the next part!

Imagine how traumatic that can be! I spent significant amount of time doubting whether I was really good enough. I was humiliated. My pride wounded.

Fortunately, that was the story of the past.

Failures always get me challenged. After failing all those exams, I said: I would avenge myself. I will prove to the whole world that I was not created to fail.

As determined as I was to redeem myself, I passed the exams the second time around. All of it. Take that huh! (Me talking to the universities who once rejected me.)

The greatest news of today: another job entrance from a company I once dreamed working for, and I PASSED! I was literally smiling the entire time since I got the letter with the word CONGRATULATIONS in it, in all caps and bold letters! I could've welcomed any stranger who would talk to me while I was walking with that huge grin in my face I just couldn't wipe off.

I excitedly sent my dad a message telling him the good news. Not that I expected a reply. It was just my way of somehow reaching out to him and if in any way it could change his mindset of how a proud daughter I am.

So anyway, I was surprised when my phone beeped and I got a reply from him. Only it was an empty message.

I almost laughed. My dad has a new phone and he must have pressed some wrong keys here and there. Knowing my dad, he had no intention of replying. Who knows, maybe he was even trying to press the delete button!

In any case, I was still delighted. I knew he got my message.

Soon, I'm hoping to get not just an empty message. Maybe something that says he's proud of me.

There's nothing wrong with holding on to a promise of reconciliation. =)

An Absurd Thought About Ashley

2010-09-19T15:17:00.003+08:00

I've heard it many times. I've cried over Ashley's story again and again. How can one person who "had life for the first time in her 22 years" just died after 4 months of finding that life? But then there's always a reason for everything, right? Ashley had been an inspiration to the entire world in just a matter of four months. Maybe that's her purpose. Or that it is the way to get her dad to know the Truth. Those are pretty good reasons. And I don't discount the fact that as short as her life may have been, it really made an impact even to those people who didn't even know her. We may speculate other reasons, but then again nobody can really tell. One day, I'll ask God about it.

So now I'm talking about life's purpose and death.

Sometimes I wonder if God would allow me to not wake up the next morning. How would that affect the world? Would God use my death to shout his glory as well? Maybe to get to touch the heart of my dad too? Would my reason for existence be to dramatically change the world by my death?

Haha. I can almost hear God say "What on earth are you thinking about?"

There's a lot of work to do! Nations to reach. Eyes to be opened. Lives to be changed. And I believe that my living could do a lot more than me being inside a casket right away. And I am excited to do the work! I'm excited about how God will reveal before my very eyes the benefits of working with him...alive.

Ashley's story is just one of a kind. And I just wonder about death sometimes. That's all. *wink*

The Nod

2010-09-07T17:26:00.002+08:00

He's been giving me the same nod for a few months now. Every time I'd invite him for lunch or dinner, or even when I'm just saying goodbye as I leave the house.

Yesterday, I opened my mouth for some words again- "I'm leaving." He was talking to someone over the phone and gave me like a 3-second look and nodded. Phew. Not that I expected something more than that. It took me 30 minutes or so just to get the courage to say goodbye. At least I got some form of acknowledgment ;)

This season's gonna be tougher than I expected. I still get a feeling of uncertainty once in a while, but I found a secret to overcome that! Fixing on a promise that's certain. A promise that never changes. A love that stands firm. And I believe soon, I'll be getting more than just a nod from my dad. Who knows, maybe a hug? =)

Manila: For Real?

2010-08-26T15:36:00.004+08:00

Day 2 in Manila.

I almost cried out of exasperation yesterday. I didn't realize how frustrating it was to look for an apartment. All the ones I've checked looked either scary or unhygienic. Just imagining myself to be living in such kind of place makes me wanna throw up and feel sorry for myself. Add the remark of my friend, "this must be really hard for you..." with that sympathetic look. Ugh, I wanted to burst in tears right there and then!

But well, that was yesterday. And I made a promise I'll quit playing the victim role! So I woke up early and prepared myself for another day. I still had some anxiety attacks and the I-don't-want-to-do-this-anymore bratty attitude of mine, but give me a break. I am just beginning, okay?

So after all those delays before I could even step out of my friend's condo, I finally headed on for my day 2's adventure. I went for a job interview, which gave me an option to accept or decline the offer. Talk about favor. The decision just depends on whether I would take the job or not! Then, I went on to look for an apartment again. Favor #2? I found the perfect place!

Now it's mid-afternoon and I'm really tired. But I feel I've accomplished a lot already. I know I've got to endure a lot more long walks and jeepney rides for a while. (Now I realize how sheltered I was back in college. I never did any of these stuffs before!) But still in my heart I know I need to pass this test. I've allowed enough foolishness to consume me in the past. This I cannot afford to fail. I can't quit just yet. God must have something wonderful ahead of me and I'm in faith God's grace is sufficient for me to get there!

Yesterday: A Series of Unwise Decisions

2010-08-06T15:09:00.003+08:00

Have you done something and looked so unshakable about it and yet what you really wanted was just the exact opposite of what you've been portraying? Or is it just me? Maybe it's just part of the complicated nature of women. Sometimes, I don't get myself either. Phew!

There were instances in my life when I wanted to be alone and sort things out or simply to have a moment of peace. I call those my me-time.

Yesterday wasn't one of those.

Yesterday, I wanted to be surrounded with people. I wanted to feel loved and cared for. Yet, I wore that mask that I needed nobody. That I could very well take care of myself. That I enjoyed the solitude.

I pushed people away. I remained in my cave. And I waited. I waited if someone would look for me. But, the act was successful. Everyone was fooled by the facade. People called out but nobody looked farther. Nobody searched deeper.

Inside, I focused on the darkness. It was awful.

Now I ask, was it worth it? Did it do me any good? What on earth was I trying to prove? Not only did I push away the people who care about me deeply, but I also shut myself off from the great love being poured on me. Just because what, I wanted more?

I chose not to accept what was given to me. I chose not to listen. Instead I believed nobody cared. While my head knew very well I am never alone, my feelings betrayed me.

I was awakened by a reminder of a love beyond measure. A love beyond reason. A love that knows how ragged I am, yet holds me like the most priceless treasure in the world. And my worth isn't determined by my raggedness, but by his love. A love that laid down his life for me. Who questions that? Who asks for more than that?

Yesterday may be a moment of weakness. I may have slipped from that confidence. I may have allowed the lies to feed my heart. But...Oh boy, you have no idea how amazing it feels to be lifted up by a love so strong. A love so great. A love that stays. And I mean, forever.

I can be at the deepest ends of the earth, but this love will always find me. And it's the kind of love that I've always yearned for. How could I forget? Still, I know He looks on me beyond my here and now.

And in that love, I choose to run to.

The Big Pic: Exposed

2010-06-29T12:48:00.002+08:00

I stand in front of totally shattered walls. I let out a deep sigh.

Is it of regret? Or relief?

I circle around the crumbles. I stare at the very thing being protected by the once sturdy walls.

It's there.

Exposed.

Now what?

Do I wait for it to just be blown away? Or do I simply turn my back?

The walls are destroyed. There's no use waiting. There's only one thing left to do.

Leave.

But then again, it takes another load of painful courage to do just that.

I stared. I lingered. I ached.

It's there.

Exposed.

I broke my walls. I let go of my illusory right to hold it strongly.

Do I need to hurt some more?

A strong wind pushes me farther.

And I step back.

Then a few more step.

And a few more.

Why Won't You Choose Me?

2010-04-27T11:55:00.001+08:00

When God Speaks (3)

1 message received. I replied.
22 new notifications. I checked.
Lee singing The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkle. I watched AI. With full concentration.
“Paaanchiii” said my niece. (She was calling out her own name: Francis) I played with her.
Silence deafening. I turned my Ipod on.

I almost fell asleep.
I almost cried.
For the nth time.
Then he said,
I’m just here.
Why won’t you tell me?
Why won’t you cry to me?

Why won’t you choose me?

There are moments in our life when we turn to a lot of things when we’re dealing with frustrations or pain. We keep ourselves occupied. Everything is just one click away. Everyone is just one tweet away.

And we indulge.

We talk even to ourselves. Yes, ourselves. Reasoning out, debating, pity partying. And we’re surprised we get nowhere. No answers. No light at the end of the tunnel.

All along God is just waiting for you to open your heart to him. He’s there. He’s waiting.

Need someone to talk with? Don’t come running to your Facebook account or reach for the remote for your favorite series just yet.

Faced with choices where you can run to, whom you can cry out to, scream at, argue with…

Choose Him.

Lay It Down

2010-04-14T11:19:00.005+08:00

I've been lookin' till my eyes are tired of lookin'
Listenin' till my ears are numb from listenin'
Prayin' till my knees are sore from kneelin' on the bedroom floor
I know that you know that my heart is achin'
I'm running out of tears and my will is breakin'
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,
Are slowly slippin' through my folded hands

So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do?
Cause everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down.

I've been walkin' through this world like I'm barely livin'
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been diggin'
But You're pullin' me out
I'm finally breathin' in the open air
This room may be dark but I'm finally seein'
There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believin'
That the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now
Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
Oh what else can I do,
Cause everthing I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down.

by: Jaci Velasquez

This says exactly what I'm going through right now...

The Big Pic Revisited

2010-04-11T19:39:00.006+08:00

I was halfway tearing down my wall when I stopped. I was too tired to carry on, thinking that if I chose to let things be, it will all get clear when the time is right.

For a time, everything was fine. I looked at my wall once in a while and then shrugged.

It’s going to be okay.

And it was... for a little more while.

Then, another nudge.

It was stronger.

Even more painful.

Ugh, when will I ever learn?

But unlike before, I paid attention. I listened. There must be something that I’ve missed. Something that I refused to acknowledge.

And the decision finally set in.

I have to destroy my wall. Not little by little. Not piece by piece. I need to break it down without holding back. Even if each brick that I successfully smashed ripped a part of me.

If it means defenselessness, I am willing to be exposed.

If it means vulnerability, I am willing to be in a weak position.

If it means surrender, then I am willing to give up control.

I am now decided to see the big pic.

And with my broken wall, I am letting go.

Nevertheless, I know I'm not alone.

The Big Pic

This Isn't About Nike

2010-04-09T18:10:00.006+08:00

Okay. I have only one pair of rubber shoes, which I bought on sale. If it weren't, I wouldn't have spent a single cent for it. I used it only a couple of times. That was when I was hooked up with trying to allow my lymphatic system work better by playing badminton.

I hate strenuous activities. I hate the gym. I hate running. You'd see me pout if you ask me to walk a few blocks. That's why I don't care having just a pair of rubber shoes.

I hate running. But it's something I'm quite good at. Not that I've won a marathon or something. But if there were such an award for it, I must have had that gold medal by now. Alright. Not that I'm proud of it either.

It's as if I have this personal invisible alarm that goes wild when it sees danger. As I look back, I see how many times I heeded to this alarm and walked away...ran away. And the endings weren't always good. I had to deal with a long process of healing. But come to think of it, most of those wounds are not completely healed yet. They just remain untouched for a while, and the moment my personal invisible alarm sends me that familiar signal again, even the slightest touch open up the old wounds and I can't help but again...run.

And it's just exhausting.

Oh how I wanted to end this blog with that last sentence. But I can't. Not without writing what he told me while I'm occupied by this running thing.

When you run away from something, you have to have something to turn onto. You can't just run away towards nothingness, unless you want to be stuck and lost for the rest of your life.

At some degree, we all do run away. The question is, to where? To whom? Most of the time and even unknowingly, we are desperate to get the security we always need, to get some questions answered, to just rest. But only when we run to an unchanging God and allow his love to carry us through the fears and uncertainties could we ever cross our finish line.

