Wednesday, September 13, 2006


IRC Chat room - DLSU Channel. It all started there. One boring weekend, with nobody else in the chat room made sense. A nick appeared on her screen, asking, ctc? Another hopeless guy, she thought. Where could he have possibly taken that nick from? Nevertheless, she gave it a shot.

Among all those who tried to pm her, it was this who got the meaning of her nick right. Yep, she was a fan of a song by Goo Goo Dolls. Then the usual followed: asl, school, how r u doin stuffs.

He said, i stopped school. And instantly she wondered, how could this guy afford to join DLSU Channel when he had practically nothing interesting in his life? Out-of-school youths did not impress her that much. And so as casually as possible, she answered all his questions and said the right words at the right time, not knowing she got all her impressions wrong.

Shortly, a lot of lols were already typed. Without realizing how late it was, she realized she somehow enjoyed the chat. Then they said bye bye and exchanged “real” names. It was fun, probably the most interesting chat she ever had. Some people in the chat room did make sense after all. But it won’t definitely be a habit. She had been loaded with so many things to do in school. Chatting was not really her thing.

Nothing of the weekend left a mark on her. She continued being a “geek” in school, as her friends would call her. She was well-planned in everything. Her daily schedule sucked. Everything in between classes was dorm, projects, defenses, books, a little movie, and lots of sleep. Yeah, maybe she was a bit of grade-conscious, but definitely not geek! Would aiming for 4.0s make her a geek? Hehehe.

Another busy week passed and she had all her papers done before the weekend. She definitely made a great schedule, as always. She had enough of her bed, so she straightened up and went directly to the computer, and logged on to DLSU Channel. A familiar nick appeared right away... Maybe he was as bored as her, she guessed. And before she knew it, they were chatting for hours again. This time, aside from the usual bye bye tc’s, numbers were swapped. She wasn’t really sure why she had agreed on it. There was no harm on giving numbers anyway. If this guy turned out to be a pervert of some sort, she could easily change her number and go on with her life.

They found a new way of bursting their craziness out: texting. She never believed in that kind of getting-to-know-each-other stage. It was an extremely old hat. How can she get along with someone invisible? Someone she didn’t even know? Surely it was easy to pretend to be somebody else. And so she never took anything seriously. They exchanged messages every now and then, greeted each other every morning, said good night before going to bed, and talked about how their days went. Simple, no complications at all.

Despite its oddness, their ghostly friendship, in a way, grew. They talked over the phone for hours, with endless laughter. Everything could be equated in just three words, weird but fun. Did they talk about problems? Not much. Did they talk about past love? Not much either. They stayed on the present, always finding something amusing on small stuffs: her homeworks, her professors, his grandma, his cartoons…it was never-ending! They were just having fun, and who they really were didn’t matter to her at all. She realized sharing a part of her life to a complete stranger was another form of adventure.

Then he began counting the days. He was soon migrating to another country and it was then she understood why he quit school. She thought of those last days as the peak of their invisible friendship. By the time she opened her eyes, there he was, calling her…not running out of something comic. No conversation ended earlier than 1am. Yeah, she was still busy but her perfectly-designed schedule could always find time to accommodate those late-night talks. He never failed amusing her. He would sing endlessly, old and new, English, Filipino and Japanese. It was his role to make her laugh and forget about all the wrongs in life. Everything seemed perfect.

He dropped by her dorm, and left her notes with the guard. They would laugh at how bizarre they were. Of course meeting up crossed their minds. But aside from the fact that she considered it rather corny to meet up, she didn’t see the point of it. He was leaving soon. Besides, they were fine that way, and she didn’t want to ask for anything else. So they dropped the idea. Friends with no faces they remained. And so there was something in that set-up that remained a mystery.

The very last night they talked was the most unforgettable. She had a class at 7am but she didn’t care even if she slept at 5am. How could she miss it? It was their last chance to laugh together and share what they had in common - absurdity. She can never forget how good it felt, knowing that he was just on the other line. Even if there were moments that they were just silent, even if she almost fell asleep, but knowing he was just there, maybe thinking, maybe asleep, it was an unexplainable feeling. The magic of that last night would forever be a mystery. It was a silent way of saying things that was impossible to be uttered. It was not a sad goodbye, but still it was an end that was inevitable.

The next thing she knew, he was calling her from the airport, telling her how much he will miss her. There was bit of regret. They were friends and that was a given fact. But could they have shared much more together if they were not too silly on their odd friendship? Then she realized, it won’t change a thing. He was right, he was like a ghost who passed by and left without any trace. But why did fate bring these two people together and then part just like that? She had always believed that every person you meet has a purpose in your life, and in some way they are meant to teach you a lesson, or simply to touch your life.

