(This is what I get from looking through old files in my computer before reformatting. ;p)
It was the second time she watched the stars with him while sitting by the beach. She could still recall how she used to love those scenes in movies and she never thought the stars could actually be lovely to stare at. He was just a few inches away from her and it was one of the most amazing, unexplainable feelings there could ever be.
A few years back, the idea of him was real only in romantic novels that she used to read. But he made everything truly like a fairy tale in real life. He had the kindest smile she had ever seen. He had the ability to make her feel like there was nothing more important in the world than to be with her.
He took her to places she had never been before. It was not as if she had never seen trees, and flowers and lakes, but nature seemed lovelier and more perfect with him having to show it to her. He declared her as his inspiration in front of his family, his friends and probably half of the town’s population and she just drowned with so much attention he poured out on her.
By the steadiness of his breath, she knew he was already asleep. As she heard the little waves break into the shore, she stared at him trying to discern something unspoken. She smiled remembering all the good things of the past and she wondered if he somehow thought of it too.
Things were already different. Maybe two years was really long enough to change everything. Even if his mere presence brought back a familiar feeling, and even if he were there right beside her, there was still a strange hollow between them.
Earlier, their friends continued to tease them as if it were a continuation of that special thing they once shared. They sang their old songs and tried to bring back that bond that they lost after so long. It was surreal. It was like one of those fairy tales brought back to life.
She asked herself, was the feeling still there? But until the break of dawn, she was not able to come up with any answer.
He opened his eyes and she realized it was time to go. She smiled at him and felt the awkwardness to say a word. She knew it was time. Because the moment they leave that shore where they watched the stars together, she already felt the coldness of the sand that she will leave behind, together with the new hope that the early morning sky promises.
He stopped the car where she had to take off. He told the others, “Guys, let’s drop Trina off first.” A very fast, deep regret in his face was unmistakable as if he wished to have bitten his tongue at that very moment.
It wasn’t her name.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Sorry Is Just Another Word
Sorry is one of the overused and most abused words. It has become so ordinary that it gets to the ranks of “you know” or “whatever” or “like.” I don’t have anything against these. But it’s, like, you know…it has lost its meaning already or whatever.
We spill a coffee over someone and we say sorry. We don’t get what another person says and we say “I’m sorry?” Often, we choose to let go of words before even thinking about it and hurt other people because we can always resort to saying sorry anyway. People feel more liberty in being unkind or insensitive because they are free to dig in to the unlimited resource of sorry.
Sorry is a feeling of sorrow, regret or grief. It's not something that we take advantage of and excuse our shortcomings with. It's not something that's supposed to come out just to get things over with. I was reminded by someone that sorry is not the end of the discussion, but most of the time, it's where the real talk begins.
Sorry with no heart, no sincerity, is just another word. We cannot say we're sorry and at the same time justify what we do something wrong. We cannot say sorry and have a list of reasons that rationalizes our actions. When we say we're sorry, we simply are.
We spill a coffee over someone and we say sorry. We don’t get what another person says and we say “I’m sorry?” Often, we choose to let go of words before even thinking about it and hurt other people because we can always resort to saying sorry anyway. People feel more liberty in being unkind or insensitive because they are free to dig in to the unlimited resource of sorry.
Sorry is a feeling of sorrow, regret or grief. It's not something that we take advantage of and excuse our shortcomings with. It's not something that's supposed to come out just to get things over with. I was reminded by someone that sorry is not the end of the discussion, but most of the time, it's where the real talk begins.
Sorry with no heart, no sincerity, is just another word. We cannot say we're sorry and at the same time justify what we do something wrong. We cannot say sorry and have a list of reasons that rationalizes our actions. When we say we're sorry, we simply are.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
When Your Feelings Betray You
They say if you don't like the ending, then don't even start thinking about it. The problem is most of the time it is your own feelings that betray you.
One moment you feel that you’ve moved on from a break up, ready to face a whole new world, and then you wake up one day feeling miserable all of a sudden, recalling all the pain you thought were already gone.
You know how it feels to slump back to that dark past but undeniably, stubbornness is the one enemy of all dealing with dilemmas. No matter how you portray that undefeatable façade, you see yourself being drifted to that zone of vulnerability. Because you allow your feelings consume you. Most of the time you are indeed miserable because you choose to. You place yourself into where your feelings can manipulate you and make you believe that what it says is the reality.
But in the real reality, you are just one soul trapped by your own feelings. You are wondering on the endless what ifs of the past maybe because you just run out of something good to think of and strangely have that desire to feel miserable.