Is it okay to run away? Maybe. As long as we're heading to the right direction.

Did You Feel My Love Today?

2010-03-31T11:32:00.003+08:00

When God Speaks (2)

I was about to sleep. But I felt something was missing.

I grabbed my IPod.

You broke the night like the sun. And healed my heart with your great love. Any trouble I couldn’t bear, you lifted me upon your shoulders.

I asked him, “Would you talk to me?”

Love that’s stronger. Love that covers sin. And takes the weight of the world.

I waited. I knew it was only him that could fill what was missing.

At that point where I acknowledged that only he shall satisfy, he softly asked,

“Did you feel my love today?”

Silence.

Instant flashback. What did happen to me today?

I went “Ermm…Uhmm...” I was groping for something to say.

Yes, I was busy.

“I was with you today, just like any other day…”

*****************************************************************************
We’re busy. We always are. After all the accomplished tasks in our to-do list we feel a certain sense of fulfillment for the day, and yet we feel empty.

We’re tired. We always are. We consume ourselves with all our cares and slump back to our bed at the end of day searching for a reason to celebrate.

Then we go wondering where God was all day.

Every single day, his desire is for us to share a life with him. Not just a minute. Not just before a meal. He longs to be a part of our life, even the most trivial parts of it. He knows our thoughts, our deepest longings, our busyness, and even our idleness. And he desires for us to share them with him. He waits. He cares. He loves.

Did you feel his love for you today?

Can I Just Stare?

2010-02-25T15:01:00.001+08:00

When things seem overwhelming, what is your first reaction? Do you immediately plan some solution in mind? Or do you cry out to God in anguish? Or do you slump into a corner in hopelessness?

I do all these things. Only backwards. When things seem too much for me to handle, it’s really difficult for me to get a good grasp on where to start. I find myself lost in the situation with a vague idea of what to do.

Is it that bad to have tiny moments of weakness? To undergo a period of questions and uncertainties?

Most of the time, I stand in the middle of the chaos… and just stare. I stare blankly at everything moving in slow motion. And I feel the waves too intense almost consuming me. There are times I feel like giving in and just accept defeat.

At that point when I am at my weakest, as I allow the waves crashing into me, I feel a hand gently holding me, reassuring me that as I stare, He’s going to stand by me until the chaos turns into stillness in Him.

(It’s so amazing to feel God’s hand so real…)

The Big Pic

2010-02-09T09:18:00.004+08:00

When God Speaks (1)

It was perfect. It seemed designed for no one else but me. So I started building a protective wall around it. There I held it dearly. There I had it guarded.

Something so precious seemed ideal from the inside of the walls I built. After all I believed it was the “plan.” So I had even the littlest of me involved with it. I was occupied.

And then…a nudge.

I didn’t bother. I was too absorbed to pay attention to a little nudge.

But it was persistent.

I was destabilized.

Hesitant, I stepped back. Perfect as it may have seemed, could I have been mistaken?

I watched it from a distance. But I couldn’t see a thing through those thick walls. I had to tear down a part of it so I could get a glimpse of what I held on to inside.

For some time, I just stared. I assessed. I reasoned.

I realized the more I focused on it, the more it seemed complicated.

Tired of having to adjust my view of it again and again, I tried to rebuild the torn walls and to get back inside where things seemed safer. (I know. Talk about being stubborn.)

But the more I tried to fit in, the more lost I was. It was as if a bigger picture lay somewhere that I needed to understand. And the walls kept me from my focus.

Outside the partially broken walls I stood. Motionless.

I had to decide.

*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*

Breaking the walls that I unwisely built is painful. Right in front of me is defenselessness.

I feel weariness sinking in. But the persistence is serious. The big picture is what I need to see.

As weakness surfaces, I hold on to a promise that God’s strength shall sustain. As reluctance continues, He gives assurance that at the end of it all, His design will prove to be the perfect plan.

The tearing of these walls may be a bit slow, and yes, agonizing. But God abounds with patience and love. I am hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; struck down, but not destroyed.

When I finally see the big picture, I know it’s right.

Caving In

2010-01-31T16:40:00.006+08:00

Faced with uncertainty, fear consumes you. When given tough choices, you are confused. When you don't know the answer, you lose confidence. And when you find yourself saying I Don't Know, you are lost. You can’t move. You’re simply frozen. Most often than not, you retreat. You move into your cave of comfort with no one to bother you.

People call you from the outside, throwing in ropes to rescue you and yet you ask, do you want to be rescued? So you move back farther until you hear them no more. And in your solitude you stare at the darkness, praying for even a tiny light.

The wait is hard. Sometimes you feel like giving up and just remain where you are.

Your heart is deceived for a while and as you choose your cave, you limit yourself into the walls of darkness. As you allow yourself to be locked inside your own judgment, you fail to understand the depth of reasons laid before you. As you choose your cave, you miss out the great things that await you if you’ve just had that faith to step out.

If you would just look onto the other side of your cave you will see that tiny, inviting light. If you would just listen intently, the incomprehensible murmurs will turn into clear voice of hope.

It is not meant for you to remain captive of your own idea of life. The vagueness of your perception can be cleared. The confusion in your heart can be set straight. And it is not inside your cave that you will figure things out.

Your plans are outweighed by Someone Else’s whose design is far greater than you can imagine. If you would just let Him lead you out of your cave, your uncertainties will be replaced by definiteness. If you would just pay attention to his voice, you won't miss him saying "I will never leave you."

But inside your cave? You will never know the greater purpose you are intended for.

Experience God's amazing plans in your life. Step out of your cave!

The Pattern

2009-11-24T16:23:00.003+08:00

(When Confusion Strikes)

You stare at your map, trying to figure out the direction you are heading. You carefully check on each road and curves that would lead you to your destination. But somewhere along the way, it has lost you. You are then, faced with tough choices that you’d rather not make. Decisions that can radically change your life. Paths that would lead you to some place uncertain. And in your heart, you just wish the map would be more explicit in pointing out the easiest road to where you’re supposed to be.

You begin to see a certain pattern. A particular path that leaves you wandering in circles. So you make a step backward and try to assess your facts. But what if your facts are unreadable, clouded by a whole lot of other things you have no control of? Or perhaps you do, but you opt not to. How do you ever read your map?

A king in the middle of uncertainty in a battle once said: For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you.

Sometimes it’s ok to admit that you don’t know some things. That you are uncertain. Instead of playing it all along in your own hands, thinking you’ve got it all covered. But as you take just a little step backward, perhaps it is not for your eyes to assess things once again, but it’s time to focus your eyes to the one who has all the answers.

As you remain in the middle of the road, flooded with too many options you can’t seem to rationalize, guided by a certain map which don’t quite make sense, maybe it’s about time to focus your eyes on Him who would tell you in the end: Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.

Unsaid

2009-09-09T19:27:00.003+08:00

Words piled up
Wanting to be said
But the lips are shut
Uncertain to speak a word.

Eyes wide open
Trying to read in between
But all is unclear
Hard to peek within.

The space getting smaller
The maze harder to decode
For questions remain unanswered
Clues are left untold.

Is waiting a test?
Is silence secure?
While truth remains a mystery
While the path remains unsure.

When time isn't right
Is the tongue to be held?
Are some things really
Better left unsaid?

The Battle is not to the Warriors

2009-09-04T16:13:00.003+08:00

I had my very first attempt to encourage a team. I never thought it would be this exciting, I myself was the one encouraged!

Background: Ideally, I handle the sales/marketing department of our company. Yep, ideally, because I also handle a whole lot other things in the office- human resource, a bit of admin, a bit of quality control, practically a bit of everything. That's how great it is to work in a family business. You get to learn a lot. I mean, a looooot.

Anyway, last week, my boss/my dad instructed me to create a problem. Who does such a thing? You create your problem then figure out your own solution. But I got so encouraged by my boss's vision for the business. Well, I didn't set my hopes and dreams as high as his, but I'd like to think that starting from somewhere does mean something.

So, this afternoon, I gathered everyone and shared my vision with them. Preparing for that one-hour report/goal-setting/encouragement was thrilling, but I never thought that the actual thing would rouse something in me that simply wants to run and just go for it! Turn all these plans into an actual output! Realize the goal!

But, more than the that, it is the faces of our employees that got me fired up. Seeing that what I was saying (after all the hesitation to pursue the set goal knowing we may not make it) made sense, gave me more confidence that we, as a team, can actually solve this problem that I created. ;)

Not only the trained runners are capable of running. Not only the skilled warriors are capable of fighting. We may be all beginners in this first attempt, but it won't stop us in believing that to those who trust God and persevere, nothing is impossible.

Now, I stand expectant.

"I again saw under the sun that the race is not to the swift, and the battle is not to the warriors." -Ecclesiastes 9:11

The Crossroad

2009-07-06T12:23:00.004+08:00

In the middle of crossroads you stand
Been wandering in circles, do you still run?
Left or right, you remain confused
Which way to go, you need to choose.

Your heart’s desire, just a step away
But do you go for it, or do you stay?
Swayed by uncertainty, but it’s what you want
You want to grab it now, but you just can’t.

Arms stretched, you try to reach
You try to move forward inch by inch
Is it for you, you stop and doubt
Do you pursue north or do you head back south?

Looking behind, do you go back?
Do you close your eyes and try your luck?
Listening intently, seeking for the Voice
Please help me, you say, I need to make a choice.

Standing unmoved, you look at the road
Trying to discern answers yet untold
Wind is blowing, your name they call
But grounded you stay, determined not to fall.

The end of the road, you still don’t see
Helpless inside, what’s your destiny
As you stand there, you patiently wait
The road may be unknown… but take it to your faith.

Trina

2009-06-30T14:29:00.003+08:00

(This is what I get from looking through old files in my computer before reformatting. ;p)

It was the second time she watched the stars with him while sitting by the beach. She could still recall how she used to love those scenes in movies and she never thought the stars could actually be lovely to stare at. He was just a few inches away from her and it was one of the most amazing, unexplainable feelings there could ever be.

A few years back, the idea of him was real only in romantic novels that she used to read. But he made everything truly like a fairy tale in real life. He had the kindest smile she had ever seen. He had the ability to make her feel like there was nothing more important in the world than to be with her.

He took her to places she had never been before. It was not as if she had never seen trees, and flowers and lakes, but nature seemed lovelier and more perfect with him having to show it to her. He declared her as his inspiration in front of his family, his friends and probably half of the town’s population and she just drowned with so much attention he poured out on her.

By the steadiness of his breath, she knew he was already asleep. As she heard the little waves break into the shore, she stared at him trying to discern something unspoken. She smiled remembering all the good things of the past and she wondered if he somehow thought of it too.

Things were already different. Maybe two years was really long enough to change everything. Even if his mere presence brought back a familiar feeling, and even if he were there right beside her, there was still a strange hollow between them.

Earlier, their friends continued to tease them as if it were a continuation of that special thing they once shared. They sang their old songs and tried to bring back that bond that they lost after so long. It was surreal. It was like one of those fairy tales brought back to life.

She asked herself, was the feeling still there? But until the break of dawn, she was not able to come up with any answer.

He opened his eyes and she realized it was time to go. She smiled at him and felt the awkwardness to say a word. She knew it was time. Because the moment they leave that shore where they watched the stars together, she already felt the coldness of the sand that she will leave behind, together with the new hope that the early morning sky promises.

He stopped the car where she had to take off. He told the others, “Guys, let’s drop Trina off first.” A very fast, deep regret in his face was unmistakable as if he wished to have bitten his tongue at that very moment.

It wasn’t her name.

