I've heard it many times. I've cried over Ashley's story again and again. How can one person who "had life for the first time in her 22 years" just died after 4 months of finding that life? But then there's always a reason for everything, right? Ashley had been an inspiration to the entire world in just a matter of four months. Maybe that's her purpose. Or that it is the way to get her dad to know the Truth. Those are pretty good reasons. And I don't discount the fact that as short as her life may have been, it really made an impact even to those people who didn't even know her. We may speculate other reasons, but then again nobody can really tell. One day, I'll ask God about it.
So now I'm talking about life's purpose and death.
Sometimes I wonder if God would allow me to not wake up the next morning. How would that affect the world? Would God use my death to shout his glory as well? Maybe to get to touch the heart of my dad too? Would my reason for existence be to dramatically change the world by my death?
Haha. I can almost hear God say "What on earth are you thinking about?"
There's a lot of work to do! Nations to reach. Eyes to be opened. Lives to be changed. And I believe that my living could do a lot more than me being inside a casket right away. And I am excited to do the work! I'm excited about how God will reveal before my very eyes the benefits of working with him...alive.
Ashley's story is just one of a kind. And I just wonder about death sometimes. That's all. *wink*
Showing posts with label life purpose. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life purpose. Show all posts
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Caving In
Faced with uncertainty, fear consumes you. When given tough choices, you are confused. When you don't know the answer, you lose confidence. And when you find yourself saying I Don't Know, you are lost. You can’t move. You’re simply frozen. Most often than not, you retreat. You move into your cave of comfort with no one to bother you.
People call you from the outside, throwing in ropes to rescue you and yet you ask, do you want to be rescued? So you move back farther until you hear them no more. And in your solitude you stare at the darkness, praying for even a tiny light.
The wait is hard. Sometimes you feel like giving up and just remain where you are.
Your heart is deceived for a while and as you choose your cave, you limit yourself into the walls of darkness. As you allow yourself to be locked inside your own judgment, you fail to understand the depth of reasons laid before you. As you choose your cave, you miss out the great things that await you if you’ve just had that faith to step out.
If you would just look onto the other side of your cave you will see that tiny, inviting light. If you would just listen intently, the incomprehensible murmurs will turn into clear voice of hope.
It is not meant for you to remain captive of your own idea of life. The vagueness of your perception can be cleared. The confusion in your heart can be set straight. And it is not inside your cave that you will figure things out.
Your plans are outweighed by Someone Else’s whose design is far greater than you can imagine. If you would just let Him lead you out of your cave, your uncertainties will be replaced by definiteness. If you would just pay attention to his voice, you won't miss him saying "I will never leave you."
But inside your cave? You will never know the greater purpose you are intended for.
Experience God's amazing plans in your life. Step out of your cave!
People call you from the outside, throwing in ropes to rescue you and yet you ask, do you want to be rescued? So you move back farther until you hear them no more. And in your solitude you stare at the darkness, praying for even a tiny light.
The wait is hard. Sometimes you feel like giving up and just remain where you are.
Your heart is deceived for a while and as you choose your cave, you limit yourself into the walls of darkness. As you allow yourself to be locked inside your own judgment, you fail to understand the depth of reasons laid before you. As you choose your cave, you miss out the great things that await you if you’ve just had that faith to step out.
If you would just look onto the other side of your cave you will see that tiny, inviting light. If you would just listen intently, the incomprehensible murmurs will turn into clear voice of hope.
It is not meant for you to remain captive of your own idea of life. The vagueness of your perception can be cleared. The confusion in your heart can be set straight. And it is not inside your cave that you will figure things out.
Your plans are outweighed by Someone Else’s whose design is far greater than you can imagine. If you would just let Him lead you out of your cave, your uncertainties will be replaced by definiteness. If you would just pay attention to his voice, you won't miss him saying "I will never leave you."
But inside your cave? You will never know the greater purpose you are intended for.
Experience God's amazing plans in your life. Step out of your cave!
Monday, July 6, 2009
The Crossroad
In the middle of crossroads you stand
Been wandering in circles, do you still run?