His leaving became real only on that very night when she realized she was alone, with no phone on her hand, and no laughter filling the room. But as they say, life has to go on. Friends come and go. She remembered him saying, he would call her as soon as he gets there, he would email her often. But she knew the missing would only last for a while. Soon, they would be used to their lives apart.

And they did. Emails became less. But whenever they bumped with each other in the net, they would chat the way they used to. She remained in awe how they were able to sustain that kind of relationship. Maybe, in the slightest possibility, they could’ve had something special, but sadly, it was not given enough chance to grow.

Two and a half years later.

There was a message sent to her saying, I’m home! When she realized it was from him, she felt the impulse that they had to meet. How could they afford to let his vacation pass without finally seeing each other? They had been friends for years already. They were not that silly after all.

Anxiety attacked. What if they didn’t go along well? What if they didn’t have as much fun as they had when they were invisible? It was more than 2 years of knowing a person without really knowing him, if you know what I mean. Didn’t she have the right to be anxious?

The moment a guy appeared in front of her, she knew it was him. And they hugged to finally say hi in person and perhaps to make up for their 2-year old friendship. All her apprehension disappeared. That meeting was as surprising and as peculiar as their friendship. Not having seen each other for all those time didn’t change what they had. They brought out the laughing out loud from chat, to text, to phone and finally to reality.

She remained as baffled as she had been on why they became friends. But she quit questioning it. Maybe they were meant to remind each other that no matter how two people meet, as long as they match in any possible way, even only at a certain point, they would forever leave a mark on each others’ lives.

Now, they still talk once in a while, untiringly bringing up the past... the perfect time that she believed they truly met, even without seeing each other in flesh. Then she believed that some friendships, faceless as they may be, were meant to last...

Saturday, July 22, 2006

When Is It Over?

So you had your heart broken. Endless thoughts of not being able to continue living, of not knowing how to start all over again. And after an eternity of denial, misery and letting-go drama, you begin to ask, “Am I ok?”

When is it really over? When you stop crying? When you feel numb of the pain? When you’re done listening to gushy songs? When you claim that you have moved on? When you start considering the idea of falling in love again?

Answer your question with a “yes” and you feel relieved. At last, you’ve gathered the broken pieces together. You smile a lot now. You meet a lot of people. You work hard. You think of a dazzling future awaiting you. You enjoy. It’s the perfect time of your life.

Unexpectedly, along your busy schedule, an old familiar song plays. An old note slips from your last year’s organizer. A familiar scent stirs your deepest oblivion. An old friend drops by to see how you’re doing. And you say “I’m great!” But at the back of your mind, you’re in fact asking, “Am I?” You begin questioning your new-found life. Are you happy? Are you content? Is this what you really want of your life? Are you complete?

Slowly you start staring blankly in front of your piles of paper works. And you just can’t acknowledge the fact that a part of you failed to completely erase the past. Hey, how can it possibly happen? Aren’t you over those thoughts already? Didn’t you hear yourself saying you’ve moved on? You try hard to mask yourself from these thoughts incessantly haunting you until your last yawn at night.

Unfair isn’t it? You had to take that long agonizing ride to get your life back, just to be rattled by a song… a note… a scent… a memory that you’ve tried to put behind you. Is it really over? It may be years already. A thought, just a mere thought of your endless what-ifs, will eventually wreck what you’ve struggled to have now. And you can’t just let it happen. You convince yourself that you’re not dumb enough to go through that misery all over again.

It’s been a while. And you’ve already regained yourself, your pride. You’ve learned how brilliant you are, how remarkably beautiful… You realized your worth. You realized that somewhere, something better awaits you… something that was especially prepared for you to discover, treasure, and keep... this time for real.

Now, you ask. Is it really over? A wise girl who learnt to love herself the hard way would proudly say, this time with finality, yes.

Thursday, June 8, 2006

Could've Been Me (A Story)

(Just trying to be a writer here...)

Sometime in 2003: It was a typical college night with my closest buds. We had our own little worlds in front of computers, waiting to starve. Nothing out of the ordinary. I knew after dinner, I would just go back to dorm, do my homework and go to bed.

Having had enough of emails, mp3s and Orisinal games, I insisted on having a fast dinner so I could go back to dorm. Although I didn’t say a thing, with the devilish smile plastered on their faces, I knew besides dinner, there would be something else.

And there he was! He just popped from nowhere, with that incredibly friendly smile, as if anticipating my bewilderment. He insisted taking all my stuffs placed on the chair beside me, took his seat, and plainly said hello. Right there, I knew, my life would never be the same again.

