Spared

The second set.

Maybe I wasn't ready for that big blow. But I was spared from the drama of going through it. Some might say it was just a device failure. Or plain stupidity on my part, yet with spiritual eyes I smiled knowing God wouldn't want me to delay. So even with the right press of buttons, I knew it must've been Him who hasten the process. Funny and stunning. He can even work that way?

I had to restart my phone, mind you. And when I finally saw that it was all gone, totally, I just sighed. Oh, you're just making it all sound so big a deal, you might say. I wish I were just talking about messages so I could agree with you.

But you know what I got to understand and still trying to understand? The word surrender isn't a one time thing. I didn't lift it all to Him who knows what's best in one night and ended up problem-free! I guess now my pace of coping is no longer enough. God must have been that patient with me and my seemingly endless walking in circles. He had allowed me up to this point that I had to be pushed already.

Man, I don't wanna be pushed any harder than this. I have decided, I have resolved to wait upon you Lord (as the song goes). I could still be more willing, but the amount I need right now should be just enough.

It all started with messages. Who knows what I will need to give up next. In any case, God's grace is sufficient in each phase. And I choose to trust Him.

Messages Deleted 100%.

Should be a good news. I'm trying to look at it that way. I really am. But even if I still can't, I am already here. I can't back off now and I am called, if not really pushed, to move forward.

So moving forward I will do.

Messages Deleted

50 messages? I'm not sure. I lost count already.

I just felt the need to do some urgent clean-up drive. The messages were occupying a huge space in my device memory and also in some part of my human memory I would have rather purged early on.

Was that brave or what? I think that was wise.

I needed to do that to give enough space for something new that would come. Something that deserves to take the space. The unnecessary ones need to go.

But until it's clear and certain that it's the one to stay; until the untimely become just right on time; until it's just right, I will keep on deleting.

Messages Deleted.

Whew.

An Empty Message

Taking exams. When can I ever overcome my fear from it? Don't blame me. I have failed the most important exams in my life, if not all. I failed my college entrance exams. All universities. I failed the first and supposedly easiest part of my first job entrance exam and got kicked out of the room while the other stayed to the take the next part!

Imagine how traumatic that can be! I spent significant amount of time doubting whether I was really good enough. I was humiliated. My pride wounded.

Fortunately, that was the story of the past.

Failures always get me challenged. After failing all those exams, I said: I would avenge myself. I will prove to the whole world that I was not created to fail.

As determined as I was to redeem myself, I passed the exams the second time around. All of it. Take that huh! (Me talking to the universities who once rejected me.)

The greatest news of today: another job entrance from a company I once dreamed working for, and I PASSED! I was literally smiling the entire time since I got the letter with the word CONGRATULATIONS in it, in all caps and bold letters! I could've welcomed any stranger who would talk to me while I was walking with that huge grin in my face I just couldn't wipe off.

I excitedly sent my dad a message telling him the good news. Not that I expected a reply. It was just my way of somehow reaching out to him and if in any way it could change his mindset of how a proud daughter I am.

So anyway, I was surprised when my phone beeped and I got a reply from him. Only it was an empty message.

I almost laughed. My dad has a new phone and he must have pressed some wrong keys here and there. Knowing my dad, he had no intention of replying. Who knows, maybe he was even trying to press the delete button!

In any case, I was still delighted. I knew he got my message.

Soon, I'm hoping to get not just an empty message. Maybe something that says he's proud of me.

There's nothing wrong with holding on to a promise of reconciliation. =)

An Absurd Thought About Ashley

I've heard it many times. I've cried over Ashley's story again and again. How can one person who "had life for the first time in her 22 years" just died after 4 months of finding that life? But then there's always a reason for everything, right? Ashley had been an inspiration to the entire world in just a matter of four months. Maybe that's her purpose. Or that it is the way to get her dad to know the Truth. Those are pretty good reasons. And I don't discount the fact that as short as her life may have been, it really made an impact even to those people who didn't even know her. We may speculate other reasons, but then again nobody can really tell. One day, I'll ask God about it.

So now I'm talking about life's purpose and death.

Sometimes I wonder if God would allow me to not wake up the next morning. How would that affect the world? Would God use my death to shout his glory as well? Maybe to get to touch the heart of my dad too? Would my reason for existence be to dramatically change the world by my death?

Haha. I can almost hear God say "What on earth are you thinking about?"

There's a lot of work to do! Nations to reach. Eyes to be opened. Lives to be changed. And I believe that my living could do a lot more than me being inside a casket right away. And I am excited to do the work! I'm excited about how God will reveal before my very eyes the benefits of working with him...alive.

Ashley's story is just one of a kind. And I just wonder about death sometimes. That's all. *wink*

The Nod

He's been giving me the same nod for a few months now. Every time I'd invite him for lunch or dinner, or even when I'm just saying goodbye as I leave the house.

Yesterday, I opened my mouth for some words again- "I'm leaving." He was talking to someone over the phone and gave me like a 3-second look and nodded. Phew. Not that I expected something more than that. It took me 30 minutes or so just to get the courage to say goodbye. At least I got some form of acknowledgment ;)

This season's gonna be tougher than I expected. I still get a feeling of uncertainty once in a while, but I found a secret to overcome that! Fixing on a promise that's certain. A promise that never changes. A love that stands firm. And I believe soon, I'll be getting more than just a nod from my dad. Who knows, maybe a hug? =)