Left or right, you remain confused
Which way to go, you need to choose.
Your heart’s desire, just a step away
But do you go for it, or do you stay?
Swayed by uncertainty, but it’s what you want
You want to grab it now, but you just can’t.
Arms stretched, you try to reach
You try to move forward inch by inch
Is it for you, you stop and doubt
Do you pursue north or do you head back south?
Looking behind, do you go back?
Do you close your eyes and try your luck?
Listening intently, seeking for the Voice
Please help me, you say, I need to make a choice.
Standing unmoved, you look at the road
Trying to discern answers yet untold
Wind is blowing, your name they call
But grounded you stay, determined not to fall.
The end of the road, you still don’t see
Helpless inside, what’s your destiny
As you stand there, you patiently wait
The road may be unknown… but take it to your faith.
Been wandering in circles, do you still run?
Left or right, you remain confused
Which way to go, you need to choose.
Your heart’s desire, just a step away
But do you go for it, or do you stay?
Swayed by uncertainty, but it’s what you want
You want to grab it now, but you just can’t.
Arms stretched, you try to reach
You try to move forward inch by inch
Is it for you, you stop and doubt
Do you pursue north or do you head back south?
Looking behind, do you go back?
Do you close your eyes and try your luck?
Listening intently, seeking for the Voice
Please help me, you say, I need to make a choice.
Standing unmoved, you look at the road
Trying to discern answers yet untold
Wind is blowing, your name they call
But grounded you stay, determined not to fall.
The end of the road, you still don’t see
Helpless inside, what’s your destiny
As you stand there, you patiently wait
The road may be unknown… but take it to your faith.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
When it isn't about you this time
Who isn't thinking of becoming successful, being happy or getting the best in this life?
Do we not wake up in the morning preoccupied on running our life and making the most of it?
Do we not sometimes look at people thinking what can we possibly get from this person? Is he an asset or liability to my race?
Or even as we walk the streets, do we not think that all eyes are on us and we're being watched by the world?
Do we not want to get recognition for every little thing that we do? Do we not mimic a child saying "hey dad! watch me! watch what i can do!"
Talk about being self-absorbed.
We are so consumed by ourselves that we sometimes think that the world has to stop and care for us, to listen and give us what we want.
Do we not like those people or guys (he he sorry) who just love to talk about their curriculum vitae and enumerate all their accomplishments, then give you 5 seconds to comment an "ah" or "ok" or maybe applaud? then continue rambling?
The 'me-attitude' is always not the best option.
In life, I think the more we focus on ourselves, the more we find that too much is lacking. Sometimes, when we shift our focus from ourselves, to what we can do for others, it's where we find true fulfillment.
I've read a book once saying our own comfort comes when we give comfort to others. Financial sufficiency comes from sparing some of our own for others. It's hard to understand but it works.
Most of the time, there are far greater things in this world than our own. And since we are concentrated with our own little world, we neglect to recognize our responsibility with other people and yes I believe we have.
Sometimes, it isn't just about us anymore.
Do we not wake up in the morning preoccupied on running our life and making the most of it?
Do we not sometimes look at people thinking what can we possibly get from this person? Is he an asset or liability to my race?
Or even as we walk the streets, do we not think that all eyes are on us and we're being watched by the world?
Do we not want to get recognition for every little thing that we do? Do we not mimic a child saying "hey dad! watch me! watch what i can do!"
Talk about being self-absorbed.
We are so consumed by ourselves that we sometimes think that the world has to stop and care for us, to listen and give us what we want.
Do we not like those people or guys (he he sorry) who just love to talk about their curriculum vitae and enumerate all their accomplishments, then give you 5 seconds to comment an "ah" or "ok" or maybe applaud? then continue rambling?
The 'me-attitude' is always not the best option.
In life, I think the more we focus on ourselves, the more we find that too much is lacking. Sometimes, when we shift our focus from ourselves, to what we can do for others, it's where we find true fulfillment.
I've read a book once saying our own comfort comes when we give comfort to others. Financial sufficiency comes from sparing some of our own for others. It's hard to understand but it works.
