The Big Pic: Exposed

I stand in front of totally shattered walls. I let out a deep sigh.

Is it of regret? Or relief?

I circle around the crumbles. I stare at the very thing being protected by the once sturdy walls.

It's there.

Exposed.

Now what?

Do I wait for it to just be blown away? Or do I simply turn my back?

The walls are destroyed. There's no use waiting. There's only one thing left to do.

Leave.

But then again, it takes another load of painful courage to do just that.

I stared. I lingered. I ached.

It's there.

Exposed.

I broke my walls. I let go of my illusory right to hold it strongly.

Do I need to hurt some more?

A strong wind pushes me farther.

And I step back.

Then a few more step.

And a few more.

Why Won't You Choose Me?

When God Speaks (3)

1 message received. I replied.
22 new notifications. I checked.
Lee singing The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkle. I watched AI. With full concentration.
“Paaanchiii” said my niece. (She was calling out her own name: Francis) I played with her.
Silence deafening. I turned my Ipod on.

I almost fell asleep.
I almost cried.
For the nth time.
Then he said,
I’m just here.
Why won’t you tell me?
Why won’t you cry to me?

Why won’t you choose me?

There are moments in our life when we turn to a lot of things when we’re dealing with frustrations or pain. We keep ourselves occupied. Everything is just one click away. Everyone is just one tweet away.

And we indulge.

We talk even to ourselves. Yes, ourselves. Reasoning out, debating, pity partying. And we’re surprised we get nowhere. No answers. No light at the end of the tunnel.

All along God is just waiting for you to open your heart to him. He’s there. He’s waiting.

Need someone to talk with? Don’t come running to your Facebook account or reach for the remote for your favorite series just yet.

Faced with choices where you can run to, whom you can cry out to, scream at, argue with…

Choose Him.

Lay It Down

I've been lookin' till my eyes are tired of lookin'
Listenin' till my ears are numb from listenin'
Prayin' till my knees are sore from kneelin' on the bedroom floor
I know that you know that my heart is achin'
I'm running out of tears and my will is breakin'
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,
Are slowly slippin' through my folded hands


So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do?
Cause everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down.


I've been walkin' through this world like I'm barely livin'
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been diggin'
But You're pullin' me out
I'm finally breathin' in the open air
This room may be dark but I'm finally seein'
There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believin'
That the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now
Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands


So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
Oh what else can I do,
Cause everthing I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down.

by: Jaci Velasquez

This says exactly what I'm going through right now...

The Big Pic Revisited

I was halfway tearing down my wall when I stopped. I was too tired to carry on, thinking that if I chose to let things be, it will all get clear when the time is right.

For a time, everything was fine. I looked at my wall once in a while and then shrugged.

It’s going to be okay.

And it was... for a little more while.

Then, another nudge.

It was stronger.

Even more painful.

Ugh, when will I ever learn?

But unlike before, I paid attention. I listened. There must be something that I’ve missed. Something that I refused to acknowledge.

And the decision finally set in.

I have to destroy my wall. Not little by little. Not piece by piece. I need to break it down without holding back. Even if each brick that I successfully smashed ripped a part of me.

If it means defenselessness, I am willing to be exposed.

If it means vulnerability, I am willing to be in a weak position.

If it means surrender, then I am willing to give up control.

I am now decided to see the big pic.

And with my broken wall, I am letting go.

Nevertheless, I know I'm not alone.


The Big Pic

This Isn't About Nike

Okay. I have only one pair of rubber shoes, which I bought on sale. If it weren't, I wouldn't have spent a single cent for it. I used it only a couple of times. That was when I was hooked up with trying to allow my lymphatic system work better by playing badminton.

I hate strenuous activities. I hate the gym. I hate running. You'd see me pout if you ask me to walk a few blocks. That's why I don't care having just a pair of rubber shoes.

I hate running. But it's something I'm quite good at. Not that I've won a marathon or something. But if there were such an award for it, I must have had that gold medal by now. Alright. Not that I'm proud of it either.

It's as if I have this personal invisible alarm that goes wild when it sees danger. As I look back, I see how many times I heeded to this alarm and walked away...ran away. And the endings weren't always good. I had to deal with a long process of healing. But come to think of it, most of those wounds are not completely healed yet. They just remain untouched for a while, and the moment my personal invisible alarm sends me that familiar signal again, even the slightest touch open up the old wounds and I can't help but again...run.

