Yesterday: A Series of Unwise Decisions

Have you done something and looked so unshakable about it and yet what you really wanted was just the exact opposite of what you've been portraying? Or is it just me? Maybe it's just part of the complicated nature of women. Sometimes, I don't get myself either. Phew!

There were instances in my life when I wanted to be alone and sort things out or simply to have a moment of peace. I call those my me-time.

Yesterday wasn't one of those.

Yesterday, I wanted to be surrounded with people. I wanted to feel loved and cared for. Yet, I wore that mask that I needed nobody. That I could very well take care of myself. That I enjoyed the solitude.

I pushed people away. I remained in my cave. And I waited. I waited if someone would look for me. But, the act was successful. Everyone was fooled by the facade. People called out but nobody looked farther. Nobody searched deeper.

Inside, I focused on the darkness. It was awful.

Now I ask, was it worth it? Did it do me any good? What on earth was I trying to prove? Not only did I push away the people who care about me deeply, but I also shut myself off from the great love being poured on me. Just because what, I wanted more?

I chose not to accept what was given to me. I chose not to listen. Instead I believed nobody cared. While my head knew very well I am never alone, my feelings betrayed me.

I was awakened by a reminder of a love beyond measure. A love beyond reason. A love that knows how ragged I am, yet holds me like the most priceless treasure in the world. And my worth isn't determined by my raggedness, but by his love. A love that laid down his life for me. Who questions that? Who asks for more than that?

Yesterday may be a moment of weakness. I may have slipped from that confidence. I may have allowed the lies to feed my heart. But...Oh boy, you have no idea how amazing it feels to be lifted up by a love so strong. A love so great. A love that stays. And I mean, forever.

I can be at the deepest ends of the earth, but this love will always find me. And it's the kind of love that I've always yearned for. How could I forget? Still, I know He looks on me beyond my here and now.

And in that love, I choose to run to.

The Big Pic

When God Speaks (1)

It was perfect. It seemed designed for no one else but me. So I started building a protective wall around it. There I held it dearly. There I had it guarded.

Something so precious seemed ideal from the inside of the walls I built. After all I believed it was the “plan.” So I had even the littlest of me involved with it. I was occupied.

And then…a nudge.

I didn’t bother. I was too absorbed to pay attention to a little nudge.

But it was persistent.

I was destabilized.

Hesitant, I stepped back. Perfect as it may have seemed, could I have been mistaken?

I watched it from a distance. But I couldn’t see a thing through those thick walls. I had to tear down a part of it so I could get a glimpse of what I held on to inside.

For some time, I just stared. I assessed. I reasoned.

I realized the more I focused on it, the more it seemed complicated.

Tired of having to adjust my view of it again and again, I tried to rebuild the torn walls and to get back inside where things seemed safer. (I know. Talk about being stubborn.)

But the more I tried to fit in, the more lost I was. It was as if a bigger picture lay somewhere that I needed to understand. And the walls kept me from my focus.

Outside the partially broken walls I stood. Motionless.

I had to decide.

*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*

Breaking the walls that I unwisely built is painful. Right in front of me is defenselessness.

I feel weariness sinking in. But the persistence is serious. The big picture is what I need to see.

As weakness surfaces, I hold on to a promise that God’s strength shall sustain. As reluctance continues, He gives assurance that at the end of it all, His design will prove to be the perfect plan.

The tearing of these walls may be a bit slow, and yes, agonizing. But God abounds with patience and love. I am hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; struck down, but not destroyed.

When I finally see the big picture, I know it’s right.

Choosing A Side

In the middle of an uncertainty where the truth is unknown, you have two options: to believe you're in the safe zone, or to fear the alert of the danger zone.

Safe zone is where you believe you remain invincible, impenetrable by anything or anyone. It is where you feel you are still in control.

Danger zone is where the line is crossed, the boundaries are exceeded until you become vulnerable to whatever circumstances may still bring. It is where you have lost your upper hand.

It is torturing to stay in the gray area. To not know what side to choose. To want to choose the safe zone but the fear of the danger zone keeps on bugging you like a forceful idea not wanting to give up its power over you.

However, in reality, there remains one last option: to find out the truth. Only, the final question would be: Are you ready for it?