Most of the time, there are far greater things in this world than our own. And since we are concentrated with our own little world, we neglect to recognize our responsibility with other people and yes I believe we have.
Sometimes, it isn't just about us anymore.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
The Answer
It was a difficult day.
The Questions:
Her phone alarmed at 6:05am. She automatically turned it off, and curled underneath her blanket. Another day, she thought. Only if she could make up excuses for not going to work, she would’ve probably slept the whole day. But she knew she had to get up and drag herself to shower. Can it be like this forever?
Almost 10 hours of the day, she had to deal with her job, which failed to engross her lately. She had to tire out herself “finding money,” as she put it. She knew sales was not her forte. Dealing with tough clients wasn’t already interesting, but draining. She tried to search for the enthusiasm she once had. Is this the career path she had in mind?
At home, she hardly saw her dad. They hadn’t talked for nearly 3 months. Not about work, not about what’s happening, not about anything at all. Where did her control-freak dad go?
She remembered how angry he was for not being able to impose what he wanted in her life. And she, herself, got mad at him for not accepting that not everything in her life could be manipulated by his plans, or at least what he believed was right for her. And they argued for 3 minutes or so, and fell silent for 3 months. Why can’t he understand?
She had remaining 3 to 4 hours before she would go back to bed. She had a few options on how to spend ‘em.
Watch TV. Maybe Tyra would feature some anorexic 5’11” women wanting to be 80lbs. Then she’d feel some people were more ridiculous than her. Can’t people find any contentment at all?
Chat with friends. That would divert her spotlight away from her own self. Would they have any other interesting things to say? Or would they be sensitive enough to hear what she had to say?
Dinner. She’d still have to figure out if this would add up to the free radicals in her body or if her liver won’t be overloaded. Is this healthy or toxic?
Read. She got all those halfway-read newly-purchased books piled up on her nightstand waiting for her to start living with the principles of maximizing time, heading towards success, and unleashing innermost capabilities. Yeah, the ideas were great. But why don’t they suffice?
She had the usual questions a normal 23-year old would have. (That’s insanity aside.) Life starts to become a burden, not an enjoyable thing. A day passes without any difference from the previous day and a voice within her keeps on whispering that life couldn’t be just like that. Living is supposed to be a short, yet exciting and wonderful experience you can’t wait to taste; not a dreadful, boring journey on a tunnel wherein seeing the end of it is your only goal.
She satisfied herself with a book that had been with her for months but she felt too exhausted to even consider opening. It struck her with its promises to answer life’s toughest questions. Really, huh? Now there’s such a thing as a universal answer to all the questions she had in mind. Intrigued, she leafed through it.
Upon recovery from the state of shock after reading, the reality flashed to her as if wondering why she was surprised with the answer she got. She had always tried to find some meaning in her life and a sense of purpose for her existence but instead she found herself facing the same “difficult days”, doing the same things. Little did she know that all this time, she got it all wrong.
The Answer
There’s a huge difference between existing and actually living. To exist is to breathe, to move even the most futile movement, and to be able to stay alive, even if it meant a machine is keeping your vital organs at work. To exist is to drift in this world with no purpose.
On the contrary, to live is to understand that you are tailored to a more meaningful existence. It is knowing what makes you special and what you’re supposed to do to make use of the gifts given to you.
To live is not self-serving. You may have acquired all the riches in the world, won all the trophies of success and yet come home after the most victorious event feeling empty, alone, and strangely senseless.
If you cease to find the purpose of your existence, you cease to exist. Like a wave just going with the flow of others, not knowing its destiny, it seems that it’s meant to only crash in the shore. But the truth is, even how long the journey is and how hard the crash must be, even a tiny wave it is, it’s designed to still go back to the where it belongs – the ocean.
How then do you define the answers to all these seemingly endless questions on the depth of life’s meaning?
She had kept herself captive of doubts and weariness with her life. She’d been trying to figure out if she’s only meant to crash in the shore. But then it struck her that she’d been searching on the wrong places.