Feelings are always deceiving. It’s something very difficult to comprehend, but can be mastered I believe. It’s a venom that can poison you without you knowing if you have not learned to manage it.
There’s always one question you can consider:
Are you wise enough to know where your feelings lead you?
One moment you feel that you’ve moved on from a break up, ready to face a whole new world, and then you wake up one day feeling miserable all of a sudden, recalling all the pain you thought were already gone.
You know how it feels to slump back to that dark past but undeniably, stubbornness is the one enemy of all dealing with dilemmas. No matter how you portray that undefeatable façade, you see yourself being drifted to that zone of vulnerability. Because you allow your feelings consume you. Most of the time you are indeed miserable because you choose to. You place yourself into where your feelings can manipulate you and make you believe that what it says is the reality.
But in the real reality, you are just one soul trapped by your own feelings. You are wondering on the endless what ifs of the past maybe because you just run out of something good to think of and strangely have that desire to feel miserable.
Feelings are always deceiving. It’s something very difficult to comprehend, but can be mastered I believe. It’s a venom that can poison you without you knowing if you have not learned to manage it.
There’s always one question you can consider:
Are you wise enough to know where your feelings lead you?
Thursday, March 5, 2009
The Game
Characters: He and She
Setting: Some bench in some place, one hazy day.
He: “So you think everything’s changed now, eh?” He had that probing eyes, trying to extract all information from her silence.
She: “Am I wrong?” It was her time to give him that prying look, and he turned away with a nervous laugh.
He: “I’m still here, right?” He tried to make it sound funny.
She: “Are you?” She threw back. It was the first time that he failed to make her laugh.
He: “What do you think am I, a ghost?” He laughed, feeling victorious in having found a way to break the tension between them. Second try.
She: “Didn’t you introduce yourself to me as that a long time ago?” She simply shrugged, breaking his triumph. Second failure.
He: “I know…” He said quietly. She could’ve jumped for winning the all-questions game they started. But she hoped he would say something more.
He: Said none.
She: “Gotcha. I won this time.” She joked, collecting back her things and her tears. She said a fast goodbye.
She: Ran away, without looking.
She knew he would never add anything more, not now, not tomorrow, probably never in this lifetime.
When can that ever sink in?
Setting: Some bench in some place, one hazy day.
He: “So you think everything’s changed now, eh?” He had that probing eyes, trying to extract all information from her silence.
She: “Am I wrong?” It was her time to give him that prying look, and he turned away with a nervous laugh.
He: “I’m still here, right?” He tried to make it sound funny.
She: “Are you?” She threw back. It was the first time that he failed to make her laugh.
He: “What do you think am I, a ghost?” He laughed, feeling victorious in having found a way to break the tension between them. Second try.
She: “Didn’t you introduce yourself to me as that a long time ago?” She simply shrugged, breaking his triumph. Second failure.
He: “I know…” He said quietly. She could’ve jumped for winning the all-questions game they started. But she hoped he would say something more.
He: Said none.
She: “Gotcha. I won this time.” She joked, collecting back her things and her tears. She said a fast goodbye.
She: Ran away, without looking.
She knew he would never add anything more, not now, not tomorrow, probably never in this lifetime.
When can that ever sink in?
Thursday, January 8, 2009
When two people don't seem to match
I’m not really fond of meddling with other people’s business but it doesn’t mean I can’t have my own opinion about their lives. But don’t worry, I don’t go straight in front of them and tell them “hey your life sucks!” I got my own life to worry about.
It just so happened that I have this very dear friend and I cannot really figure out how she turned out to be madly in love with this guy. I thought she was just fond of the feeling of being with someone but would soon lose interest. But I realized they’ve been together for quite a while now! Where’s the breakup I’ve been waiting for?
You may think I’m cruel for wanting them to break up, or I’m just one bitter person who can’t find her own happiness. Maybe I am or I just want to have a partner in this world of singlehood. But can it be possible that I want the best guy for her? Ha ha sounds very mommy-ish!
My point is, they just don’t seem to match. I think my friend is too smart, pretty and way too talented. She has this amazing confidence and ability to make people give her a second look and hear what she has to say. (I’m so jealous!)
Then one night she just came to me with all sparkly eyes saying she may have found the one! The one? Him? Seriously???
Yeah, seriously.
I’m not here to demean other people. Now I’m feeling guilty. I just can’t really understand why such an exceptional lady would fall in love with someone…ordinary.