And it's just exhausting.

Oh how I wanted to end this blog with that last sentence. But I can't. Not without writing what he told me while I'm occupied by this running thing.

When you run away from something, you have to have something to turn onto. You can't just run away towards nothingness, unless you want to be stuck and lost for the rest of your life.

At some degree, we all do run away. The question is, to where? To whom? Most of the time and even unknowingly, we are desperate to get the security we always need, to get some questions answered, to just rest. But only when we run to an unchanging God and allow his love to carry us through the fears and uncertainties could we ever cross our finish line.

Is it okay to run away? Maybe. As long as we're heading to the right direction.

Did You Feel My Love Today?

When God Speaks (2)

I was about to sleep. But I felt something was missing.

I grabbed my IPod.

You broke the night like the sun. And healed my heart with your great love. Any trouble I couldn’t bear, you lifted me upon your shoulders.

I asked him, “Would you talk to me?”

Love that’s stronger. Love that covers sin. And takes the weight of the world.

I waited. I knew it was only him that could fill what was missing.

At that point where I acknowledged that only he shall satisfy, he softly asked,

“Did you feel my love today?”

Silence.

Instant flashback. What did happen to me today?

I went “Ermm…Uhmm...” I was groping for something to say.

Yes, I was busy.

“I was with you today, just like any other day…”

*****************************************************************************
We’re busy. We always are. After all the accomplished tasks in our to-do list we feel a certain sense of fulfillment for the day, and yet we feel empty.

We’re tired. We always are. We consume ourselves with all our cares and slump back to our bed at the end of day searching for a reason to celebrate.

Then we go wondering where God was all day.

Every single day, his desire is for us to share a life with him. Not just a minute. Not just before a meal. He longs to be a part of our life, even the most trivial parts of it. He knows our thoughts, our deepest longings, our busyness, and even our idleness. And he desires for us to share them with him. He waits. He cares. He loves.

Did you feel his love for you today?

Can I Just Stare?

When things seem overwhelming, what is your first reaction? Do you immediately plan some solution in mind? Or do you cry out to God in anguish? Or do you slump into a corner in hopelessness?

I do all these things. Only backwards. When things seem too much for me to handle, it’s really difficult for me to get a good grasp on where to start. I find myself lost in the situation with a vague idea of what to do.

Is it that bad to have tiny moments of weakness? To undergo a period of questions and uncertainties?

Most of the time, I stand in the middle of the chaos… and just stare. I stare blankly at everything moving in slow motion. And I feel the waves too intense almost consuming me. There are times I feel like giving in and just accept defeat.

At that point when I am at my weakest, as I allow the waves crashing into me, I feel a hand gently holding me, reassuring me that as I stare, He’s going to stand by me until the chaos turns into stillness in Him.

(It’s so amazing to feel God’s hand so real…)

The Big Pic

When God Speaks (1)

It was perfect. It seemed designed for no one else but me. So I started building a protective wall around it. There I held it dearly. There I had it guarded.

Something so precious seemed ideal from the inside of the walls I built. After all I believed it was the “plan.” So I had even the littlest of me involved with it. I was occupied.

And then…a nudge.

I didn’t bother. I was too absorbed to pay attention to a little nudge.

But it was persistent.

I was destabilized.

Hesitant, I stepped back. Perfect as it may have seemed, could I have been mistaken?

I watched it from a distance. But I couldn’t see a thing through those thick walls. I had to tear down a part of it so I could get a glimpse of what I held on to inside.

For some time, I just stared. I assessed. I reasoned.

I realized the more I focused on it, the more it seemed complicated.

Tired of having to adjust my view of it again and again, I tried to rebuild the torn walls and to get back inside where things seemed safer. (I know. Talk about being stubborn.)

But the more I tried to fit in, the more lost I was. It was as if a bigger picture lay somewhere that I needed to understand. And the walls kept me from my focus.

Outside the partially broken walls I stood. Motionless.

I had to decide.

*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*

Breaking the walls that I unwisely built is painful. Right in front of me is defenselessness.

I feel weariness sinking in. But the persistence is serious. The big picture is what I need to see.

As weakness surfaces, I hold on to a promise that God’s strength shall sustain. As reluctance continues, He gives assurance that at the end of it all, His design will prove to be the perfect plan.