Is she meant to crash in the shore, she wondered. And the answer shone on her like the sun’s rays in the morning sky. She is designed to go back to where she belongs. She is destined to carry out the master plan of the one who made her.
When you remember where you came from, it is easier for you to figure out where you’re heading. When you understand that you’re not just a single wave, but a part of the bigger ocean, it is already laid out to you what you need to prioritize. When you realize that you are not the steward of your own life, but mere clay molded by the Potter’s hand, it is natural for you to let go and allow the Maker to take control of your steering wheel.
Most of the time we trouble ourselves with every detail in our life, believing that they are the truly essential things that would keep us going- dreams, security, stability, health, relationships. But the question remained, to keep us going where? Is fulfilling a dream the end goal? Would having uncountable wealth satisfy our deepest longing? Would living up to a hundred years make us feel we have made sense on earth?
Only through the proper perspective in life we can truly decode what it is to live. And the perspective does not come from our own expertise; rather it comes from the wisdom of the Most High who is all-knowing. We keep our eyes on what’s material, on what’s physical, but He knows what is truly essential, what is eternal. If we know how to align the journey of our life with His master plan, the drifting comes to an end, and the living begins.
Searching for His ultimate plan for us is not simple and instant, though. It is not as if you’d stare up in the sky and the answer will just reveal itself to you. It takes conscious diligence and loads of grace from God to uncover the answer. It may take a lifetime search, but it’s the kind of quest that’s worth taking. Rather than journeying alone and clueless, it is more reassuring to go through this life knowing that the hand of the Father is with us, directing us which path to take.
When we allow God’s hand to lead us, dealing with difficulties on our jobs becomes a tiny hump in the road that won’t keep us off-track. When we allow God to guide us, misunderstanding and pains in our relationships will be washed away by His immeasurable love and compassion. Nothing in our life is too trivial for Him, for He knows every detail in our life. He knows us more than we know ourselves. So if we feel lost and wonder what living is all about, try to search for Him, and you’re going to get the most wonderful answer there is.
The Questions:
Her phone alarmed at 6:05am. She automatically turned it off, and curled underneath her blanket. Another day, she thought. Only if she could make up excuses for not going to work, she would’ve probably slept the whole day. But she knew she had to get up and drag herself to shower. Can it be like this forever?
Almost 10 hours of the day, she had to deal with her job, which failed to engross her lately. She had to tire out herself “finding money,” as she put it. She knew sales was not her forte. Dealing with tough clients wasn’t already interesting, but draining. She tried to search for the enthusiasm she once had. Is this the career path she had in mind?
At home, she hardly saw her dad. They hadn’t talked for nearly 3 months. Not about work, not about what’s happening, not about anything at all. Where did her control-freak dad go?
She remembered how angry he was for not being able to impose what he wanted in her life. And she, herself, got mad at him for not accepting that not everything in her life could be manipulated by his plans, or at least what he believed was right for her. And they argued for 3 minutes or so, and fell silent for 3 months. Why can’t he understand?
She had remaining 3 to 4 hours before she would go back to bed. She had a few options on how to spend ‘em.
Watch TV. Maybe Tyra would feature some anorexic 5’11” women wanting to be 80lbs. Then she’d feel some people were more ridiculous than her. Can’t people find any contentment at all?
Chat with friends. That would divert her spotlight away from her own self. Would they have any other interesting things to say? Or would they be sensitive enough to hear what she had to say?
Dinner. She’d still have to figure out if this would add up to the free radicals in her body or if her liver won’t be overloaded. Is this healthy or toxic?
Read. She got all those halfway-read newly-purchased books piled up on her nightstand waiting for her to start living with the principles of maximizing time, heading towards success, and unleashing innermost capabilities. Yeah, the ideas were great. But why don’t they suffice?
She had the usual questions a normal 23-year old would have. (That’s insanity aside.) Life starts to become a burden, not an enjoyable thing. A day passes without any difference from the previous day and a voice within her keeps on whispering that life couldn’t be just like that. Living is supposed to be a short, yet exciting and wonderful experience you can’t wait to taste; not a dreadful, boring journey on a tunnel wherein seeing the end of it is your only goal.