Choosing A Side

2009-06-23T19:22:00.003+08:00

In the middle of an uncertainty where the truth is unknown, you have two options: to believe you're in the safe zone, or to fear the alert of the danger zone.

Safe zone is where you believe you remain invincible, impenetrable by anything or anyone. It is where you feel you are still in control.

Danger zone is where the line is crossed, the boundaries are exceeded until you become vulnerable to whatever circumstances may still bring. It is where you have lost your upper hand.

It is torturing to stay in the gray area. To not know what side to choose. To want to choose the safe zone but the fear of the danger zone keeps on bugging you like a forceful idea not wanting to give up its power over you.

However, in reality, there remains one last option: to find out the truth. Only, the final question would be: Are you ready for it?

License to Rest

2009-06-17T15:39:00.003+08:00

This is one of those moments where I am feeling terribly tired, yet feeling condemned for having that feeling. I'm crazy right?

Rest is meant for people who have been productive enough to earn that break. I don't know where I got that from, but it has been my philosophy since I started living in the real world of business.

As for me, I haven’t accomplished anything yet and I’m running out of patience. I know I’ve got a lot of things to do and in my mind they are all piled up, but I just couldn’t get the exact attitude to get it done. The mere thought of doing all these things make me scream "Stoooop!!!" inside.

So I say, I’m just tired but I have no license to rest. How tormenting can that be.

Authority in Question

2009-05-28T10:26:00.001+08:00

Submission is a word most people hate. Of course. As much as possible we want to have things our way. But whether we like it or not, as long as we do not have a planet of our own where our rules and sole power reign, we have to submit to certain forms of authority.

Undoubtedly we have our own dominion in our little lives but when we step out and face the world, we still have to pay some form of respect to other people especially those who have authority over us, say our boss.

I am one of the nicest and most supportive bosses. I always encourage, praise good output, play down mistakes, and I very rarely yell. So I do feel awful when people become abusive and start to give me an attitude.

I am very much upset by people who seem to discount my authority as a boss. Is it acceptable to just go on a leave without giving any notice at all? Is it tolerable to make faces when given instructions? What’s the problem with these people! I need not spell it out as a policy. It takes just a little common sense!

You might suggest confrontation. All right, that makes me imperfect now. I hate confrontations and before I start yelling I have to recollect my emotions first. I know I don’t have to take things personally, maintain professionalism and all that. But sometimes it’s quite tough not to take things personally when as simple as common courtesy just doesn’t seem so common anymore. I’m starting to think if it’s being done on purpose. Running a business is really hard, but managing people is a whole lot harder.

Submission is not blind obedience. It is almost inseparable with respect. And in this arena, I believe disrespect is worse than disobedience.

Sorry Is Just Another Word

2009-05-18T19:14:00.006+08:00

Sorry is one of the overused and most abused words. It has become so ordinary that it gets to the ranks of “you know” or “whatever” or “like.” I don’t have anything against these. But it’s, like, you know…it has lost its meaning already or whatever.

We spill a coffee over someone and we say sorry. We don’t get what another person says and we say “I’m sorry?” Often, we choose to let go of words before even thinking about it and hurt other people because we can always resort to saying sorry anyway. People feel more liberty in being unkind or insensitive because they are free to dig in to the unlimited resource of sorry.

Sorry is a feeling of sorrow, regret or grief. It's not something that we take advantage of and excuse our shortcomings with. It's not something that's supposed to come out just to get things over with. I was reminded by someone that sorry is not the end of the discussion, but most of the time, it's where the real talk begins.

Sorry with no heart, no sincerity, is just another word. We cannot say we're sorry and at the same time justify what we do something wrong. We cannot say sorry and have a list of reasons that rationalizes our actions. When we say we're sorry, we simply are.

In the Middle of Silence

2009-05-12T10:53:00.004+08:00

Silence is deafening, some people say. Sitting next to a person hearing nothing but the sounds of his breath is not easy. People resort to make whatever sound, tap their fingers, and initiate small talks just to fill in the awkward gaps. It's hard to be steady in the middle of silence. Most of the time, there has to be the littlest noise to break it.

What's in silence that people cannot bear? The awkwardness? The nothingness? The solitude?

I love silence. I love long drives with no radio on. No talking. I can go for hours without speaking a word. I love to be alone with my own thoughts. And sometimes it's the best time to recognize ones existence. It's one of the few moments to be reminded of life's simple pleasures, the ones that are always overshadowed by the busyness of this life. It's the time to uncover the realities that go unnoticed because each is consumed by the seemingly more important facts of life.

Nearly every place has no room for silence. In the middle of today's worries, even in our sleep we find no silence, no peace. I wonder when is the last time we have a time of quiet and just discover the marvel of the unknown...of some things greater than us...of the profundity of life and our existence.

In A Rush

2009-05-04T11:40:00.000+08:00

*Alarm*
She wakes up at the exact time
Not a second later,
Not earlier.
She says a quick prayer
Then leaps from her bed to take a shower.

*Office*
She flees to her office
Does the first thing that pops to her head.
Tries to do everything all at once
So much for the daily planner
She jumps from one task to another.

*Frustration*
She's programmed to work
She goes on until the end of the day
Weariness
Her mind and heart aren't there
Still she does her job, but not quite well.

*The After*
She heads on to her friends,
Amazed. Puzzled
How can they remain so enthusiastic
When she barely has the muscles to smile
More so to think.

*More Frustration*
She doubts herself.
Feeling of inadequacy
She's not used to
She has to be like them
Everything, she wants to learn.

But she has no time,
No energy
No more willingness to.

*Disappointment*

When Your Feelings Betray You

2009-04-14T16:33:00.000+08:00

They say if you don't like the ending, then don't even start thinking about it. The problem is most of the time it is your own feelings that betray you.

One moment you feel that you’ve moved on from a break up, ready to face a whole new world, and then you wake up one day feeling miserable all of a sudden, recalling all the pain you thought were already gone.

You know how it feels to slump back to that dark past but undeniably, stubbornness is the one enemy of all dealing with dilemmas. No matter how you portray that undefeatable façade, you see yourself being drifted to that zone of vulnerability. Because you allow your feelings consume you. Most of the time you are indeed miserable because you choose to. You place yourself into where your feelings can manipulate you and make you believe that what it says is the reality.

But in the real reality, you are just one soul trapped by your own feelings. You are wondering on the endless what ifs of the past maybe because you just run out of something good to think of and strangely have that desire to feel miserable.

Feelings are always deceiving. It’s something very difficult to comprehend, but can be mastered I believe. It’s a venom that can poison you without you knowing if you have not learned to manage it.

There’s always one question you can consider:

Are you wise enough to know where your feelings lead you?

The Game

2009-03-05T16:16:00.001+08:00

Characters: He and She
Setting: Some bench in some place, one hazy day.

He: “So you think everything’s changed now, eh?” He had that probing eyes, trying to extract all information from her silence.

She: “Am I wrong?” It was her time to give him that prying look, and he turned away with a nervous laugh.

He: “I’m still here, right?” He tried to make it sound funny.

She: “Are you?” She threw back. It was the first time that he failed to make her laugh.

He: “What do you think am I, a ghost?” He laughed, feeling victorious in having found a way to break the tension between them. Second try.

She: “Didn’t you introduce yourself to me as that a long time ago?” She simply shrugged, breaking his triumph. Second failure.

He: “I know…” He said quietly. She could’ve jumped for winning the all-questions game they started. But she hoped he would say something more.

He: Said none.

She: “Gotcha. I won this time.” She joked, collecting back her things and her tears. She said a fast goodbye.

She: Ran away, without looking.

She knew he would never add anything more, not now, not tomorrow, probably never in this lifetime.

When can that ever sink in?

When it isn't about you this time

2009-01-14T22:03:00.000+08:00

Who isn't thinking of becoming successful, being happy or getting the best in this life?

Do we not wake up in the morning preoccupied on running our life and making the most of it?

Do we not sometimes look at people thinking what can we possibly get from this person? Is he an asset or liability to my race?

Or even as we walk the streets, do we not think that all eyes are on us and we're being watched by the world?

Do we not want to get recognition for every little thing that we do? Do we not mimic a child saying "hey dad! watch me! watch what i can do!"

Talk about being self-absorbed.

We are so consumed by ourselves that we sometimes think that the world has to stop and care for us, to listen and give us what we want.

Do we not like those people or guys (he he sorry) who just love to talk about their curriculum vitae and enumerate all their accomplishments, then give you 5 seconds to comment an "ah" or "ok" or maybe applaud? then continue rambling?

The 'me-attitude' is always not the best option.

In life, I think the more we focus on ourselves, the more we find that too much is lacking. Sometimes, when we shift our focus from ourselves, to what we can do for others, it's where we find true fulfillment.

I've read a book once saying our own comfort comes when we give comfort to others. Financial sufficiency comes from sparing some of our own for others. It's hard to understand but it works.

Most of the time, there are far greater things in this world than our own. And since we are concentrated with our own little world, we neglect to recognize our responsibility with other people and yes I believe we have.

Sometimes, it isn't just about us anymore.

When two people don't seem to match

2009-01-08T16:30:00.000+08:00

I’m not really fond of meddling with other people’s business but it doesn’t mean I can’t have my own opinion about their lives. But don’t worry, I don’t go straight in front of them and tell them “hey your life sucks!” I got my own life to worry about.

It just so happened that I have this very dear friend and I cannot really figure out how she turned out to be madly in love with this guy. I thought she was just fond of the feeling of being with someone but would soon lose interest. But I realized they’ve been together for quite a while now! Where’s the breakup I’ve been waiting for?

You may think I’m cruel for wanting them to break up, or I’m just one bitter person who can’t find her own happiness. Maybe I am or I just want to have a partner in this world of singlehood. But can it be possible that I want the best guy for her? Ha ha sounds very mommy-ish!

My point is, they just don’t seem to match. I think my friend is too smart, pretty and way too talented. She has this amazing confidence and ability to make people give her a second look and hear what she has to say. (I’m so jealous!)

Then one night she just came to me with all sparkly eyes saying she may have found the one! The one? Him? Seriously???

Yeah, seriously.

I’m not here to demean other people. Now I’m feeling guilty. I just can’t really understand why such an exceptional lady would fall in love with someone…ordinary.

She could’ve found someone she can also have a good laugh with, someone who would also love her despite her immaturities, someone who would also make sense…but better.

Don’t I really like him that much? Not really… I’m just wondering could he really be the right one for her?

When you regret sending a message

2009-01-03T11:23:00.000+08:00

3 nights ago I sent a message to an old friend in Australia. We haven't talked for months now and I just wondered what could be wrong in sending a hi message.

Months ago I knew that very moment would come that's why I deleted everything that could possibly tempt me to get in touch with him- email addresses, phone numbers, home address (if I get too crazy and fly off to Australia). I thought I was wise enough then. But I am more clever/stupid now. I found my old phone where I stored and probably intentionally forgot to delete those info about him. Okay, I'll spare you the drama. I might regret this even more.

So, unfortunately, I got his number and sent him a text message. Not that I expected a reply. (Who am I kidding?) But hey, he could've been polite enough to text me back after he has dumped me in exchange for his trip to Japan. That was so unforgivable and his conscience should be bugging him for his insensitivity, but that too was ineffective. And so even before the year ended, I did an awful thing for even bothering to ask how he was doing. I should quit reading that book saying I have to get in touch with the person that pops in my head. Yes, there is such a book. And yes, I'm making it as an excuse.

It was really nothing and I can't believe that after more than a year of that broken promise, I would still create a big fuss out of it. And it is much more foolish to post it here.

Related Posts:
A Ghost

NOW THAT I'M HOME

2008-11-27T02:25:00.000+08:00

Demy was standing outside for almost an hour now. It was almost midnight and it was freezing outside but he didn’t care. His old hands were holding a bouquet of red roses which could have already withered by his stare.