She could’ve found someone she can also have a good laugh with, someone who would also love her despite her immaturities, someone who would also make sense…but better.
Don’t I really like him that much? Not really… I’m just wondering could he really be the right one for her?
It just so happened that I have this very dear friend and I cannot really figure out how she turned out to be madly in love with this guy. I thought she was just fond of the feeling of being with someone but would soon lose interest. But I realized they’ve been together for quite a while now! Where’s the breakup I’ve been waiting for?
You may think I’m cruel for wanting them to break up, or I’m just one bitter person who can’t find her own happiness. Maybe I am or I just want to have a partner in this world of singlehood. But can it be possible that I want the best guy for her? Ha ha sounds very mommy-ish!
My point is, they just don’t seem to match. I think my friend is too smart, pretty and way too talented. She has this amazing confidence and ability to make people give her a second look and hear what she has to say. (I’m so jealous!)
Then one night she just came to me with all sparkly eyes saying she may have found the one! The one? Him? Seriously???
Yeah, seriously.
I’m not here to demean other people. Now I’m feeling guilty. I just can’t really understand why such an exceptional lady would fall in love with someone…ordinary.
She could’ve found someone she can also have a good laugh with, someone who would also love her despite her immaturities, someone who would also make sense…but better.
Don’t I really like him that much? Not really… I’m just wondering could he really be the right one for her?
Friday, June 20, 2008
A Beautiful Myth
Once there was a story untold yet treasured. It was a tale that began in a rather bizarre way, but eventually turned into a wonderful thing that could ever happen to someone. The wonder of it remained perplexing, but some things are better left unfathomed for its marvel to be well-appreciated.
Over the years, the plot of the story remained clear as if the chapters were read over and over again until each episode, each detail, settled solid into the deepest spot of the mind. The value of it was nurtured and was regarded as something priceless; a once-in-a-lifetime experience that could never be traded with anything else.
It was a story that was built over the impossibilities. It was regarded as hard evidence about two people who are so different and so far apart, and yet in just a tiny, single, incredibly unusual point that may never occur again, something so beautiful can be established.
It was no more than a invisible friendship that started as a joke, shared apart, deepened despite the distance, continued to infinity. It was as plain as that, yet it was not ordinary. In that story, it had in it an unexplainable link that may remain a mystery until the end of it.
No matter how strange it was, for the longest time it was remembered. And though people held it foolish for somebody to actually believe in such a thing, it was regarded a reality; obscure, yet lovely.
In a perfect world, it would’ve remained without defect. But even the most fascinating tales had flaws. And like everything else that seemed to exist, somewhere along the way, it also had setbacks. There were unnecessary chapters that occurred, mistaken as something that would make an already flawless story more perfect. But sadly, at the end of the day, the twist proved to be just unparallel to the entire context.
It couldn’t be construed as total wreck after that tiny, almost-non-existent flaw, but for somebody who treasured such a surreal story, it was enough to challenge a belief in the reality of an oddly wonderful friendship.
The once vivid chapters became vague. While recalling how it started was as easy as a-b-c, it came to a point wherein words became cold and distant to roughly illustrate, more so to explain in depth what happened along the plot.
If it were to be rewritten, the unwanted parts would be shredded. That small part of it made the entire picture doubtful. But looking back to where it started up to the point where everything was unbelievably perfect, it still never failed to give a strange feeling of comfort. And maybe…it was the only thing that was meant to last.
Believing in it may be strongly considered unwise and plain stupid. I should know. As they insisted, it was too good to be true. Even so, it was something still causing silly smiles when remembered…a story still read over and over again and still treasured despite its imperfection.
Was it just a myth? Maybe. But the way I see it right now, that thing in it called friendship may be just another story, but in that myth, it was beautiful and real.
Over the years, the plot of the story remained clear as if the chapters were read over and over again until each episode, each detail, settled solid into the deepest spot of the mind. The value of it was nurtured and was regarded as something priceless; a once-in-a-lifetime experience that could never be traded with anything else.
It was a story that was built over the impossibilities. It was regarded as hard evidence about two people who are so different and so far apart, and yet in just a tiny, single, incredibly unusual point that may never occur again, something so beautiful can be established.
It was no more than a invisible friendship that started as a joke, shared apart, deepened despite the distance, continued to infinity. It was as plain as that, yet it was not ordinary. In that story, it had in it an unexplainable link that may remain a mystery until the end of it.
No matter how strange it was, for the longest time it was remembered. And though people held it foolish for somebody to actually believe in such a thing, it was regarded a reality; obscure, yet lovely.