She satisfied herself with a book that had been with her for months but she felt too exhausted to even consider opening. It struck her with its promises to answer life’s toughest questions. Really, huh? Now there’s such a thing as a universal answer to all the questions she had in mind. Intrigued, she leafed through it.
Upon recovery from the state of shock after reading, the reality flashed to her as if wondering why she was surprised with the answer she got. She had always tried to find some meaning in her life and a sense of purpose for her existence but instead she found herself facing the same “difficult days”, doing the same things. Little did she know that all this time, she got it all wrong.
The Answer
There’s a huge difference between existing and actually living. To exist is to breathe, to move even the most futile movement, and to be able to stay alive, even if it meant a machine is keeping your vital organs at work. To exist is to drift in this world with no purpose.
On the contrary, to live is to understand that you are tailored to a more meaningful existence. It is knowing what makes you special and what you’re supposed to do to make use of the gifts given to you.
To live is not self-serving. You may have acquired all the riches in the world, won all the trophies of success and yet come home after the most victorious event feeling empty, alone, and strangely senseless.
If you cease to find the purpose of your existence, you cease to exist. Like a wave just going with the flow of others, not knowing its destiny, it seems that it’s meant to only crash in the shore. But the truth is, even how long the journey is and how hard the crash must be, even a tiny wave it is, it’s designed to still go back to the where it belongs – the ocean.
How then do you define the answers to all these seemingly endless questions on the depth of life’s meaning?
She had kept herself captive of doubts and weariness with her life. She’d been trying to figure out if she’s only meant to crash in the shore. But then it struck her that she’d been searching on the wrong places.
Is she meant to crash in the shore, she wondered. And the answer shone on her like the sun’s rays in the morning sky. She is designed to go back to where she belongs. She is destined to carry out the master plan of the one who made her.
When you remember where you came from, it is easier for you to figure out where you’re heading. When you understand that you’re not just a single wave, but a part of the bigger ocean, it is already laid out to you what you need to prioritize. When you realize that you are not the steward of your own life, but mere clay molded by the Potter’s hand, it is natural for you to let go and allow the Maker to take control of your steering wheel.
Most of the time we trouble ourselves with every detail in our life, believing that they are the truly essential things that would keep us going- dreams, security, stability, health, relationships. But the question remained, to keep us going where? Is fulfilling a dream the end goal? Would having uncountable wealth satisfy our deepest longing? Would living up to a hundred years make us feel we have made sense on earth?
Only through the proper perspective in life we can truly decode what it is to live. And the perspective does not come from our own expertise; rather it comes from the wisdom of the Most High who is all-knowing. We keep our eyes on what’s material, on what’s physical, but He knows what is truly essential, what is eternal. If we know how to align the journey of our life with His master plan, the drifting comes to an end, and the living begins.
Searching for His ultimate plan for us is not simple and instant, though. It is not as if you’d stare up in the sky and the answer will just reveal itself to you. It takes conscious diligence and loads of grace from God to uncover the answer. It may take a lifetime search, but it’s the kind of quest that’s worth taking. Rather than journeying alone and clueless, it is more reassuring to go through this life knowing that the hand of the Father is with us, directing us which path to take.
When we allow God’s hand to lead us, dealing with difficulties on our jobs becomes a tiny hump in the road that won’t keep us off-track. When we allow God to guide us, misunderstanding and pains in our relationships will be washed away by His immeasurable love and compassion. Nothing in our life is too trivial for Him, for He knows every detail in our life. He knows us more than we know ourselves. So if we feel lost and wonder what living is all about, try to search for Him, and you’re going to get the most wonderful answer there is.
Friday, March 23, 2007
I'm Insane
(Yeah, this may be a weird way of starting a new blog)
I stared at the ceiling of the small corner of my room one Sunday evening after a long day of being with friends and being alone all at the same time. I noticed the shadow on one of the glow-in-the-dark stickers near the fluorescent light, which led me to the thought: an object’s shadow is formed when the object blocks the light. And even if I dig deeper on how else can it possibly have a mark in my life, there’s just nothing more to it. Nothing more to ponder on. It’s just how you define a shadow. And some things just remain as they are.
