Thursday, October 21, 2010


I heard it again. Then I knew I made the right decision.

I can't lie.

It's not that I haven't done it in my entire life. I'm just not very good at it. You won't miss it if I try to lie. I fidget. I can't fix my gaze. I stammer. It feels terribly wrong. It's awful.

I don't want to hear any lie either. It gives me a very uneasy feeling. It makes me quiver. It makes me doubt. It makes me question. If you can lie on small stuff, who knows what else you can lie about. It is a test of character. Of what truly is inside. Are you genuine? Or is it just another lie?

We can lie about a whole lot of things. From what we are doing to what we are feeling to who we really are. When we get used to a lie, it flows out of our lips so naturally that even ourselves believe it's true. When we rehearse it, it becomes a part of us in an intrinsic kind of way. It somehow becomes our reality.

And that's dangerous. It is when our hearts become calloused. We become oblivious of the gravity of it. It can lead us to its depths without us even knowing. We'll just wake up one day surprised at how far that tiny lie had led us. And we cannot even distinguish the truth from the lie anymore. It's that subtle. It's that dangerous.

Life lived in lie is a waste. It's pitiful. Because even when we're alone, we still try to make ourselves believe that lie. It might work for a while. We might think we are doing just fine, until such time that we suffer the consequences of being in bondage of that lie.

So we then try to figure out where it all started, but we just cannot trace it back. And we find ourselves wanting to get out of it, but we're stuck. Confused. Helpless. Perhaps sorry.

Because we thought all along that nobody sees what's in our hearts. That at the end of it all, we can still come out clean. But the truth is someone sees what's in our hearts. We can try to lie to the world, even to ourselves, but never to him. It is said that nothing concealed will forever be hidden. Everything has its own appointed time. And it will make itself known. No more hiding. No more pretense. No more lies.

And we think: If I can just turn back the time...

But we can't. We are doomed.

But just when we thought it's too late for us to repair the damage and to start all over again; just when we thought that the life we lived in that lie has consumed us, there remains a truth that could set us free. A truth that never changes. That we are loved by God and he has blotted all our transgressions. We can be free. He comes knocking at our hearts desiring to replace the lies by the truth of his love. And it's up to us if we would open our hearts for him.

He offers truth. He offers freedom. He offers life.

Oh by the way, I lied. After all, we're not doomed. And we can still come out clean. All because of him. =)

I heard it again. Then I knew I made the right choice.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Oh, How I Hate Alcohol!

Today, I cannot be more enthusiastic in expressing my opinion about drinking. Once in my principle-distorted life, I agreed with maybe 95% of the world population. That drinking is okay. Occasional or even hardcore drinking, I didn't really mind.

I, too, was a heavy drinker during that PDL (principle-distorted life) of mine. If I were to drink, my principle was I better get really drunk! What is the point of drinking if you're not gonna get yourself drunk? Told ya, the principle was distorted. But when I finally found a life I've never never even thought I wanted, I never had the slightest thought of going back.

Now I see people, even those close to my heart, when they drink and man, I begin to think- was I really like this before? It.was.detestable. I see no sense talking with a drunk person. It's a total waste of time. Totally pointless. It's like you're throwing your words in the air and you're just getting incoherent responses or maybe an annoying giggle. Or maybe a hiccup! And you're seeing the person waving his hand in the air shooing something isn't there trying to make a point that is even irrelevant! Oh, and they get into arguments. Absolutely senseless that fights of 4-year olds seem to have more sense!

It is annoying. But then I am the sane one. I get to control myself. After a few moments of trying to knock the person off in my head to stop him from blabbering all those nonsense talks, compassion sets in. He is not the one speaking. He isn't in control of himself. He is paralyzed by the alcohol and alcohol is the one taking over his body. His mind.

Now that's sad. Instead of hating the person, I feel compassion. Isn't it sad for a person to allow something take over his whole being and let it live in him that he just loses himself into total wastedness? (If there is such a term.)

I once allowed this thing take control of me. Like everybody else, I was blinded by the feeling it brought me- boldness to do something I normally can't do, adequacy in making a stand even in the most foolish point of discussion, portraying a tough image, or merely just the sense that I belong. Yeah, those were just some of the real reasons. Does any of it make sense?

Right now, it's too easy to see the picture clearly. I was purchased from that kind of perspective. And I'm grateful that what I decided to take over me is not something that would lead me to foolishness, but to a life that is full. A life that is secure. It's like you don't need to get the kind of high alcohol gives in order to feel alive. And brave. And capable. The alcohol doesn't give you that. It never can. You cannot hide behind the arrogance of alcohol to cover who you are. Coz at the end of the day, when you already are sober, you're still you- afraid, insecure, broken.

But the good news is, God has loved you despite your imperfections. Despite your flaws. But you won't experience that liberating love when you're drunk. Only in act of acceptance that you are not the god of your life can you allow his grace to cover you. Only in act of surrender will you experience that God is more than capable and willing to give you a life that you never thought possible. A life backed with a huge God you can be confident with. It's only a matter of choice.

The hollowness, the insecurities, the hiding can come to an end. And it's alcohol-free!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

No More Repeats

I found myself in a very familiar situation. It was as if I were transported back in time. And I couldn't believe it's happening again. The only difference is I'm wiser now. At least that's what I'd like to believe. If I weren't I wouldn't be able to realize that I'm heading to that same direction, right?

Which reminds me of a proverb that was very well explained by Andy Stanley. Well enough that it's been popping in my head when I'm in the middle of crossroads. "The prudent see danger and seek refuge, while the simple keep going and suffer for it."

You bet there's a loud red alert signal that I could see right now. Must've been there for a while, but it's only now that I really paid attention. It was almost audible I can no longer pretend to miss it.

Now the question: What would my next move make me? Prudent or simple? Will I keep going or will I seek refuge?

I cannot suffer any more for my unwise decisions. I cannot allow any more repeats. I've been taught too much. Been under a lot of test. Who wants to repeat? Not me...

Sept. 27. Psalm 1. What a great reminder to focus my eyes and delight in God. Heart check: Where is my strength? To whom do I run to for security? For protection? To whom have I entrusted the key to my heart? Ah, you won't believe how God has intervened! My heart has gone a total U-turn!

God must have been really busy teaching me. Can't say I'm the perfect student for that matter, but yeah, I am getting this now. What a long ride it has been. Really tough one, huh. I haven't graduated yet, but hey I'm not stagnating as well. And I'm not settling until He has corrected, purified and renewed every single detail my heart has to cry out to Him.