In a perfect world, it would’ve remained without defect. But even the most fascinating tales had flaws. And like everything else that seemed to exist, somewhere along the way, it also had setbacks. There were unnecessary chapters that occurred, mistaken as something that would make an already flawless story more perfect. But sadly, at the end of the day, the twist proved to be just unparallel to the entire context.
It couldn’t be construed as total wreck after that tiny, almost-non-existent flaw, but for somebody who treasured such a surreal story, it was enough to challenge a belief in the reality of an oddly wonderful friendship.
The once vivid chapters became vague. While recalling how it started was as easy as a-b-c, it came to a point wherein words became cold and distant to roughly illustrate, more so to explain in depth what happened along the plot.
If it were to be rewritten, the unwanted parts would be shredded. That small part of it made the entire picture doubtful. But looking back to where it started up to the point where everything was unbelievably perfect, it still never failed to give a strange feeling of comfort. And maybe…it was the only thing that was meant to last.
Believing in it may be strongly considered unwise and plain stupid. I should know. As they insisted, it was too good to be true. Even so, it was something still causing silly smiles when remembered…a story still read over and over again and still treasured despite its imperfection.
Was it just a myth? Maybe. But the way I see it right now, that thing in it called friendship may be just another story, but in that myth, it was beautiful and real.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
THE WEDDING
The door slid open…
I think I’ve finally known you
I can see it in your eyes
I think I’ve finally shown you
That what we have is still worthwhile
She looked radiant even if she were looking down. Slowly she turned her head up…
Don’t you know that love is like a thread
That keeps unraveling within
And I see it together in the end
The butterflies were released…and she started to walk down the aisle.
In your eyes I can see my dreams’ reflections
In your eyes I found the answers to my questions
In your eyes I can see the reasons why our love’s alive
She was heading straight to the man at the end of the aisle, the man she was about to spend the rest of her life with.
In your eyes we’re safely drifting back to shore
And I think I’ve finally learned to love you more.
I couldn’t hold my tears back. I felt that I was starting to lose her…
She met her old man halfway and it was one of the most heartwarming scenes happened in my life. I couldn’t believe my own eyes.
I can consider her my favorite person on earth. With her never-ending patience and her incomparable heart of being there even before I ask, there’s no doubt of the reason why I may have that judgment. And seeing her walking down that aisle, closer to the man she’s gonna start a new life with, and farther away from me, I felt a sudden but deep rush of sadness.
Even if I tried just to focus on the wedding and their own happiness, I couldn’t help wondering “What will happen to me after this?” She was the one I spent most of my time with. We watched last full shows, we drove our father crazy for going to the mall almost every night, and we shared the same passion for food. (That was before I got too particular with the nutritional facts on the package.)
I remembered how we criticized the choices of flowers until we’ve found what would suffice. I remembered how we searched every store for the perfect shoes. I remembered how I joined her in practicing her grand walk in the aisle. And even if it were her big day we were talking about, she still made sure her baby would have the perfect dress for her wedding.
The exchange of vows snapped me from my thoughts.
Soon we would part lives as she builds a new one with somebody. I guess I really can never hold on to her forever. This man must have caused her a great deal of happiness and there’s nothing on earth I could ever pray for but the best for her. And I know in my heart that as lovely as she looked on her wedding day, though she would have a life of her own, my sister would remain the most amazing person I ever knew in my life.
I think I’ve finally known you
I can see it in your eyes
I think I’ve finally shown you
That what we have is still worthwhile
She looked radiant even if she were looking down. Slowly she turned her head up…
Don’t you know that love is like a thread
That keeps unraveling within
And I see it together in the end
The butterflies were released…and she started to walk down the aisle.
In your eyes I can see my dreams’ reflections
In your eyes I found the answers to my questions
In your eyes I can see the reasons why our love’s alive
She was heading straight to the man at the end of the aisle, the man she was about to spend the rest of her life with.
In your eyes we’re safely drifting back to shore
And I think I’ve finally learned to love you more.
I couldn’t hold my tears back. I felt that I was starting to lose her…
She met her old man halfway and it was one of the most heartwarming scenes happened in my life. I couldn’t believe my own eyes.
I can consider her my favorite person on earth. With her never-ending patience and her incomparable heart of being there even before I ask, there’s no doubt of the reason why I may have that judgment. And seeing her walking down that aisle, closer to the man she’s gonna start a new life with, and farther away from me, I felt a sudden but deep rush of sadness.