He knew the kids would be arriving in the morning. Even if he couldn’t hear a slight movement, he knew there was still somebody inside waiting for them. He peeked through the heavily curtained window once in a while, desperate to get a view.

He made several attempts but ran out of strength to move a few more muscles to make that press on the doorbell. Fear, together with the cold breeze, wrapped him. He began to become more anxious. He was afraid of how he would be welcomed, if he would be at all. He didn’t even know how he got the courage to be there.

He was about to leave when he heard a door being opened. Sensing the noise created by the screen door that probably had not been replaced for years, Demy knew that it was the back door.

Quivering, he made a few steps towards the backyard. The porch at the back was dimly lit. Hearing the silent rush of waves, he paused. He closed his eyes, remembering how good it felt to be there once again.

He stopped upon seeing a rocking chair move from the other side. He stared at the old lady facing at the beach, slowly rocking the chair back and forth. He guessed she was reading one of her hundreds of books.

With a few more deep breathing and fidgeting, he quietly said, “Merry Christmas, Betty…”

The rocking chair stopped and he could see the lady froze. Betty slowly turned her head and her eyes instantly welled up.

Demy moved toward her and handed her the flowers.

“You remembered…” Betty almost whispered.

He hesitated but made one more step to reach out for her hand. “I’ve made mistakes in the past and it took me this long to realize I shouldn’t have left you. I’m sorry…” He was trying to fight the lump in his throat.

With more effort, Betty stood up shaking her head. And with those same loving eyes, she said, “What matters is you’re here…”

Demy hugged her, hoping it could make up for the lost years. “I will never leave again…now that I’m home…”

Didn't You Like Daddy's Gift?

2008-11-15T04:48:00.000+08:00

Three days before Christmas. Mom was busy preparing the dinner. Knowing that I was not allowed near the kitchen while they were busy, I used my strategy. “Mom, can I mix this for you?” I asked sweetly, eager to help out in making the flan. I was four years old.

But my mom knew better. Maybe she remembered the last time that I “helped” her I just broke the bowl and spilled everything on the floor. “Thank you honey…But don’t you think it’s more fun to be part of the game team?”

It didn’t work! With a defeated look, I walked away. I knew my sisters wouldn’t let me help either.

“Can I help?” I boldly volunteered anyway. My sisters were wrapping the prizes for the games.

“You don’t even know how to use the scissors. Plus, it won’t be a surprise then.”

“But…what will I do?” I was helpless. Everyone had their assignment for the party but nobody would let me help.

“You can take care of the gifts. Arrange them from the biggest to the smallest.”

I can do that! That’s the best part! So I hurried towards the tree and stared at the huge pile of gifts slumped beneath. Squeezing and shaking each gift, I had guessed them all.

Another pillow for mom…
Stuffed teddy for my sister…
A toy car for my brother…
For dad…Maybe something for his car…I can’t guess this…
And mine is…Where’s mine?! I finished arranging the gifts but I couldn’t find mine. I was already in panic searching for my gift.

Then I found a tiny box at the farthest corner by the tree. It was so tiny that it didn’t seem like a gift at all. But when I checked it, oh boy, it had my name on it! And it was from my dad!

I sneaked at my sisters and saw everyone still busy. I hid at the corner and hastily opened that tiny box from my dad.

“There’s nothing here!” I squealed loud enough to stop the entire household from doing their thing. I threw the box away and marched outside, grumbling.

I left them all bewildered. But seeing the wrap of the tiny box torn open, they began to laugh.

Outside, I was still in shock. I couldn’t believe my dad would give me a box of matchsticks for Christmas! It was the most ridiculous gift any person could have. I didn’t even know how to light one.

My mom followed me outside and tried to pacify me. I was acting like a total brat.

“Didn’t you like dad’s gift?”

Instead of answering, I pouted and stomped heavily. Mom burst in laughter. I was so pissed off. My mom’s terrible. How could she laugh at my misfortune?

She showed me the tiny box of matchsticks and opened it in front of me. Two bright pink Hello Kitty hair clips were inside. I froze. It was the hair clips that I had been bugging my mom about. She said I already have dozens of Hello Kitty items and she wouldn’t buy it for me. I looked at my mom then back to the hair clips then back to mom.

Mom wiped my tears and kissed me on the cheek. “Daddy bought it for you…”

In the middle of my silent sobs, I heard a voice behind me. “Didn’t you like daddy’s gift?”

I ran toward daddy and hugged him tight. “It’s the best, daddy! I’m sorry…”

“What’s inside is what matters, right honey?”

The Biggest Star

2008-10-16T00:55:00.000+08:00

It was only four in the morning. The house was just lit by the flickering Christmas light. Tricia was already busy decorating the tree.

Tricia remembered how she was not allowed to put decors on their Christmas tree when she was younger. She would be given just a few Christmas balls and she would hang it on the bottom of the tree. Even so, she was always thrilled at her mom’s announcement of the annual tree decoration.

“Mom! Look! I think this is the best spot for this ball!” She would proudly say to her mom, wanting to get her ok to every spot she would hang her few precious balls.

And her mom would smile at her lovingly and would tell her, “Yes dear, that’s the best spot.” With that smile, Tricia would beam with excitement.

By the time they finish decorating, her dad would suddenly appear. That was the best part. Her dad would lift her to his shoulders while she held on protectively to the biggest star. Her brother and sisters would cheer her as she placed the star on top of the tree.

Then they would all march towards the kitchen and chaotically got themselves a hot chocolate. They would spend the entire morning on the dining table talking about what to eat on Christmas dinner. That was the second best part.

“You ok?” Her sister, still in her pajamas, appeared behind her.

Oblivious of her presence, she almost dropped a Christmas ball. “Yeah, I’ll be done in a while.” She quietly smiled.

“Alright. Wake me up if you need help ok? But I don’t think you want me to help you anyway.” She teased and ran off.

It was roughly 10 years ago since they last decorated their Christmas tree together. She could barely recall how they spent those ten Christmases without her mom.

After she placed the last Christmas ball, she thought, “Isn’t this the best spot for this ball?”

The sun was already shining when she finished decorating. She stared at the biggest star and left it beneath the tree. She was on the verge of crying, realizing that she did everything alone.

She was already cleaning the boxes when everybody suddenly rushed in the family room.

“Wow!!! This is so great! You made it!” Her sister beamed.

“We’ve never had a Christmas tree for what, a century?” Her brother exclaimed.

She couldn’t say a thing in surprise. She turned her head when she heard a voice saying, “You did this sweetie?”

It was her dad.

“Well…Uh, huh.” She said sheepishly.

“Yes daddy. I saw her doing it at four in the morning!” Her sister said.

Her dad picked up the biggest star and handed it to her. “It’s the tradition.”

Tricia’s eyes widened as she remembered the Christmas feeling she had 10 years ago. As her siblings cheered, she placed the biggest star on top of the tree with a big smile.

Her dad hugged her. “Come, we made you a hot chocolate.”

Jingling Bells

2008-10-07T00:55:00.000+08:00

Jingling bells jingling bells
Jingling all the way…

Little Ben sang with great exuberance, his little fingers slightly tapping the car’s window, a little drum hanging around his neck. The driver waved his hand without looking at him.

His eyes lost sparkle, his shoulders fell and he quietly moved to the sidewalk as the light turned green.

After a few minutes, another red light. Little Ben instantly leaped as if not feeling the cold wind wrapping him, creeping into his tattered clothes.

Jingling bells jingling bells
Jingling all the way…

He hopped from one car to another, continuing to sing the same lines. People kept shooing him away but he sang anyway. Some were amused but never gave him anything.

A lady tossed a penny from the window. Little Ben’s eyes widened with excitement as he thanked the old lady.

Upon realizing how long he’d been roaming the streets, little Ben slumped into the sidewalk.

“One…two…three…one…two…three…” He silently counted as if he knew exactly how to.

Suddenly a girl, about 4 years old, appeared behind him.

“Kuya…” she said in a soft whisper.

Frightened, little Ben hurriedly hid the coins he saved from that day. “Oh Sarah, it’s you! I told you to wait for me at home.”

Tears welled up in Sarah’s eyes. “Kuya, I’m hungry…”

His throat tightened and realized that they hadn’t been eating anything for three days.

“Don’t cry… Look, 1-2-3-1-2-3! Kuya earned much! We’ll eat something special today.” He managed to cheer his voice up.

Little Ben left Sarah near the bridge and got themselves something for that day. Then he ran back to their home where she left Sarah and hurriedly climbed down. The pile of cartons was already set. Sarah was already sleeping quietly at the end waiting for him.

“Sarah, wake up…” Little Ben shook her softly. “It’s time.” He said with a silent excitement.

The two of them watched the different colors of fireworks appear in the sky, eating bread and a cup of warm noodles. “Merry Christmas Sarah…”

A Beautiful Myth

2008-06-20T10:48:00.001+08:00

Once there was a story untold yet treasured. It was a tale that began in a rather bizarre way, but eventually turned into a wonderful thing that could ever happen to someone. The wonder of it remained perplexing, but some things are better left unfathomed for its marvel to be well-appreciated.

Over the years, the plot of the story remained clear as if the chapters were read over and over again until each episode, each detail, settled solid into the deepest spot of the mind. The value of it was nurtured and was regarded as something priceless; a once-in-a-lifetime experience that could never be traded with anything else.

It was a story that was built over the impossibilities. It was regarded as hard evidence about two people who are so different and so far apart, and yet in just a tiny, single, incredibly unusual point that may never occur again, something so beautiful can be established.

It was no more than a invisible friendship that started as a joke, shared apart, deepened despite the distance, continued to infinity. It was as plain as that, yet it was not ordinary. In that story, it had in it an unexplainable link that may remain a mystery until the end of it.

No matter how strange it was, for the longest time it was remembered. And though people held it foolish for somebody to actually believe in such a thing, it was regarded a reality; obscure, yet lovely.

In a perfect world, it would’ve remained without defect. But even the most fascinating tales had flaws. And like everything else that seemed to exist, somewhere along the way, it also had setbacks. There were unnecessary chapters that occurred, mistaken as something that would make an already flawless story more perfect. But sadly, at the end of the day, the twist proved to be just unparallel to the entire context.

It couldn’t be construed as total wreck after that tiny, almost-non-existent flaw, but for somebody who treasured such a surreal story, it was enough to challenge a belief in the reality of an oddly wonderful friendship.

The once vivid chapters became vague. While recalling how it started was as easy as a-b-c, it came to a point wherein words became cold and distant to roughly illustrate, more so to explain in depth what happened along the plot.

If it were to be rewritten, the unwanted parts would be shredded. That small part of it made the entire picture doubtful. But looking back to where it started up to the point where everything was unbelievably perfect, it still never failed to give a strange feeling of comfort. And maybe…it was the only thing that was meant to last.

Believing in it may be strongly considered unwise and plain stupid. I should know. As they insisted, it was too good to be true. Even so, it was something still causing silly smiles when remembered…a story still read over and over again and still treasured despite its imperfection.

Was it just a myth? Maybe. But the way I see it right now, that thing in it called friendship may be just another story, but in that myth, it was beautiful and real.

THE WEDDING

2008-05-29T15:02:00.000+08:00

The door slid open…

I think I’ve finally known you
I can see it in your eyes
I think I’ve finally shown you
That what we have is still worthwhile

She looked radiant even if she were looking down. Slowly she turned her head up…

Don’t you know that love is like a thread
That keeps unraveling within
And I see it together in the end

The butterflies were released…and she started to walk down the aisle.