The tearing of these walls may be a bit slow, and yes, agonizing. But God abounds with patience and love. I am hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; struck down, but not destroyed.

When I finally see the big picture, I know it’s right.

Caving In

Faced with uncertainty, fear consumes you. When given tough choices, you are confused. When you don't know the answer, you lose confidence. And when you find yourself saying I Don't Know, you are lost. You can’t move. You’re simply frozen. Most often than not, you retreat. You move into your cave of comfort with no one to bother you.

People call you from the outside, throwing in ropes to rescue you and yet you ask, do you want to be rescued? So you move back farther until you hear them no more. And in your solitude you stare at the darkness, praying for even a tiny light.

The wait is hard. Sometimes you feel like giving up and just remain where you are.

Your heart is deceived for a while and as you choose your cave, you limit yourself into the walls of darkness. As you allow yourself to be locked inside your own judgment, you fail to understand the depth of reasons laid before you. As you choose your cave, you miss out the great things that await you if you’ve just had that faith to step out.

If you would just look onto the other side of your cave you will see that tiny, inviting light. If you would just listen intently, the incomprehensible murmurs will turn into clear voice of hope.

It is not meant for you to remain captive of your own idea of life. The vagueness of your perception can be cleared. The confusion in your heart can be set straight. And it is not inside your cave that you will figure things out.

Your plans are outweighed by Someone Else’s whose design is far greater than you can imagine. If you would just let Him lead you out of your cave, your uncertainties will be replaced by definiteness. If you would just pay attention to his voice, you won't miss him saying "I will never leave you."

But inside your cave? You will never know the greater purpose you are intended for.

Experience God's amazing plans in your life. Step out of your cave!

The Pattern

(When Confusion Strikes)

You stare at your map, trying to figure out the direction you are heading. You carefully check on each road and curves that would lead you to your destination. But somewhere along the way, it has lost you. You are then, faced with tough choices that you’d rather not make. Decisions that can radically change your life. Paths that would lead you to some place uncertain. And in your heart, you just wish the map would be more explicit in pointing out the easiest road to where you’re supposed to be.

You begin to see a certain pattern. A particular path that leaves you wandering in circles. So you make a step backward and try to assess your facts. But what if your facts are unreadable, clouded by a whole lot of other things you have no control of? Or perhaps you do, but you opt not to. How do you ever read your map?

A king in the middle of uncertainty in a battle once said: For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you.

Sometimes it’s ok to admit that you don’t know some things. That you are uncertain. Instead of playing it all along in your own hands, thinking you’ve got it all covered. But as you take just a little step backward, perhaps it is not for your eyes to assess things once again, but it’s time to focus your eyes to the one who has all the answers.

As you remain in the middle of the road, flooded with too many options you can’t seem to rationalize, guided by a certain map which don’t quite make sense, maybe it’s about time to focus your eyes on Him who would tell you in the end: Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.

Unsaid

Words piled up
Wanting to be said
But the lips are shut
Uncertain to speak a word.

Eyes wide open
Trying to read in between
But all is unclear
Hard to peek within.

The space getting smaller
The maze harder to decode
For questions remain unanswered
Clues are left untold.

Is waiting a test?
Is silence secure?
While truth remains a mystery
While the path remains unsure.

When time isn't right
Is the tongue to be held?
Are some things really
Better left unsaid?

The Battle is not to the Warriors

I had my very first attempt to encourage a team. I never thought it would be this exciting, I myself was the one encouraged!

Background: Ideally, I handle the sales/marketing department of our company. Yep, ideally, because I also handle a whole lot other things in the office- human resource, a bit of admin, a bit of quality control, practically a bit of everything. That's how great it is to work in a family business. You get to learn a lot. I mean, a looooot.

Anyway, last week, my boss/my dad instructed me to create a problem. Who does such a thing? You create your problem then figure out your own solution. But I got so encouraged by my boss's vision for the business. Well, I didn't set my hopes and dreams as high as his, but I'd like to think that starting from somewhere does mean something.

So, this afternoon, I gathered everyone and shared my vision with them. Preparing for that one-hour report/goal-setting/encouragement was thrilling, but I never thought that the actual thing would rouse something in me that simply wants to run and just go for it! Turn all these plans into an actual output! Realize the goal!