Even if I tried just to focus on the wedding and their own happiness, I couldn’t help wondering “What will happen to me after this?” She was the one I spent most of my time with. We watched last full shows, we drove our father crazy for going to the mall almost every night, and we shared the same passion for food. (That was before I got too particular with the nutritional facts on the package.)
I remembered how we criticized the choices of flowers until we’ve found what would suffice. I remembered how we searched every store for the perfect shoes. I remembered how I joined her in practicing her grand walk in the aisle. And even if it were her big day we were talking about, she still made sure her baby would have the perfect dress for her wedding.
The exchange of vows snapped me from my thoughts.
Soon we would part lives as she builds a new one with somebody. I guess I really can never hold on to her forever. This man must have caused her a great deal of happiness and there’s nothing on earth I could ever pray for but the best for her. And I know in my heart that as lovely as she looked on her wedding day, though she would have a life of her own, my sister would remain the most amazing person I ever knew in my life.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
George
He looked at her with those loving eyes, that she could see right through them his very soul. He held her with assurance that he would always be there.
“I know I’m not a world renowned person and I know I’m not a lot of things you’ve gone for in the past… But I would never leave you... I would never hurt you... And I will never stop loving you...” Those were his exact words like it was a fact as gravity pulling down everything towards the earth’s very core.
He was always there, at the right place at the right time. Whenever she needed somebody to just listen and tell her that everything will turn out all right, he was there. He was everything any woman could ever dream of. He had everything she wanted in her man.
And again with those loving eyes looking at her, she slowly moved her head down to avoid that pure and sincere gaze. She closed her eyes and fell into a deep thinking. And when she finally got the courage to raise her head, she was filled with tears. “If only I could love you…”
It’s a mystery why we cannot compel our hearts to love somebody. And most of the time this somebody just seems to be the nicest person in the planet, somebody who lights up by our mere presence, and somebody who just stares at us with a promise of doing everything just to make us happy.
And here’s a man who was willing to do everything for her, who would do everything he could just to be “seen” by her, who would not give up by hearing a mere “no” from her, who promised to wash away all the hurt caused by her past. He would do everything just to be the one for her, if only, if only she would give him the chance.
The truth is, she could. She could have allowed him to treat her his princess and let him give her everything she needed. She could’ve tried. Only she didn’t want to. If only there were even a tiny spark of possibility for the two of them, she would have given it a shot. But she knew in her heart that she will never be able to return that look from his loving eyes, because hers is looking the exact opposite direction. It makes no sense but it happens.
He was everything any woman could ever dream of. He had everything she wanted in her man. But the odd and sad truth is, George just isn't him.
“I know I’m not a world renowned person and I know I’m not a lot of things you’ve gone for in the past… But I would never leave you... I would never hurt you... And I will never stop loving you...” Those were his exact words like it was a fact as gravity pulling down everything towards the earth’s very core.
He was always there, at the right place at the right time. Whenever she needed somebody to just listen and tell her that everything will turn out all right, he was there. He was everything any woman could ever dream of. He had everything she wanted in her man.
And again with those loving eyes looking at her, she slowly moved her head down to avoid that pure and sincere gaze. She closed her eyes and fell into a deep thinking. And when she finally got the courage to raise her head, she was filled with tears. “If only I could love you…”
It’s a mystery why we cannot compel our hearts to love somebody. And most of the time this somebody just seems to be the nicest person in the planet, somebody who lights up by our mere presence, and somebody who just stares at us with a promise of doing everything just to make us happy.
And here’s a man who was willing to do everything for her, who would do everything he could just to be “seen” by her, who would not give up by hearing a mere “no” from her, who promised to wash away all the hurt caused by her past. He would do everything just to be the one for her, if only, if only she would give him the chance.
The truth is, she could. She could have allowed him to treat her his princess and let him give her everything she needed. She could’ve tried. Only she didn’t want to. If only there were even a tiny spark of possibility for the two of them, she would have given it a shot. But she knew in her heart that she will never be able to return that look from his loving eyes, because hers is looking the exact opposite direction. It makes no sense but it happens.
He was everything any woman could ever dream of. He had everything she wanted in her man. But the odd and sad truth is, George just isn't him.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Trying to Get the Feeling Again
There is a feeling that has been at rest for quite some time. Before, it was full of hope and trust, but eventually it has grown weary waiting and decided to lock itself inside, where nothing could disturb it. Now, a guard stays before its door, stern and overprotective.
When a feeling has been inactive for quite some time, how should it be awakened? Or, should it be awakened at all?