In your eyes I can see my dreams’ reflections
In your eyes I found the answers to my questions
In your eyes I can see the reasons why our love’s alive

She was heading straight to the man at the end of the aisle, the man she was about to spend the rest of her life with.

In your eyes we’re safely drifting back to shore
And I think I’ve finally learned to love you more.

I couldn’t hold my tears back. I felt that I was starting to lose her…
She met her old man halfway and it was one of the most heartwarming scenes happened in my life. I couldn’t believe my own eyes.

I can consider her my favorite person on earth. With her never-ending patience and her incomparable heart of being there even before I ask, there’s no doubt of the reason why I may have that judgment. And seeing her walking down that aisle, closer to the man she’s gonna start a new life with, and farther away from me, I felt a sudden but deep rush of sadness.

Even if I tried just to focus on the wedding and their own happiness, I couldn’t help wondering “What will happen to me after this?” She was the one I spent most of my time with. We watched last full shows, we drove our father crazy for going to the mall almost every night, and we shared the same passion for food. (That was before I got too particular with the nutritional facts on the package.)

I remembered how we criticized the choices of flowers until we’ve found what would suffice. I remembered how we searched every store for the perfect shoes. I remembered how I joined her in practicing her grand walk in the aisle. And even if it were her big day we were talking about, she still made sure her baby would have the perfect dress for her wedding.

The exchange of vows snapped me from my thoughts.

Soon we would part lives as she builds a new one with somebody. I guess I really can never hold on to her forever. This man must have caused her a great deal of happiness and there’s nothing on earth I could ever pray for but the best for her. And I know in my heart that as lovely as she looked on her wedding day, though she would have a life of her own, my sister would remain the most amazing person I ever knew in my life.

Changing Lanes

2008-04-27T02:06:00.000+08:00

In my head, I found myself driving on a single lane, easy road at approximately 40 miles per hour, satisfied at my rate, well-buckled on my seat, comfortable at the sounds of my stereo. I had a content smile on my face saying “This is what I call life.”

I came to a busy street with horns honking everywhere, intersections blocked by cars trying to beat the red light, and each vehicle trying to make a way for itself. Naturally, my moment of ease was disturbed. For a moment, I was preoccupied with the traffic. I forgot the comfort I was feeling a few minutes ago, and I busied myself with what was actually there, with what was in front of me. At a red light, I compared my car to all those that are in the same lane, leaving brief comments on each I envied as well as on others I felt I was better off. When it turned green, I never gave any other car a chance to get into my way.

Traffics are always a headache. After a few times of cursing to the pedestrians who were still crossing the street at my green light, and after almost hitting the bumper of the car in front of me just to not let anybody else get ahead of me, I got weary and wanted to get out of the main road. So I turned right, went straight ahead, and made a couple of U-turns just to find an easy way to get out of it. Having no sense of direction, it took me a little more while to find a clearer road.

I found myself in the middle of the same road I was on before. Coupled with frustration, I fled. Time and again, I was able to unbelievably overtake a few trucks, and to avoid some hollows on the road under repair that I used to never miss. I was filled with pride that I was able to exceed my limits in driving. It was another adventure for me.

Yet, after the fun, I slowly became bored. I found nothing challenging anymore. I became uneasy with my speed so I slowed down a bit. Lost in my thoughts, a question popped. Where was I heading? Consumed by panic and fear, I realized a truth: I was heading nowhere. I looked outside my window to check how long I have travelled with no precise destination. I checked on my rearview mirror to see if there were any other vehicles running on the same road.

So I decided to pull over. A few cars, including a patrol, checked on me if I had a problem. At the back of my mind, I was asking, “Could you give me a road map?” But I didn’t want them to know I was lost. So I just pretended I was taking a break for a long trip ahead. Anyway, it was partly true.

It was already mid-afternoon. Still unsure as I was, I decided to get on with my ride. I drove at an acceptable speed. Seeing the fire trees that started to bloom that season, I began to relax. My worries passed and peace wrapped me. I enjoyed the solitude.

Throughout that long day, I realized, it’s not with the comfort, it’s not with the ability to get away with traffic, it’s not with the speed, nor is it with the ability to get ahead. A worthwhile ride is about being able to enjoy and appreciate every part of it, driving not too fast and not too slow, and still fully understanding where you’re going.

And now at the end of the day, the same question popped: Where was I heading? This time I smiled. I was heading back home.

It’s always reassuring to know that after my road trips, there would always be Him taking me home.

George

2008-03-26T14:30:00.000+08:00

He looked at her with those loving eyes, that she could see right through them his very soul. He held her with assurance that he would always be there.

“I know I’m not a world renowned person and I know I’m not a lot of things you’ve gone for in the past… But I would never leave you... I would never hurt you... And I will never stop loving you...” Those were his exact words like it was a fact as gravity pulling down everything towards the earth’s very core.

He was always there, at the right place at the right time. Whenever she needed somebody to just listen and tell her that everything will turn out all right, he was there. He was everything any woman could ever dream of. He had everything she wanted in her man.

And again with those loving eyes looking at her, she slowly moved her head down to avoid that pure and sincere gaze. She closed her eyes and fell into a deep thinking. And when she finally got the courage to raise her head, she was filled with tears. “If only I could love you…”
It’s a mystery why we cannot compel our hearts to love somebody. And most of the time this somebody just seems to be the nicest person in the planet, somebody who lights up by our mere presence, and somebody who just stares at us with a promise of doing everything just to make us happy.

And here’s a man who was willing to do everything for her, who would do everything he could just to be “seen” by her, who would not give up by hearing a mere “no” from her, who promised to wash away all the hurt caused by her past. He would do everything just to be the one for her, if only, if only she would give him the chance.

The truth is, she could. She could have allowed him to treat her his princess and let him give her everything she needed. She could’ve tried. Only she didn’t want to. If only there were even a tiny spark of possibility for the two of them, she would have given it a shot. But she knew in her heart that she will never be able to return that look from his loving eyes, because hers is looking the exact opposite direction. It makes no sense but it happens.

He was everything any woman could ever dream of. He had everything she wanted in her man. But the odd and sad truth is, George just isn't him.

Trying to Get the Feeling Again

2008-02-26T02:55:00.000+08:00

There is a feeling that has been at rest for quite some time. Before, it was full of hope and trust, but eventually it has grown weary waiting and decided to lock itself inside, where nothing could disturb it. Now, a guard stays before its door, stern and overprotective.

When a feeling has been inactive for quite some time, how should it be awakened? Or, should it be awakened at all?

What if an intruder tries to get into the feeling? Does the feeling jump for joy or does it shut itself out?

There comes into the picture the examiner. This one has a long list of questions, or probably a book. It has to probe. It has to scrutinize the intruder, and in this case, it’s already an old guest. It has to make sure that the standards are passed, the intentions are made clear, and the sincerity is validated. It may take a while and if the intruder is patient, it will endure all the questions of the examiner. The examiner has to make sure it has gone through all the procedures. Why? Because it knows it needs to explain everything to the guard. It’s the safe keeper of the key to the feeling.

After the examiner has fulfilled its responsibilities, it goes to the locked feeling and talks with the guard. They discuss the result of the investigation. The guard is always suspicious. It doesn’t want anything to get into the feeling. The examiner explains the facts but the guard is full of doubts. It reminds the examiner of the ruling: Old Guests Are Forbidden.

“You’ve seen what the feeling went through in the past, how could you be talking to me about the same intruder?” The guard says disappointedly.

“It’s my job to examine all intruders and give the feeling my report.” The examiner frowns.

“The intruder may have won you, but I won’t let it get into the feeling again.” It fights back stubbornly.

“I didn’t say it has already passed the test,” says the examiner. “All I’m saying is the feeling needs to check my results by itself. It’s not us this intruder needs, it’s looking for her.” The guard makes face, not trying to hear a thing.

“I don’t have time to convince such a stubborn feeling as you. Do you think it was easy for me to deal with this intruder? I saw her sadness too and I was exploding with hostility towards it. But is it my job to judge?” The examiner says and walks away.

Seeing it has won the argument, the guard whispers by the door, “Don’t worry. I will never let anybody get into this door. I will never allow anyone to touch you again.”

Meanwhile, the examiner goes back and ventilates its annoyance with an associate. Now, this associate is new and is still very naïve.

“I am just presenting the facts. That guard is too domineering.” The examiner says furiously.
The associate knows it’s not in the position to comment about anything. Nevertheless, it says quietly, “Maybe it doesn’t want to cause the feeling any more pain. It seems reasonable to me.”

“How can you conclude that? You’re just a novice!” The examiner scowls. “I have my previous reports intact. The feeling was happiest with that intruder! Yes, they had misunderstandings and the timing wasn’t right, but who are we to judge who is and isn’t right for the feeling?” The examiner leaves the novice the reports and marches away.

The novice studies the reports and by its innocence, it is easily swayed by the data. The examiner is right, it mutters.

Late at night, the novice drops by the locked room.

“What do you want?” the guard pries.

“Oh, I was instructed to tell you that there is an intruder outside who wants to talk to the feeling and the other guards can’t stop him. I think they need you there.” The novice replies.

With another prying look, the guard says “How can I trust a novice like you?”

The novice shrugs and doesn’t say a word. A few seconds pass and the guard remains troubled by the reported commotion. It doesn’t want to leave the feeling with the novice, but it knows that if the intruder gets in, the feeling will be in more difficult situation.

With a deep concern on its face, the guard tells the novice, “It is my responsibility to keep the feeling safe. You have not known the entire story yet, but that intruder is very dangerous. Do you understand how serious this is?”

“We’re all here to protect the feeling.” The novice simply replies.

With that, the guard instantly leaps from its seat and warns the novice. “Don’t come near the door, you novice.” Then it hurries away.

The novice nervously stands by the door and knocks. “Are you there?” The novice waits for a reply but the feeling doesn’t answer.

“I just came here to tell you that the intruder is here. The examiner has been meaning to give you this,” the novice slips the results through. “Your guard is too protective of you and I understand that, but I know that in the end, the decision is yours.” And the novice leaves.

The danger in leaving a feeling out in the cold is that it may turn out to be hard enough that it won’t be melted by the highest degree of heat. The scary part could be that after such a long time, it won’t be able to recognize what has stirred itself in the first place.

As days pass, everybody is continuously disturbed by the intruder from the outside although it never gets to pass the guard. Despite all the disorder outside its door, the feeling remains unmoved. Does it mean the feeling has already been gone or has it just fallen into a very deep sleep that no ordinary intrusion may awaken it?

Who knows if the feeling hears everything from the inside. Who knows if it even looked at the reports of the examiner. Who knows if the guard were really successful in preventing the feeling from any form of intruder by just standing by the door.

“Could the feeling still be there,” the novice wonders.

The Answer

2008-01-20T14:39:00.000+08:00

It was a difficult day.

The Questions:

Her phone alarmed at 6:05am. She automatically turned it off, and curled underneath her blanket. Another day, she thought. Only if she could make up excuses for not going to work, she would’ve probably slept the whole day. But she knew she had to get up and drag herself to shower. Can it be like this forever?

Almost 10 hours of the day, she had to deal with her job, which failed to engross her lately. She had to tire out herself “finding money,” as she put it. She knew sales was not her forte. Dealing with tough clients wasn’t already interesting, but draining. She tried to search for the enthusiasm she once had. Is this the career path she had in mind?

At home, she hardly saw her dad. They hadn’t talked for nearly 3 months. Not about work, not about what’s happening, not about anything at all. Where did her control-freak dad go?

She remembered how angry he was for not being able to impose what he wanted in her life. And she, herself, got mad at him for not accepting that not everything in her life could be manipulated by his plans, or at least what he believed was right for her. And they argued for 3 minutes or so, and fell silent for 3 months. Why can’t he understand?