But, more than the that, it is the faces of our employees that got me fired up. Seeing that what I was saying (after all the hesitation to pursue the set goal knowing we may not make it) made sense, gave me more confidence that we, as a team, can actually solve this problem that I created. ;)

Not only the trained runners are capable of running. Not only the skilled warriors are capable of fighting. We may be all beginners in this first attempt, but it won't stop us in believing that to those who trust God and persevere, nothing is impossible.

Now, I stand expectant.

"I again saw under the sun that the race is not to the swift, and the battle is not to the warriors." -Ecclesiastes 9:11

The Crossroad

In the middle of crossroads you stand
Been wandering in circles, do you still run?
Left or right, you remain confused
Which way to go, you need to choose.

Your heart’s desire, just a step away
But do you go for it, or do you stay?
Swayed by uncertainty, but it’s what you want
You want to grab it now, but you just can’t.

Arms stretched, you try to reach
You try to move forward inch by inch
Is it for you, you stop and doubt
Do you pursue north or do you head back south?

Looking behind, do you go back?
Do you close your eyes and try your luck?
Listening intently, seeking for the Voice
Please help me, you say, I need to make a choice.

Standing unmoved, you look at the road
Trying to discern answers yet untold
Wind is blowing, your name they call
But grounded you stay, determined not to fall.

The end of the road, you still don’t see
Helpless inside, what’s your destiny
As you stand there, you patiently wait
The road may be unknown… but take it to your faith.

Trina

(This is what I get from looking through old files in my computer before reformatting. ;p)

It was the second time she watched the stars with him while sitting by the beach. She could still recall how she used to love those scenes in movies and she never thought the stars could actually be lovely to stare at. He was just a few inches away from her and it was one of the most amazing, unexplainable feelings there could ever be.

A few years back, the idea of him was real only in romantic novels that she used to read. But he made everything truly like a fairy tale in real life. He had the kindest smile she had ever seen. He had the ability to make her feel like there was nothing more important in the world than to be with her.

He took her to places she had never been before. It was not as if she had never seen trees, and flowers and lakes, but nature seemed lovelier and more perfect with him having to show it to her. He declared her as his inspiration in front of his family, his friends and probably half of the town’s population and she just drowned with so much attention he poured out on her.

By the steadiness of his breath, she knew he was already asleep. As she heard the little waves break into the shore, she stared at him trying to discern something unspoken. She smiled remembering all the good things of the past and she wondered if he somehow thought of it too.

Things were already different. Maybe two years was really long enough to change everything. Even if his mere presence brought back a familiar feeling, and even if he were there right beside her, there was still a strange hollow between them.

Earlier, their friends continued to tease them as if it were a continuation of that special thing they once shared. They sang their old songs and tried to bring back that bond that they lost after so long. It was surreal. It was like one of those fairy tales brought back to life.

She asked herself, was the feeling still there? But until the break of dawn, she was not able to come up with any answer.

He opened his eyes and she realized it was time to go. She smiled at him and felt the awkwardness to say a word. She knew it was time. Because the moment they leave that shore where they watched the stars together, she already felt the coldness of the sand that she will leave behind, together with the new hope that the early morning sky promises.

He stopped the car where she had to take off. He told the others, “Guys, let’s drop Trina off first.” A very fast, deep regret in his face was unmistakable as if he wished to have bitten his tongue at that very moment.

It wasn’t her name.

Choosing A Side

In the middle of an uncertainty where the truth is unknown, you have two options: to believe you're in the safe zone, or to fear the alert of the danger zone.

Safe zone is where you believe you remain invincible, impenetrable by anything or anyone. It is where you feel you are still in control.

Danger zone is where the line is crossed, the boundaries are exceeded until you become vulnerable to whatever circumstances may still bring. It is where you have lost your upper hand.

It is torturing to stay in the gray area. To not know what side to choose. To want to choose the safe zone but the fear of the danger zone keeps on bugging you like a forceful idea not wanting to give up its power over you.

However, in reality, there remains one last option: to find out the truth. Only, the final question would be: Are you ready for it?

License to Rest

This is one of those moments where I am feeling terribly tired, yet feeling condemned for having that feeling. I'm crazy right?

Rest is meant for people who have been productive enough to earn that break. I don't know where I got that from, but it has been my philosophy since I started living in the real world of business.