I laughed at myself. Isn’t it funny how you get all these crazy ideas right after indulging yourself in a separate world of your own? At this very minute, I’m even having second thoughts with all these things going through my mind, but when I look closely, what the heck. I don’t need to explain my thoughts, more so myself to anyone.
Don’t we experience, at some point in our life, a certain degree of absurdity? Those who are insane enough are the ones who bravely face their insanity by contradicting what the society dictates them to do. And most of us, even with the continuous battle of sanity and madness within us, choose to live by the standards than be labeled “insane.”
Yeah, I am really caught up with this book that made me consciously think about crazy stuffs, and once and for all, realize that I had been insane, but refused to acknowledge that fact because of fear of what others might think of me.
So there’s the culprit: fear and vanity. I had been constantly reviewing my existence and life in its profound meaning. Some may immediately blurt out: that it in itself is crazy. Why waste time on useless thoughts? I can just accept things as they are. Why do I have to look at details so closely? Why can’t I just let things be? Should there always be a reason for everything? A hidden meaning for all that’s happening? And I never dared to open up to anyone just because I don’t want them to think that I’m not like them. And the sense of being the same with all others, the sense of belonging has got its place in the hierarchy of human’s needs, right Freud?
I’ve heard countless remarks to not overthink things, to do something more productive, to just live. And what exactly do we mean by living? We spend 20 or so years of our life studying math, science, literature and much of it are not even valuable to us right now, except for some conversations that would make us feel we’re smart enough to know all these stuffs. And why did we have to study all the way to college and get a degree? Coz that’s what everybody else does. Unless we get to college and graduate from a good university, we’re gonna be left behind. And so we did as what we were told to do. Then what? We fill ourselves with enthusiasm on the next chapter of our life – not having to seek support from our parents (financially, I mean), and be individuals of our own, earning our own money, preferably living on our own, doing things that pleasure us.
And in that stage, most people tend to get lost. We hear lots of people complaining how each day passes exactly the same way as the other. People drag themselves to work, because they have bills to pay, groceries to do, or children to send to the same prestigious schools.
Then we begin to think, is this all there is? Is life merely about breathing, getting up everyday doing the same thing, fulfilling responsibilities, building a dream and then accomplishing it?
I take time planning almost everything. I love the idea of doing things. I get pleasure in anticipating something to happen. That’s what keeps me going. Sometimes, plans do happen. And the feeling is just rewarding. But now that nearly everything has been laid upon me, there’s nothing more to wait for. Nothing more to be thrilled about. The waiting for the graduation, complete with hearing your name with some latin honors have already passed. No more big day to look forward to, so I make big fuss over little things – waiting for a phone call, anticipating a vacation with a friend, doing endless studies, doing marketing plans. And where will all these things lead me?
I hate being told what to do with my life. But sometimes I tend to just let them take the steering wheel, just to avoid any more arguments. Boy, I hate conflicts. So they tell me to work, I work. They tell me to be responsible and take care of tasks much larger than I think I can handle, I still give it a shot anyhow.
If I suddenly move out of “this life of mine” will people understand? Won’t they think I’m crazy enough to throw away a practically convenient life with nothing else to worry? Won’t they think I’m stupid to search for something else when everything I need is right in front of me? I don’t expect anybody to understand. What do they know? Is everything I need really just at the palm of my hands?
Some things are just nothing more than what they really are. But life is too vast for me to understand by just looking at a glow-in-the-dark sticker at my ceiling. When they tell me to just live, how am I supposed to do that if I’m just getting my light on the fluorescent and the only time I can shine is when the lights are already turned off?
Was I the one talking when I heard there’s nothing more to ponder on while staring at my ceiling? Insanity creeps in and it has found its way to surface!