She had remaining 3 to 4 hours before she would go back to bed. She had a few options on how to spend ‘em.

Watch TV. Maybe Tyra would feature some anorexic 5’11” women wanting to be 80lbs. Then she’d feel some people were more ridiculous than her. Can’t people find any contentment at all?

Chat with friends. That would divert her spotlight away from her own self. Would they have any other interesting things to say? Or would they be sensitive enough to hear what she had to say?

Dinner. She’d still have to figure out if this would add up to the free radicals in her body or if her liver won’t be overloaded. Is this healthy or toxic?

Read. She got all those halfway-read newly-purchased books piled up on her nightstand waiting for her to start living with the principles of maximizing time, heading towards success, and unleashing innermost capabilities. Yeah, the ideas were great. But why don’t they suffice?

She had the usual questions a normal 23-year old would have. (That’s insanity aside.) Life starts to become a burden, not an enjoyable thing. A day passes without any difference from the previous day and a voice within her keeps on whispering that life couldn’t be just like that. Living is supposed to be a short, yet exciting and wonderful experience you can’t wait to taste; not a dreadful, boring journey on a tunnel wherein seeing the end of it is your only goal.

She satisfied herself with a book that had been with her for months but she felt too exhausted to even consider opening. It struck her with its promises to answer life’s toughest questions. Really, huh? Now there’s such a thing as a universal answer to all the questions she had in mind. Intrigued, she leafed through it.

Upon recovery from the state of shock after reading, the reality flashed to her as if wondering why she was surprised with the answer she got. She had always tried to find some meaning in her life and a sense of purpose for her existence but instead she found herself facing the same “difficult days”, doing the same things. Little did she know that all this time, she got it all wrong.

The Answer

There’s a huge difference between existing and actually living. To exist is to breathe, to move even the most futile movement, and to be able to stay alive, even if it meant a machine is keeping your vital organs at work. To exist is to drift in this world with no purpose.

On the contrary, to live is to understand that you are tailored to a more meaningful existence. It is knowing what makes you special and what you’re supposed to do to make use of the gifts given to you.

To live is not self-serving. You may have acquired all the riches in the world, won all the trophies of success and yet come home after the most victorious event feeling empty, alone, and strangely senseless.

If you cease to find the purpose of your existence, you cease to exist. Like a wave just going with the flow of others, not knowing its destiny, it seems that it’s meant to only crash in the shore. But the truth is, even how long the journey is and how hard the crash must be, even a tiny wave it is, it’s designed to still go back to the where it belongs – the ocean.

How then do you define the answers to all these seemingly endless questions on the depth of life’s meaning?

She had kept herself captive of doubts and weariness with her life. She’d been trying to figure out if she’s only meant to crash in the shore. But then it struck her that she’d been searching on the wrong places.

Is she meant to crash in the shore, she wondered. And the answer shone on her like the sun’s rays in the morning sky. She is designed to go back to where she belongs. She is destined to carry out the master plan of the one who made her.

When you remember where you came from, it is easier for you to figure out where you’re heading. When you understand that you’re not just a single wave, but a part of the bigger ocean, it is already laid out to you what you need to prioritize. When you realize that you are not the steward of your own life, but mere clay molded by the Potter’s hand, it is natural for you to let go and allow the Maker to take control of your steering wheel.

Most of the time we trouble ourselves with every detail in our life, believing that they are the truly essential things that would keep us going- dreams, security, stability, health, relationships. But the question remained, to keep us going where? Is fulfilling a dream the end goal? Would having uncountable wealth satisfy our deepest longing? Would living up to a hundred years make us feel we have made sense on earth?

Only through the proper perspective in life we can truly decode what it is to live. And the perspective does not come from our own expertise; rather it comes from the wisdom of the Most High who is all-knowing. We keep our eyes on what’s material, on what’s physical, but He knows what is truly essential, what is eternal. If we know how to align the journey of our life with His master plan, the drifting comes to an end, and the living begins.

Searching for His ultimate plan for us is not simple and instant, though. It is not as if you’d stare up in the sky and the answer will just reveal itself to you. It takes conscious diligence and loads of grace from God to uncover the answer. It may take a lifetime search, but it’s the kind of quest that’s worth taking. Rather than journeying alone and clueless, it is more reassuring to go through this life knowing that the hand of the Father is with us, directing us which path to take.

When we allow God’s hand to lead us, dealing with difficulties on our jobs becomes a tiny hump in the road that won’t keep us off-track. When we allow God to guide us, misunderstanding and pains in our relationships will be washed away by His immeasurable love and compassion. Nothing in our life is too trivial for Him, for He knows every detail in our life. He knows us more than we know ourselves. So if we feel lost and wonder what living is all about, try to search for Him, and you’re going to get the most wonderful answer there is.

Was It Real?

2007-10-23T14:36:00.000+08:00

(A Poem, A Play)

SCENE 1:

He was looking straight at me,
Trying to catch my gaze.
What was in that stare?
Was he trying to tell me something?
Was he searching for answers?
But I couldn’t return his look.
I don’t know why.
Was I confused?
Was I afraid?
From the corner of my eyes,
I saw him turn away.
No expression at all
Or at least nothing I could read.

SCENE 2:

He was beside me,
Not speaking a single word.
It was heart-breaking
Being too close with somebody
And yet feeling he was drifting away.

I couldn’t contain the sadness I felt.
I was filled with confusion,
Excitement,
Anxiety,
Emptiness…
The list goes on…

Then suddenly,
All the havoc within me was interrupted
When he held my hand.
It was the first time.
And again, it was as if
There was oblivion on everything else,
Even on my own heartbeat.
Simply, I was stunned.

I didn’t dare look,
Nor did I ask anything.
I remained still,
Trying to identify what feeling it brought me.

SCENE 3:

I was looking at him,
Trying to catch his gaze.
But he looked away.
I tried to hold his hand,
But even before I could reach for them,
He locked them inside his pocket.

I tried to speak a word.
Something he never did.
But his eyes weren’t fixed on me.
Was he searching for something else?

It was my turn to look away.
Not to escape his gaze,
But to hide my tears.

I knew it was time.
But I couldn’t get into my feet.
Instead, I waited.
For him to look right over his shoulders.
And give me that look
I thought I once had.

Time was ticking.
I saw the leaves falling from the trees.
And before I knew it
There he was…
A shadow from afar…
An image I barely know…
Nothing but
A ghost who passed by…

It was when I wished the rolling of the curtains would end the scene.

ABOUT THE PLAY: It’s been almost a year since I played a lead role in a theater where I had no audience. It was a story which I personally produced, believing in its substance. It was a play whose script I, myself, wrote, choosing the plot, the climax and whose end still hangs. It was a play which I starred with no reservations at all. But eventually I realized it was a play I got myself involved with alone.

Only A Dot There

2007-09-20T18:29:00.000+08:00

We all go through certain kinds of misery in our life. The feeling of being alone, abandoned, worthless, and hopeless is not uncommon. We think we’ve gone through all possible troubles anyone could ever imagine. We think we’ve just had enough.

Is this all there is in this life? Nothing but pure hardships? We struggle for more than 20 years of our life trying to learn everything needed in order to live. We struggle for another 20 to 30 years finding life’s meaning, trying to jail ourselves in the world we created- work, all sorts of relationships, goals. For the remaining 20 to, luckily, 30 years of our life, we hope to see ourselves content with the fruits of hard work in all those years. It’s funny how we saved up and prepared for these last years of our life, only to spend it trying to struggle from an illness and a new batch of pure hardships. We struggle from another phase of seeking for answers. Have I lived my life well? And in the process, we still end up frustrated, incomplete, empty.

Truly, life is all about sufferings. We live in this sinful world where comfort and happiness are always backed with distress and anguish. We have our own difficulties. We’re not in a battle of comparison of who has endured more of life’s setbacks. We don’t compete for a prize for life’s sufferings that whoever has the most would be rewarded in the end. If so, everybody would pray not for blessings but sufferings.

Consequently, we grumble. We all think we’re not worthy of all the bad things that happen to us. We believe that we’re innocent enough to have to go through life’s challenges. And most often than not, we don’t even consider it a challenge. We deem it a curse inflicted on us only to make us suffer. We complain that life is truly unfair.

Indeed it is. Nobody promised that living this life would be easy. Nobody claimed that the 70, 80 years of our lifetime would be a bed of roses. Yes we have our own difficulties- lost jobs, material insufficiencies, physical disabilities, health concerns, broken relationships- and we find ourselves having all these familiar feeling: alone, abandoned, worthless, hopeless.

If life is nothing but pure misery, what is there to be hopeful for?

We may be experiencing the most terrible agony in life. We may be born with physical handicap, we may have lost our loved ones from a tragic accident, or we may have suffered abuse from other people. In spite of all the seemingly bad luck that happens to us, it can only affect us to the extent that we allow it to. Zooming in to every suffering makes us blind from everything else- things that we ought to be thankful for. It may be a special skill, love and support from friends and family, the fact that we’re still breathing, the fact that each day, we’re given a chance to make our life better.

It’s not the suffering that matters; it’s how we triumph from it. How, then, do we succeed? Can we make it through if we cling on to something of this world? Certainly not. Only if we learn to fully submit ourselves to that someone greater than all of us that we will be able to embrace life’s miseries. God assured us that no matter what happens, He will never abandon us nor forsake us. Our God is the maker of heaven and earth. He is all powerful and almighty. No problem is big enough for God. He hears us, He listens. He deeply cares for us. Knowing that God is our fortress, would there still be a room for doubt? Would there still be a room for worry? Would there still be a room for fear? Not a chance.

Despite all the bad things happening to us, as if being done to us in purpose, we still have something to rejoice for, to be hopeful for, because in the end of it all, whoever remains in Him, will be welcomed in His kingdom. Isn’t it a great promise? Should we still bug ourselves with the 70, 80 years of our life knowing that as we go to our final sleep, we have a reward that’s far greater than we can ever imagine?

Let us not lose ourselves on our sufferings. In God’s eyes, the bigger picture is far more important than the most depressing thing that we felt, the gravest thing that we endure. Those are in all sense, nothing. Life on earth is no doubt only a dot in eternity. All the pain in this world is nothing but a dust blown away by the loving care of our Father.

Just Another Story

2007-07-24T09:35:00.000+08:00

There were few people near the cinemas where they agreed to meet after another 2 long years. There were sounds of arcade games nearby, people chatting near the popcorn stand, a crew calling out orders on a fastfood chain. Somebody called out her name. She didn’t know if it was said loud enough, or the voice was just familiar that she instantly turned her head in his direction. When she saw a guy in red shirt with a camera hanging around his neck, she automatically grinned.

“Heeeeey!” she exclaimed, almost running towards him, arms stretched as if she were ready for a huge birthday present. They hugged that they almost fell. She imagined how foolish they must have seemed if they weren’t able to keep their balance. But that could have added up to the excitement of that “reunion.” They laughed at their clumsiness and at that point, she remembered how great it felt to be with him once again.

There was nothing extraordinary on that meeting. They spent what, four, five hours together, had lunch, did some live performances singing and laughed like crazy. Probably that was the best part of it. Yeah it was a bit odd. Every time he said something, she automatically burst into laughter no matter how stupid it was about. You two are weird, his brother even commented. She could’ve probably spent an entire day with him just listening to his “concert” and watching him concentrate on his pasta, as if trying to figure out how the entire plate can fit into his mouth. Who am I with, a five-year old? She teasingly thought.

