Thursday, August 26, 2010

Manila: For Real?

Day 2 in Manila.

I almost cried out of exasperation yesterday. I didn't realize how frustrating it was to look for an apartment. All the ones I've checked looked either scary or unhygienic. Just imagining myself to be living in such kind of place makes me wanna throw up and feel sorry for myself. Add the remark of my friend, "this must be really hard for you..." with that sympathetic look. Ugh, I wanted to burst in tears right there and then!

But well, that was yesterday. And I made a promise I'll quit playing the victim role! So I woke up early and prepared myself for another day. I still had some anxiety attacks and the I-don't-want-to-do-this-anymore bratty attitude of mine, but give me a break. I am just beginning, okay?

So after all those delays before I could even step out of my friend's condo, I finally headed on for my day 2's adventure. I went for a job interview, which gave me an option to accept or decline the offer. Talk about favor. The decision just depends on whether I would take the job or not! Then, I went on to look for an apartment again. Favor #2? I found the perfect place!

Now it's mid-afternoon and I'm really tired. But I feel I've accomplished a lot already. I know I've got to endure a lot more long walks and jeepney rides for a while. (Now I realize how sheltered I was back in college. I never did any of these stuffs before!) But still in my heart I know I need to pass this test. I've allowed enough foolishness to consume me in the past. This I cannot afford to fail. I can't quit just yet. God must have something wonderful ahead of me and I'm in faith God's grace is sufficient for me to get there!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Yesterday: A Series of Unwise Decisions

Have you done something and looked so unshakable about it and yet what you really wanted was just the exact opposite of what you've been portraying? Or is it just me? Maybe it's just part of the complicated nature of women. Sometimes, I don't get myself either. Phew!

There were instances in my life when I wanted to be alone and sort things out or simply to have a moment of peace. I call those my me-time.

Yesterday wasn't one of those.

Yesterday, I wanted to be surrounded with people. I wanted to feel loved and cared for. Yet, I wore that mask that I needed nobody. That I could very well take care of myself. That I enjoyed the solitude.

I pushed people away. I remained in my cave. And I waited. I waited if someone would look for me. But, the act was successful. Everyone was fooled by the facade. People called out but nobody looked farther. Nobody searched deeper.

Inside, I focused on the darkness. It was awful.

Now I ask, was it worth it? Did it do me any good? What on earth was I trying to prove? Not only did I push away the people who care about me deeply, but I also shut myself off from the great love being poured on me. Just because what, I wanted more?

I chose not to accept what was given to me. I chose not to listen. Instead I believed nobody cared. While my head knew very well I am never alone, my feelings betrayed me.

I was awakened by a reminder of a love beyond measure. A love beyond reason. A love that knows how ragged I am, yet holds me like the most priceless treasure in the world. And my worth isn't determined by my raggedness, but by his love. A love that laid down his life for me. Who questions that? Who asks for more than that?

Yesterday may be a moment of weakness. I may have slipped from that confidence. I may have allowed the lies to feed my heart. But...Oh boy, you have no idea how amazing it feels to be lifted up by a love so strong. A love so great. A love that stays. And I mean, forever.

I can be at the deepest ends of the earth, but this love will always find me. And it's the kind of love that I've always yearned for. How could I forget? Still, I know He looks on me beyond my here and now.

And in that love, I choose to run to.