We became friends… really good friends. We spent most dinners together (at first as a group). Then one strange night before my finals in Taxation, I received a message from him, asking if we could have dinner, just the two of us... I didn’t mind at all, since we’ve been spending most of our time together talking nonstop about anything and everything we could think about. And that night was just the same as the others – lots of fun. Boy, I almost flunked my finals because of that.

Since then, we began to hang out more often. He was the one who hooked me on playing billiards. We watched countless movies together. We always stayed up late at the dorm lobby, with all those ghost stories… I could still hear Manong Guard say “Hoy, gabi na, pasok na sa loob.” Then I’d just laugh about it, knowing that Manong Sungit knew nothing about being in love.

It was fun being with him. He loved doing all those nasty exhibitions, and I’d laugh hard because of his silliness. He never ran out of hilarious stories to tell that never failed me to gasp for air in laughter.

Everybody assumed that we were a couple, or would soon be. Who wouldn’t think so? With all the extra special stuffs he’d been doin for me, I myself was even wondering how to define us…

But neither of us spoke anything about “us”. Nobody even made an attempt to throw a question. I knew he was special, but I never wanted to assume that he felt the same. Even with a smudge of perplexity, I was pretty content with the kind of “friendship” we had, hoping that soon when he had the courage to clear things out, we’d live happily ever after.

Big mistake. The moment we began being busy with school, we talked less and less. For months I was wondering how he was doing, and why hadn’t he dropped by to give me the usual pasalubong? I wanted to call him and ask him to play billiards again, or watch a movie again. But I was too afraid that he might just turn me down. Too proud that if he didn’t have the nerve to give me a ring, why should I?

Everything went back to normal, I stayed late staring at the computer, browsing and checking mails, this time – alone. I went to school, did my homework, and went to bed ready for the next day with the same routine. All the fun I had spent with him seemed to have happened centuries ago. All I could do was hope that as the term ended, he would just pop again from nowhere with that incredibly friendly smile, then everything would be just the same.

But it didn’t. The next thing I knew, he was involved with somebody else. I refused to believe he loved her. I couldn’t picture him doin exactly the same stuffs he used to do for me. I was devastated that I had to spend my 3 am’s cleaning my entire room, taking care of my roommate who got drunk, instead of me.

D’Sound became my best friend. They seemed to narrate my story on purpose. Yeah, I had to wallow myself in tears, and did the pathetic things a crushed girl does. I did keep everything in a box – all the pictures, candy wrappers, tissue papers, movie tickets, roses, CDs – everything! Wishing that the pain could be locked inside together with his memories.

Years passed. We both graduated from college and still never spoke about us. We had a few chances to hang out with all our other friends, and still, nobody dared to ask a single question. I could feel the gap, the invisible wall that separated us. We would casually talk, and laugh about crazy stuffs, but we could feel that it wasn’t the same anymore, and I thought I was already numb of the pain.

Instantly, after all those years, I almost forgot about him. I had learned to move on and think of our story as something that was never real. But I knew one way or another, we would have our own closure.

Unexpectedly, just like the old times, he popped from nowhere smiling to me like he used to. Surprisingly, he seemed to have gathered all the courage he lacked a long time ago. As if he suddenly wanted to fix things that he long left hanging.
We talked. The first time we ever did. I didn’t bother asking why just now. I didn’t care what made him suddenly talk about something I thought didn’t matter anymore. Coz somehow I knew, it was something I had been waiting for. What I ought to find out was something I believed would make a difference to the entire story. Just to find myself still feeling empty.

Not a word from him made sense at all. Questions were unnecessary, coz suddenly all the explanations of what went wrong seemed to be pointless. Nobody was to blame why we ended up not with each other. It’s really true that pain does fade, as well as, maybe…love. Coz the words I love you should’ve been said a long time ago to make sense.

We hugged and said our final goodbyes. After all those years, finally, the story was over. He had to go back to his loving girlfriend who could’ve been me if we had the guts to admit the feelings we tried to bury for so long… It was too late.
Tattooed on My Mind

Maybe you’ll soon forget about all
Or maybe you’ll miss it like I do
One thing’s for sure, I’m all knocked out
Spent too much time thinking of you
And I can’t get you out of my dreams
Now I know that you’re of dangerous kind
And your smile is tattooed on my mind
And I can’t get you out my dreams
Don’t wanna write
I don’t wanna call
I would not know what to say
It should be you
That’s how I want it to be
Tell me you feel the same way
Yesterday I was feeling sad
All I do today is tryin’ to be brave
And no melody can seem to soothe my mind
And now I curse you for being so sweet and so kind

Nyahahaha, corny!!! Nyaaakkkk! =)