Before they knew it, the day was over. He walked her to the train, where they would leave the last traces of that day. For the third time in nearly 5 years of knowing each other, they said good bye. They hugged. Still, she managed to tease him but then, she felt strange. Nobody has hugged her that way, as if telling her how much she was missed, how much he didn’t want to let her go or that he didn’t want it to end. Or maybe, it was just her mind playing tricks on her…coz maybe she was the one feeling that way.

She slowly walked away, giving him a last look. She smiled and even tried to reach out for him while she was being carried away by the line towards the train. They would probably meet in another year or so, and at the thought of it, she sighed.

And… she sighed. That was all. It was as if there was nothing more she could add. She held a pencil on her right hand, slightly tapped it on her head, lost in oblivion on what to write next. On the corner of the table was a trash bin, half-full of crumpled papers. She’d been trying to do the story for weeks, but all she could do was to stare blankly at her nth sheet of paper, with drawings of circles and twirls. Of course she could’ve used her computer in front of her, but she felt more of a writer with the pencil. Besides, saving the trees was not her top priority at that moment.

She let another sigh. She decided to get herself a cup of tea, the one with flower contents and that said: “a soothing drink to aid relaxation.” She held the back of her head and realized she badly needed it.

She threw herself on her bed and reached for a Mitch Albom’s. Maybe she needed some inspiring thoughts that would disguise the sadness she felt. She flipped the pages but the words barely registered to her mind. Unconsciously her thoughts slowly drifted from the time she tried to sense the relaxed feeling from her tea, to the time she didn’t even have to exert any effort to feel complete, just months ago.

Shaking her head, she tried to push away what had been haunting her. She got up and went back to drawing circles and twirls on the paper…

A month after, they accidentally saw each other in messenger. They chatted as if they hadn’t seen each other in years. It was the continuation of the … of the day they met, if there really were a … on it. And she actually didn’t think there could be anything else besides their usual senseless conversation that only they could understand. One thing led to the next. She was more puzzled on how things were going. He would call her on special occasions, chat with her everyday, not failing to be extra thoughtful. He would plan up a getaway with her, telling her it was his first time to really plan on something. Now, what was that about?

She crumpled the paper again, frustrated. She felt it was useless telling a story that was as unreal as Cinderella’s tale. What then is real?

They’ve known each other for 5 years now, 11 hours of it were spent together, the remaining practically as strangers, trying to know each other behind their monitors and phones. And all these time, they claimed to have known each other well. They spent these 11 hours comfortably that made her think that what they had was something special.

She knew what they had shared in 5 long years was the exact definition of oddness. She could’ve looked up in Webster and found its meaning as: an invisible friendship that started as a joke, shared apart, deepened despite the distance, continued to infinity.

She could’ve been contented on their friendship, but the 4, 5 hours of it changed it all. And the invisibility that came after ruined her dreams…coz she could never believe it could, at any point, be real.

She smirked at herself. Was there really a point that any of these things became real? Looking back, nothing seemed to make sense. Probably it was only her that laid an imaginative sense on everything. And now reality had finally found its way to bang her head and cruelly say that it was him that existed, not the one she had in mind. And it kicked her unmercifully. Who was she trying to convince that the story is convertible to reality, when it was her denying what’s already in front of her?

Hey, it’s been a long time since I last heard from you.

She wanted to ask why it did take him that long. She was damn bedazzled on what really happened. A ghost... She already pushed that idea away. She couldn’t believe that after all this time, he’d only been a ghost in her life. She wanted to tell him but then, she chose to say it plain: Yeah, nothing much has changed.

They say dreams do come true. But you’ve got to distinguish a dream that is plausible from something that you’re stuck with, just because you can’t let it go.

She sighed… She crumpled the paper once again, paused, and decided to keep that page. Some stories are better left untold. Indeed, it was just another story that would add up to her collection. The realization was already gazing at her, waiting for her to claim it, and yet she was reluctant to even give it a glance, coz she knew that when she got a hold of it, that signified the end of her story.

Did she want it to end?

She tried to sense any possible sign of anything at all. But she couldn’t discern a thing. Lost in that situation, she felt helpless. But then again, she chose to let things be.

Was it a mistake?

I’m coming back this year. Maybe I’ll see you then.

And…she sighed…

I'm Insane

2007-03-23T12:55:00.000+08:00

(Yeah, this may be a weird way of starting a new blog)

I stared at the ceiling of the small corner of my room one Sunday evening after a long day of being with friends and being alone all at the same time. I noticed the shadow on one of the glow-in-the-dark stickers near the fluorescent light, which led me to the thought: an object’s shadow is formed when the object blocks the light. And even if I dig deeper on how else can it possibly have a mark in my life, there’s just nothing more to it. Nothing more to ponder on. It’s just how you define a shadow. And some things just remain as they are.

I laughed at myself. Isn’t it funny how you get all these crazy ideas right after indulging yourself in a separate world of your own? At this very minute, I’m even having second thoughts with all these things going through my mind, but when I look closely, what the heck. I don’t need to explain my thoughts, more so myself to anyone.

Don’t we experience, at some point in our life, a certain degree of absurdity? Those who are insane enough are the ones who bravely face their insanity by contradicting what the society dictates them to do. And most of us, even with the continuous battle of sanity and madness within us, choose to live by the standards than be labeled “insane.”

Yeah, I am really caught up with this book that made me consciously think about crazy stuffs, and once and for all, realize that I had been insane, but refused to acknowledge that fact because of fear of what others might think of me.

So there’s the culprit: fear and vanity. I had been constantly reviewing my existence and life in its profound meaning. Some may immediately blurt out: that it in itself is crazy. Why waste time on useless thoughts? I can just accept things as they are. Why do I have to look at details so closely? Why can’t I just let things be? Should there always be a reason for everything? A hidden meaning for all that’s happening? And I never dared to open up to anyone just because I don’t want them to think that I’m not like them. And the sense of being the same with all others, the sense of belonging has got its place in the hierarchy of human’s needs, right Freud?

I’ve heard countless remarks to not overthink things, to do something more productive, to just live. And what exactly do we mean by living? We spend 20 or so years of our life studying math, science, literature and much of it are not even valuable to us right now, except for some conversations that would make us feel we’re smart enough to know all these stuffs. And why did we have to study all the way to college and get a degree? Coz that’s what everybody else does. Unless we get to college and graduate from a good university, we’re gonna be left behind. And so we did as what we were told to do. Then what? We fill ourselves with enthusiasm on the next chapter of our life – not having to seek support from our parents (financially, I mean), and be individuals of our own, earning our own money, preferably living on our own, doing things that pleasure us.

And in that stage, most people tend to get lost. We hear lots of people complaining how each day passes exactly the same way as the other. People drag themselves to work, because they have bills to pay, groceries to do, or children to send to the same prestigious schools.

Then we begin to think, is this all there is? Is life merely about breathing, getting up everyday doing the same thing, fulfilling responsibilities, building a dream and then accomplishing it?

I take time planning almost everything. I love the idea of doing things. I get pleasure in anticipating something to happen. That’s what keeps me going. Sometimes, plans do happen. And the feeling is just rewarding. But now that nearly everything has been laid upon me, there’s nothing more to wait for. Nothing more to be thrilled about. The waiting for the graduation, complete with hearing your name with some latin honors have already passed. No more big day to look forward to, so I make big fuss over little things – waiting for a phone call, anticipating a vacation with a friend, doing endless studies, doing marketing plans. And where will all these things lead me?

I hate being told what to do with my life. But sometimes I tend to just let them take the steering wheel, just to avoid any more arguments. Boy, I hate conflicts. So they tell me to work, I work. They tell me to be responsible and take care of tasks much larger than I think I can handle, I still give it a shot anyhow.

If I suddenly move out of “this life of mine” will people understand? Won’t they think I’m crazy enough to throw away a practically convenient life with nothing else to worry? Won’t they think I’m stupid to search for something else when everything I need is right in front of me? I don’t expect anybody to understand. What do they know? Is everything I need really just at the palm of my hands?

Some things are just nothing more than what they really are. But life is too vast for me to understand by just looking at a glow-in-the-dark sticker at my ceiling. When they tell me to just live, how am I supposed to do that if I’m just getting my light on the fluorescent and the only time I can shine is when the lights are already turned off?

Was I the one talking when I heard there’s nothing more to ponder on while staring at my ceiling? Insanity creeps in and it has found its way to surface!

THE POINT

2007-01-25T20:10:00.000+08:00

Are all feelings valid?

You woke up one morning, feeling the day is so right (good for you), but it turned out you’d just get upset for the rest of the day. You had it all planned, from what you’d wear down to what chapter you should reach on the book you’ve been reading before going to bed.

Don’t you hate it when you get everything planned up and just get disappointed somewhere along the way because something didn’t go with what you expected? Don’t you have the right to be upset when you’re looking forward to something but you have no control if it’s ever gonna happen at all?

When a circumstance got in your way and had the most unwanted effect on you, no matter how petty it could be, and no matter how much you try to rationalize that it’s just nothing, don’t you still get the most annoying feeling you could ever have trying to debate with yourself?

The point is, if you get happy because of a promotion, or just because someone gave you a gift, it’s still happiness. If you get frustrated redoing your thesis paper, or just because you’ve been waiting for someone for hours at the movie house, we still have the same label for it: frustration, irritation, disappointment.

No matter how biggie or plain it may sound, wouldn’t you agree that your feelings is all yours? Can anybody question or judge what you feel or tell you what you should or should not feel at all? The only thing you have control with is how you deal with your own chaos inside you (isn’t it the hardest part of it? ugh!) Coz believe me, as nonsense as it may seem, you still have to deal with it.

A GHOST

2006-09-13T12:44:00.000+08:00

IRC Chat room - DLSU Channel. It all started there. One boring weekend, with nobody else in the chat room made sense. A nick appeared on her screen, asking, ctc? Another hopeless guy, she thought. Where could he have possibly taken that nick from? Nevertheless, she gave it a shot.

Among all those who tried to pm her, it was this who got the meaning of her nick right. Yep, she was a fan of a song by Goo Goo Dolls. Then the usual followed: asl, school, how r u doin stuffs.

He said, i stopped school. And instantly she wondered, how could this guy afford to join DLSU Channel when he had practically nothing interesting in his life? Out-of-school youths did not impress her that much. And so as casually as possible, she answered all his questions and said the right words at the right time, not knowing she got all her impressions wrong.

Shortly, a lot of lols were already typed. Without realizing how late it was, she realized she somehow enjoyed the chat. Then they said bye bye and exchanged “real” names. It was fun, probably the most interesting chat she ever had. Some people in the chat room did make sense after all. But it won’t definitely be a habit. She had been loaded with so many things to do in school. Chatting was not really her thing.

Nothing of the weekend left a mark on her. She continued being a “geek” in school, as her friends would call her. She was well-planned in everything. Her daily schedule sucked. Everything in between classes was dorm, projects, defenses, books, a little movie, and lots of sleep. Yeah, maybe she was a bit of grade-conscious, but definitely not geek! Would aiming for 4.0s make her a geek? Hehehe.

Another busy week passed and she had all her papers done before the weekend. She definitely made a great schedule, as always. She had enough of her bed, so she straightened up and went directly to the computer, and logged on to DLSU Channel. A familiar nick appeared right away... Maybe he was as bored as her, she guessed. And before she knew it, they were chatting for hours again. This time, aside from the usual bye bye tc’s, numbers were swapped. She wasn’t really sure why she had agreed on it. There was no harm on giving numbers anyway. If this guy turned out to be a pervert of some sort, she could easily change her number and go on with her life.