As for me, I haven’t accomplished anything yet and I’m running out of patience. I know I’ve got a lot of things to do and in my mind they are all piled up, but I just couldn’t get the exact attitude to get it done. The mere thought of doing all these things make me scream "Stoooop!!!" inside.

So I say, I’m just tired but I have no license to rest. How tormenting can that be.

Authority in Question

Submission is a word most people hate. Of course. As much as possible we want to have things our way. But whether we like it or not, as long as we do not have a planet of our own where our rules and sole power reign, we have to submit to certain forms of authority.

Undoubtedly we have our own dominion in our little lives but when we step out and face the world, we still have to pay some form of respect to other people especially those who have authority over us, say our boss.

I am one of the nicest and most supportive bosses. I always encourage, praise good output, play down mistakes, and I very rarely yell. So I do feel awful when people become abusive and start to give me an attitude.

I am very much upset by people who seem to discount my authority as a boss. Is it acceptable to just go on a leave without giving any notice at all? Is it tolerable to make faces when given instructions? What’s the problem with these people! I need not spell it out as a policy. It takes just a little common sense!

You might suggest confrontation. All right, that makes me imperfect now. I hate confrontations and before I start yelling I have to recollect my emotions first. I know I don’t have to take things personally, maintain professionalism and all that. But sometimes it’s quite tough not to take things personally when as simple as common courtesy just doesn’t seem so common anymore. I’m starting to think if it’s being done on purpose. Running a business is really hard, but managing people is a whole lot harder.

Submission is not blind obedience. It is almost inseparable with respect. And in this arena, I believe disrespect is worse than disobedience.

Sorry Is Just Another Word

Sorry is one of the overused and most abused words. It has become so ordinary that it gets to the ranks of “you know” or “whatever” or “like.” I don’t have anything against these. But it’s, like, you know…it has lost its meaning already or whatever.

We spill a coffee over someone and we say sorry. We don’t get what another person says and we say “I’m sorry?” Often, we choose to let go of words before even thinking about it and hurt other people because we can always resort to saying sorry anyway. People feel more liberty in being unkind or insensitive because they are free to dig in to the unlimited resource of sorry.

Sorry is a feeling of sorrow, regret or grief. It's not something that we take advantage of and excuse our shortcomings with. It's not something that's supposed to come out just to get things over with. I was reminded by someone that sorry is not the end of the discussion, but most of the time, it's where the real talk begins.

Sorry with no heart, no sincerity, is just another word. We cannot say we're sorry and at the same time justify what we do something wrong. We cannot say sorry and have a list of reasons that rationalizes our actions. When we say we're sorry, we simply are.

In the Middle of Silence

Silence is deafening, some people say. Sitting next to a person hearing nothing but the sounds of his breath is not easy. People resort to make whatever sound, tap their fingers, and initiate small talks just to fill in the awkward gaps. It's hard to be steady in the middle of silence. Most of the time, there has to be the littlest noise to break it.


What's in silence that people cannot bear? The awkwardness? The nothingness? The solitude?


I love silence. I love long drives with no radio on. No talking. I can go for hours without speaking a word. I love to be alone with my own thoughts. And sometimes it's the best time to recognize ones existence. It's one of the few moments to be reminded of life's simple pleasures, the ones that are always overshadowed by the busyness of this life. It's the time to uncover the realities that go unnoticed because each is consumed by the seemingly more important facts of life.


Nearly every place has no room for silence. In the middle of today's worries, even in our sleep we find no silence, no peace. I wonder when is the last time we have a time of quiet and just discover the marvel of the unknown...of some things greater than us...of the profundity of life and our existence.

In A Rush

*Alarm*
She wakes up at the exact time
Not a second later,
Not earlier.
She says a quick prayer
Then leaps from her bed to take a shower.

*Office*
She flees to her office
Does the first thing that pops to her head.
Tries to do everything all at once
So much for the daily planner
She jumps from one task to another.

*Frustration*
She's programmed to work
She goes on until the end of the day
Weariness
Her mind and heart aren't there
Still she does her job, but not quite well.

*The After*
She heads on to her friends,
Amazed. Puzzled
How can they remain so enthusiastic
When she barely has the muscles to smile
More so to think.

*More Frustration*
She doubts herself.
Feeling of inadequacy
She's not used to
She has to be like them
Everything, she wants to learn.

But she has no time,
No energy
No more willingness to.

*Disappointment*