I stared at the ceiling of the small corner of my room one Sunday evening after a long day of being with friends and being alone all at the same time. I noticed the shadow on one of the glow-in-the-dark stickers near the fluorescent light, which led me to the thought: an object’s shadow is formed when the object blocks the light. And even if I dig deeper on how else can it possibly have a mark in my life, there’s just nothing more to it. Nothing more to ponder on. It’s just how you define a shadow. And some things just remain as they are.
I laughed at myself. Isn’t it funny how you get all these crazy ideas right after indulging yourself in a separate world of your own? At this very minute, I’m even having second thoughts with all these things going through my mind, but when I look closely, what the heck. I don’t need to explain my thoughts, more so myself to anyone.
Don’t we experience, at some point in our life, a certain degree of absurdity? Those who are insane enough are the ones who bravely face their insanity by contradicting what the society dictates them to do. And most of us, even with the continuous battle of sanity and madness within us, choose to live by the standards than be labeled “insane.”
Yeah, I am really caught up with this book that made me consciously think about crazy stuffs, and once and for all, realize that I had been insane, but refused to acknowledge that fact because of fear of what others might think of me.
So there’s the culprit: fear and vanity. I had been constantly reviewing my existence and life in its profound meaning. Some may immediately blurt out: that it in itself is crazy. Why waste time on useless thoughts? I can just accept things as they are. Why do I have to look at details so closely? Why can’t I just let things be? Should there always be a reason for everything? A hidden meaning for all that’s happening? And I never dared to open up to anyone just because I don’t want them to think that I’m not like them. And the sense of being the same with all others, the sense of belonging has got its place in the hierarchy of human’s needs, right Freud?
I’ve heard countless remarks to not overthink things, to do something more productive, to just live. And what exactly do we mean by living? We spend 20 or so years of our life studying math, science, literature and much of it are not even valuable to us right now, except for some conversations that would make us feel we’re smart enough to know all these stuffs. And why did we have to study all the way to college and get a degree? Coz that’s what everybody else does. Unless we get to college and graduate from a good university, we’re gonna be left behind. And so we did as what we were told to do. Then what? We fill ourselves with enthusiasm on the next chapter of our life – not having to seek support from our parents (financially, I mean), and be individuals of our own, earning our own money, preferably living on our own, doing things that pleasure us.
And in that stage, most people tend to get lost. We hear lots of people complaining how each day passes exactly the same way as the other. People drag themselves to work, because they have bills to pay, groceries to do, or children to send to the same prestigious schools.
Then we begin to think, is this all there is? Is life merely about breathing, getting up everyday doing the same thing, fulfilling responsibilities, building a dream and then accomplishing it?
I take time planning almost everything. I love the idea of doing things. I get pleasure in anticipating something to happen. That’s what keeps me going. Sometimes, plans do happen. And the feeling is just rewarding. But now that nearly everything has been laid upon me, there’s nothing more to wait for. Nothing more to be thrilled about. The waiting for the graduation, complete with hearing your name with some latin honors have already passed. No more big day to look forward to, so I make big fuss over little things – waiting for a phone call, anticipating a vacation with a friend, doing endless studies, doing marketing plans. And where will all these things lead me?
I hate being told what to do with my life. But sometimes I tend to just let them take the steering wheel, just to avoid any more arguments. Boy, I hate conflicts. So they tell me to work, I work. They tell me to be responsible and take care of tasks much larger than I think I can handle, I still give it a shot anyhow.
If I suddenly move out of “this life of mine” will people understand? Won’t they think I’m crazy enough to throw away a practically convenient life with nothing else to worry? Won’t they think I’m stupid to search for something else when everything I need is right in front of me? I don’t expect anybody to understand. What do they know? Is everything I need really just at the palm of my hands?
Some things are just nothing more than what they really are. But life is too vast for me to understand by just looking at a glow-in-the-dark sticker at my ceiling. When they tell me to just live, how am I supposed to do that if I’m just getting my light on the fluorescent and the only time I can shine is when the lights are already turned off?
Was I the one talking when I heard there’s nothing more to ponder on while staring at my ceiling? Insanity creeps in and it has found its way to surface!
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