Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Why Won't You Choose Me?

When God Speaks (3)

1 message received. I replied.
22 new notifications. I checked.
Lee singing The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkle. I watched AI. With full concentration.
“Paaanchiii” said my niece. (She was calling out her own name: Francis) I played with her.
Silence deafening. I turned my Ipod on.

I almost fell asleep.
I almost cried.
For the nth time.
Then he said,
I’m just here.
Why won’t you tell me?
Why won’t you cry to me?

Why won’t you choose me?

There are moments in our life when we turn to a lot of things when we’re dealing with frustrations or pain. We keep ourselves occupied. Everything is just one click away. Everyone is just one tweet away.

And we indulge.

We talk even to ourselves. Yes, ourselves. Reasoning out, debating, pity partying. And we’re surprised we get nowhere. No answers. No light at the end of the tunnel.

All along God is just waiting for you to open your heart to him. He’s there. He’s waiting.

Need someone to talk with? Don’t come running to your Facebook account or reach for the remote for your favorite series just yet.

Faced with choices where you can run to, whom you can cry out to, scream at, argue with…

Choose Him.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Lay It Down

I've been lookin' till my eyes are tired of lookin'
Listenin' till my ears are numb from listenin'
Prayin' till my knees are sore from kneelin' on the bedroom floor
I know that you know that my heart is achin'
I'm running out of tears and my will is breakin'
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,
Are slowly slippin' through my folded hands

So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do?
Cause everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down.

I've been walkin' through this world like I'm barely livin'
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been diggin'
But You're pullin' me out
I'm finally breathin' in the open air
This room may be dark but I'm finally seein'
There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believin'
That the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now
Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
Oh what else can I do,
Cause everthing I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down.

by: Jaci Velasquez

This says exactly what I'm going through right now...

Sunday, April 11, 2010

The Big Pic Revisited

I was halfway tearing down my wall when I stopped. I was too tired to carry on, thinking that if I chose to let things be, it will all get clear when the time is right.

For a time, everything was fine. I looked at my wall once in a while and then shrugged.

It’s going to be okay.

And it was... for a little more while.

Then, another nudge.

It was stronger.

Even more painful.

Ugh, when will I ever learn?

But unlike before, I paid attention. I listened. There must be something that I’ve missed. Something that I refused to acknowledge.

And the decision finally set in.

I have to destroy my wall. Not little by little. Not piece by piece. I need to break it down without holding back. Even if each brick that I successfully smashed ripped a part of me.

If it means defenselessness, I am willing to be exposed.

If it means vulnerability, I am willing to be in a weak position.

If it means surrender, then I am willing to give up control.

I am now decided to see the big pic.

And with my broken wall, I am letting go.

Nevertheless, I know I'm not alone.

The Big Pic

Friday, April 9, 2010

This Isn't About Nike

Okay. I have only one pair of rubber shoes, which I bought on sale. If it weren't, I wouldn't have spent a single cent for it. I used it only a couple of times. That was when I was hooked up with trying to allow my lymphatic system work better by playing badminton.

I hate strenuous activities. I hate the gym. I hate running. You'd see me pout if you ask me to walk a few blocks. That's why I don't care having just a pair of rubber shoes.

I hate running. But it's something I'm quite good at. Not that I've won a marathon or something. But if there were such an award for it, I must have had that gold medal by now. Alright. Not that I'm proud of it either.

It's as if I have this personal invisible alarm that goes wild when it sees danger. As I look back, I see how many times I heeded to this alarm and walked away...ran away. And the endings weren't always good. I had to deal with a long process of healing. But come to think of it, most of those wounds are not completely healed yet. They just remain untouched for a while, and the moment my personal invisible alarm sends me that familiar signal again, even the slightest touch open up the old wounds and I can't help but again...run.

And it's just exhausting.

Oh how I wanted to end this blog with that last sentence. But I can't. Not without writing what he told me while I'm occupied by this running thing.

When you run away from something, you have to have something to turn onto. You can't just run away towards nothingness, unless you want to be stuck and lost for the rest of your life.

At some degree, we all do run away. The question is, to where? To whom? Most of the time and even unknowingly, we are desperate to get the security we always need, to get some questions answered, to just rest. But only when we run to an unchanging God and allow his love to carry us through the fears and uncertainties could we ever cross our finish line.

Is it okay to run away? Maybe. As long as we're heading to the right direction.