Thursday, June 8, 2006

Could've Been Me (A Story)

(Just trying to be a writer here...)

Sometime in 2003: It was a typical college night with my closest buds. We had our own little worlds in front of computers, waiting to starve. Nothing out of the ordinary. I knew after dinner, I would just go back to dorm, do my homework and go to bed.

Having had enough of emails, mp3s and Orisinal games, I insisted on having a fast dinner so I could go back to dorm. Although I didn’t say a thing, with the devilish smile plastered on their faces, I knew besides dinner, there would be something else.

And there he was! He just popped from nowhere, with that incredibly friendly smile, as if anticipating my bewilderment. He insisted taking all my stuffs placed on the chair beside me, took his seat, and plainly said hello. Right there, I knew, my life would never be the same again.

We became friends… really good friends. We spent most dinners together (at first as a group). Then one strange night before my finals in Taxation, I received a message from him, asking if we could have dinner, just the two of us... I didn’t mind at all, since we’ve been spending most of our time together talking nonstop about anything and everything we could think about. And that night was just the same as the others – lots of fun. Boy, I almost flunked my finals because of that.

Since then, we began to hang out more often. He was the one who hooked me on playing billiards. We watched countless movies together. We always stayed up late at the dorm lobby, with all those ghost stories… I could still hear Manong Guard say “Hoy, gabi na, pasok na sa loob.” Then I’d just laugh about it, knowing that Manong Sungit knew nothing about being in love.

It was fun being with him. He loved doing all those nasty exhibitions, and I’d laugh hard because of his silliness. He never ran out of hilarious stories to tell that never failed me to gasp for air in laughter.

Everybody assumed that we were a couple, or would soon be. Who wouldn’t think so? With all the extra special stuffs he’d been doin for me, I myself was even wondering how to define us…

But neither of us spoke anything about “us”. Nobody even made an attempt to throw a question. I knew he was special, but I never wanted to assume that he felt the same. Even with a smudge of perplexity, I was pretty content with the kind of “friendship” we had, hoping that soon when he had the courage to clear things out, we’d live happily ever after.

Big mistake. The moment we began being busy with school, we talked less and less. For months I was wondering how he was doing, and why hadn’t he dropped by to give me the usual pasalubong? I wanted to call him and ask him to play billiards again, or watch a movie again. But I was too afraid that he might just turn me down. Too proud that if he didn’t have the nerve to give me a ring, why should I?

Everything went back to normal, I stayed late staring at the computer, browsing and checking mails, this time – alone. I went to school, did my homework, and went to bed ready for the next day with the same routine. All the fun I had spent with him seemed to have happened centuries ago. All I could do was hope that as the term ended, he would just pop again from nowhere with that incredibly friendly smile, then everything would be just the same.

But it didn’t. The next thing I knew, he was involved with somebody else. I refused to believe he loved her. I couldn’t picture him doin exactly the same stuffs he used to do for me. I was devastated that I had to spend my 3 am’s cleaning my entire room, taking care of my roommate who got drunk, instead of me.

D’Sound became my best friend. They seemed to narrate my story on purpose. Yeah, I had to wallow myself in tears, and did the pathetic things a crushed girl does. I did keep everything in a box – all the pictures, candy wrappers, tissue papers, movie tickets, roses, CDs – everything! Wishing that the pain could be locked inside together with his memories.

Years passed. We both graduated from college and still never spoke about us. We had a few chances to hang out with all our other friends, and still, nobody dared to ask a single question. I could feel the gap, the invisible wall that separated us. We would casually talk, and laugh about crazy stuffs, but we could feel that it wasn’t the same anymore, and I thought I was already numb of the pain.

Instantly, after all those years, I almost forgot about him. I had learned to move on and think of our story as something that was never real. But I knew one way or another, we would have our own closure.

Unexpectedly, just like the old times, he popped from nowhere smiling to me like he used to. Surprisingly, he seemed to have gathered all the courage he lacked a long time ago. As if he suddenly wanted to fix things that he long left hanging.
We talked. The first time we ever did. I didn’t bother asking why just now. I didn’t care what made him suddenly talk about something I thought didn’t matter anymore. Coz somehow I knew, it was something I had been waiting for. What I ought to find out was something I believed would make a difference to the entire story. Just to find myself still feeling empty.

Not a word from him made sense at all. Questions were unnecessary, coz suddenly all the explanations of what went wrong seemed to be pointless. Nobody was to blame why we ended up not with each other. It’s really true that pain does fade, as well as, maybe…love. Coz the words I love you should’ve been said a long time ago to make sense.

We hugged and said our final goodbyes. After all those years, finally, the story was over. He had to go back to his loving girlfriend who could’ve been me if we had the guts to admit the feelings we tried to bury for so long… It was too late.
Tattooed on My Mind

Maybe you’ll soon forget about all
Or maybe you’ll miss it like I do
One thing’s for sure, I’m all knocked out
Spent too much time thinking of you
And I can’t get you out of my dreams
Now I know that you’re of dangerous kind
And your smile is tattooed on my mind
And I can’t get you out my dreams
Don’t wanna write
I don’t wanna call
I would not know what to say
It should be you
That’s how I want it to be
Tell me you feel the same way
Yesterday I was feeling sad
All I do today is tryin’ to be brave
And no melody can seem to soothe my mind
And now I curse you for being so sweet and so kind

Nyahahaha, corny!!! Nyaaakkkk! =)

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