They found a new way of bursting their craziness out: texting. She never believed in that kind of getting-to-know-each-other stage. It was an extremely old hat. How can she get along with someone invisible? Someone she didn’t even know? Surely it was easy to pretend to be somebody else. And so she never took anything seriously. They exchanged messages every now and then, greeted each other every morning, said good night before going to bed, and talked about how their days went. Simple, no complications at all.

Despite its oddness, their ghostly friendship, in a way, grew. They talked over the phone for hours, with endless laughter. Everything could be equated in just three words, weird but fun. Did they talk about problems? Not much. Did they talk about past love? Not much either. They stayed on the present, always finding something amusing on small stuffs: her homeworks, her professors, his grandma, his cartoons…it was never-ending! They were just having fun, and who they really were didn’t matter to her at all. She realized sharing a part of her life to a complete stranger was another form of adventure.

Then he began counting the days. He was soon migrating to another country and it was then she understood why he quit school. She thought of those last days as the peak of their invisible friendship. By the time she opened her eyes, there he was, calling her…not running out of something comic. No conversation ended earlier than 1am. Yeah, she was still busy but her perfectly-designed schedule could always find time to accommodate those late-night talks. He never failed amusing her. He would sing endlessly, old and new, English, Filipino and Japanese. It was his role to make her laugh and forget about all the wrongs in life. Everything seemed perfect.

He dropped by her dorm, and left her notes with the guard. They would laugh at how bizarre they were. Of course meeting up crossed their minds. But aside from the fact that she considered it rather corny to meet up, she didn’t see the point of it. He was leaving soon. Besides, they were fine that way, and she didn’t want to ask for anything else. So they dropped the idea. Friends with no faces they remained. And so there was something in that set-up that remained a mystery.

The very last night they talked was the most unforgettable. She had a class at 7am but she didn’t care even if she slept at 5am. How could she miss it? It was their last chance to laugh together and share what they had in common - absurdity. She can never forget how good it felt, knowing that he was just on the other line. Even if there were moments that they were just silent, even if she almost fell asleep, but knowing he was just there, maybe thinking, maybe asleep, it was an unexplainable feeling. The magic of that last night would forever be a mystery. It was a silent way of saying things that was impossible to be uttered. It was not a sad goodbye, but still it was an end that was inevitable.

The next thing she knew, he was calling her from the airport, telling her how much he will miss her. There was bit of regret. They were friends and that was a given fact. But could they have shared much more together if they were not too silly on their odd friendship? Then she realized, it won’t change a thing. He was right, he was like a ghost who passed by and left without any trace. But why did fate bring these two people together and then part just like that? She had always believed that every person you meet has a purpose in your life, and in some way they are meant to teach you a lesson, or simply to touch your life.

His leaving became real only on that very night when she realized she was alone, with no phone on her hand, and no laughter filling the room. But as they say, life has to go on. Friends come and go. She remembered him saying, he would call her as soon as he gets there, he would email her often. But she knew the missing would only last for a while. Soon, they would be used to their lives apart.

And they did. Emails became less. But whenever they bumped with each other in the net, they would chat the way they used to. She remained in awe how they were able to sustain that kind of relationship. Maybe, in the slightest possibility, they could’ve had something special, but sadly, it was not given enough chance to grow.

Two and a half years later.

There was a message sent to her saying, I’m home! When she realized it was from him, she felt the impulse that they had to meet. How could they afford to let his vacation pass without finally seeing each other? They had been friends for years already. They were not that silly after all.

Anxiety attacked. What if they didn’t go along well? What if they didn’t have as much fun as they had when they were invisible? It was more than 2 years of knowing a person without really knowing him, if you know what I mean. Didn’t she have the right to be anxious?

The moment a guy appeared in front of her, she knew it was him. And they hugged to finally say hi in person and perhaps to make up for their 2-year old friendship. All her apprehension disappeared. That meeting was as surprising and as peculiar as their friendship. Not having seen each other for all those time didn’t change what they had. They brought out the laughing out loud from chat, to text, to phone and finally to reality.

She remained as baffled as she had been on why they became friends. But she quit questioning it. Maybe they were meant to remind each other that no matter how two people meet, as long as they match in any possible way, even only at a certain point, they would forever leave a mark on each others’ lives.

Now, they still talk once in a while, untiringly bringing up the past... the perfect time that she believed they truly met, even without seeing each other in flesh. Then she believed that some friendships, faceless as they may be, were meant to last...

When Is It Over?

2006-07-22T21:27:00.000+08:00

So you had your heart broken. Endless thoughts of not being able to continue living, of not knowing how to start all over again. And after an eternity of denial, misery and letting-go drama, you begin to ask, “Am I ok?”

When is it really over? When you stop crying? When you feel numb of the pain? When you’re done listening to gushy songs? When you claim that you have moved on? When you start considering the idea of falling in love again?

Answer your question with a “yes” and you feel relieved. At last, you’ve gathered the broken pieces together. You smile a lot now. You meet a lot of people. You work hard. You think of a dazzling future awaiting you. You enjoy. It’s the perfect time of your life.

Unexpectedly, along your busy schedule, an old familiar song plays. An old note slips from your last year’s organizer. A familiar scent stirs your deepest oblivion. An old friend drops by to see how you’re doing. And you say “I’m great!” But at the back of your mind, you’re in fact asking, “Am I?” You begin questioning your new-found life. Are you happy? Are you content? Is this what you really want of your life? Are you complete?

Slowly you start staring blankly in front of your piles of paper works. And you just can’t acknowledge the fact that a part of you failed to completely erase the past. Hey, how can it possibly happen? Aren’t you over those thoughts already? Didn’t you hear yourself saying you’ve moved on? You try hard to mask yourself from these thoughts incessantly haunting you until your last yawn at night.

Unfair isn’t it? You had to take that long agonizing ride to get your life back, just to be rattled by a song… a note… a scent… a memory that you’ve tried to put behind you. Is it really over? It may be years already. A thought, just a mere thought of your endless what-ifs, will eventually wreck what you’ve struggled to have now. And you can’t just let it happen. You convince yourself that you’re not dumb enough to go through that misery all over again.

It’s been a while. And you’ve already regained yourself, your pride. You’ve learned how brilliant you are, how remarkably beautiful… You realized your worth. You realized that somewhere, something better awaits you… something that was especially prepared for you to discover, treasure, and keep... this time for real.

Now, you ask. Is it really over? A wise girl who learnt to love herself the hard way would proudly say, this time with finality, yes.

Could've Been Me (A Story)

2006-06-08T18:30:00.000+08:00

(Just trying to be a writer here...)

Sometime in 2003: It was a typical college night with my closest buds. We had our own little worlds in front of computers, waiting to starve. Nothing out of the ordinary. I knew after dinner, I would just go back to dorm, do my homework and go to bed.

Having had enough of emails, mp3s and Orisinal games, I insisted on having a fast dinner so I could go back to dorm. Although I didn’t say a thing, with the devilish smile plastered on their faces, I knew besides dinner, there would be something else.

And there he was! He just popped from nowhere, with that incredibly friendly smile, as if anticipating my bewilderment. He insisted taking all my stuffs placed on the chair beside me, took his seat, and plainly said hello. Right there, I knew, my life would never be the same again.

We became friends… really good friends. We spent most dinners together (at first as a group). Then one strange night before my finals in Taxation, I received a message from him, asking if we could have dinner, just the two of us... I didn’t mind at all, since we’ve been spending most of our time together talking nonstop about anything and everything we could think about. And that night was just the same as the others – lots of fun. Boy, I almost flunked my finals because of that.

Since then, we began to hang out more often. He was the one who hooked me on playing billiards. We watched countless movies together. We always stayed up late at the dorm lobby, with all those ghost stories… I could still hear Manong Guard say “Hoy, gabi na, pasok na sa loob.” Then I’d just laugh about it, knowing that Manong Sungit knew nothing about being in love.

It was fun being with him. He loved doing all those nasty exhibitions, and I’d laugh hard because of his silliness. He never ran out of hilarious stories to tell that never failed me to gasp for air in laughter.

Everybody assumed that we were a couple, or would soon be. Who wouldn’t think so? With all the extra special stuffs he’d been doin for me, I myself was even wondering how to define us…

But neither of us spoke anything about “us”. Nobody even made an attempt to throw a question. I knew he was special, but I never wanted to assume that he felt the same. Even with a smudge of perplexity, I was pretty content with the kind of “friendship” we had, hoping that soon when he had the courage to clear things out, we’d live happily ever after.

Big mistake. The moment we began being busy with school, we talked less and less. For months I was wondering how he was doing, and why hadn’t he dropped by to give me the usual pasalubong? I wanted to call him and ask him to play billiards again, or watch a movie again. But I was too afraid that he might just turn me down. Too proud that if he didn’t have the nerve to give me a ring, why should I?

Everything went back to normal, I stayed late staring at the computer, browsing and checking mails, this time – alone. I went to school, did my homework, and went to bed ready for the next day with the same routine. All the fun I had spent with him seemed to have happened centuries ago. All I could do was hope that as the term ended, he would just pop again from nowhere with that incredibly friendly smile, then everything would be just the same.

But it didn’t. The next thing I knew, he was involved with somebody else. I refused to believe he loved her. I couldn’t picture him doin exactly the same stuffs he used to do for me. I was devastated that I had to spend my 3 am’s cleaning my entire room, taking care of my roommate who got drunk, instead of me.

D’Sound became my best friend. They seemed to narrate my story on purpose. Yeah, I had to wallow myself in tears, and did the pathetic things a crushed girl does. I did keep everything in a box – all the pictures, candy wrappers, tissue papers, movie tickets, roses, CDs – everything! Wishing that the pain could be locked inside together with his memories.

Years passed. We both graduated from college and still never spoke about us. We had a few chances to hang out with all our other friends, and still, nobody dared to ask a single question. I could feel the gap, the invisible wall that separated us. We would casually talk, and laugh about crazy stuffs, but we could feel that it wasn’t the same anymore, and I thought I was already numb of the pain.

Instantly, after all those years, I almost forgot about him. I had learned to move on and think of our story as something that was never real. But I knew one way or another, we would have our own closure.

Unexpectedly, just like the old times, he popped from nowhere smiling to me like he used to. Surprisingly, he seemed to have gathered all the courage he lacked a long time ago. As if he suddenly wanted to fix things that he long left hanging.
We talked. The first time we ever did. I didn’t bother asking why just now. I didn’t care what made him suddenly talk about something I thought didn’t matter anymore. Coz somehow I knew, it was something I had been waiting for. What I ought to find out was something I believed would make a difference to the entire story. Just to find myself still feeling empty.

Not a word from him made sense at all. Questions were unnecessary, coz suddenly all the explanations of what went wrong seemed to be pointless. Nobody was to blame why we ended up not with each other. It’s really true that pain does fade, as well as, maybe…love. Coz the words I love you should’ve been said a long time ago to make sense.

We hugged and said our final goodbyes. After all those years, finally, the story was over. He had to go back to his loving girlfriend who could’ve been me if we had the guts to admit the feelings we tried to bury for so long… It was too late.
._____._____._____._____._____._____._____._____.
Tattooed on My Mind
D’Sound

Maybe you’ll soon forget about all
Or maybe you’ll miss it like I do
One thing’s for sure, I’m all knocked out
Spent too much time thinking of you
And I can’t get you out of my dreams
Now I know that you’re of dangerous kind
And your smile is tattooed on my mind
And I can’t get you out my dreams
Don’t wanna write
I don’t wanna call
I would not know what to say
It should be you
That’s how I want it to be
Tell me you feel the same way
Yesterday I was feeling sad
All I do today is tryin’ to be brave
And no melody can seem to soothe my mind
And now I curse you for being so sweet and so kind

Nyahahaha, corny!!! Nyaaakkkk! =)