What if an intruder tries to get into the feeling? Does the feeling jump for joy or does it shut itself out?
There comes into the picture the examiner. This one has a long list of questions, or probably a book. It has to probe. It has to scrutinize the intruder, and in this case, it’s already an old guest. It has to make sure that the standards are passed, the intentions are made clear, and the sincerity is validated. It may take a while and if the intruder is patient, it will endure all the questions of the examiner. The examiner has to make sure it has gone through all the procedures. Why? Because it knows it needs to explain everything to the guard. It’s the safe keeper of the key to the feeling.
After the examiner has fulfilled its responsibilities, it goes to the locked feeling and talks with the guard. They discuss the result of the investigation. The guard is always suspicious. It doesn’t want anything to get into the feeling. The examiner explains the facts but the guard is full of doubts. It reminds the examiner of the ruling: Old Guests Are Forbidden.
“You’ve seen what the feeling went through in the past, how could you be talking to me about the same intruder?” The guard says disappointedly.
“It’s my job to examine all intruders and give the feeling my report.” The examiner frowns.
“The intruder may have won you, but I won’t let it get into the feeling again.” It fights back stubbornly.
“I didn’t say it has already passed the test,” says the examiner. “All I’m saying is the feeling needs to check my results by itself. It’s not us this intruder needs, it’s looking for her.” The guard makes face, not trying to hear a thing.
“I don’t have time to convince such a stubborn feeling as you. Do you think it was easy for me to deal with this intruder? I saw her sadness too and I was exploding with hostility towards it. But is it my job to judge?” The examiner says and walks away.
Seeing it has won the argument, the guard whispers by the door, “Don’t worry. I will never let anybody get into this door. I will never allow anyone to touch you again.”
Meanwhile, the examiner goes back and ventilates its annoyance with an associate. Now, this associate is new and is still very naïve.
“I am just presenting the facts. That guard is too domineering.” The examiner says furiously.
The associate knows it’s not in the position to comment about anything. Nevertheless, it says quietly, “Maybe it doesn’t want to cause the feeling any more pain. It seems reasonable to me.”
“How can you conclude that? You’re just a novice!” The examiner scowls. “I have my previous reports intact. The feeling was happiest with that intruder! Yes, they had misunderstandings and the timing wasn’t right, but who are we to judge who is and isn’t right for the feeling?” The examiner leaves the novice the reports and marches away.
The novice studies the reports and by its innocence, it is easily swayed by the data. The examiner is right, it mutters.
Late at night, the novice drops by the locked room.
“What do you want?” the guard pries.
“Oh, I was instructed to tell you that there is an intruder outside who wants to talk to the feeling and the other guards can’t stop him. I think they need you there.” The novice replies.
With another prying look, the guard says “How can I trust a novice like you?”
The novice shrugs and doesn’t say a word. A few seconds pass and the guard remains troubled by the reported commotion. It doesn’t want to leave the feeling with the novice, but it knows that if the intruder gets in, the feeling will be in more difficult situation.
With a deep concern on its face, the guard tells the novice, “It is my responsibility to keep the feeling safe. You have not known the entire story yet, but that intruder is very dangerous. Do you understand how serious this is?”
“We’re all here to protect the feeling.” The novice simply replies.
With that, the guard instantly leaps from its seat and warns the novice. “Don’t come near the door, you novice.” Then it hurries away.
The novice nervously stands by the door and knocks. “Are you there?” The novice waits for a reply but the feeling doesn’t answer.
“I just came here to tell you that the intruder is here. The examiner has been meaning to give you this,” the novice slips the results through. “Your guard is too protective of you and I understand that, but I know that in the end, the decision is yours.” And the novice leaves.
The danger in leaving a feeling out in the cold is that it may turn out to be hard enough that it won’t be melted by the highest degree of heat. The scary part could be that after such a long time, it won’t be able to recognize what has stirred itself in the first place.
As days pass, everybody is continuously disturbed by the intruder from the outside although it never gets to pass the guard. Despite all the disorder outside its door, the feeling remains unmoved. Does it mean the feeling has already been gone or has it just fallen into a very deep sleep that no ordinary intrusion may awaken it?
Who knows if the feeling hears everything from the inside. Who knows if it even looked at the reports of the examiner. Who knows if the guard were really successful in preventing the feeling from any form of intruder by just standing by the door.
“Could the feeling still be there,” the novice wonders.
When a feeling has been inactive for quite some time, how should it be awakened? Or, should it be awakened at all?
What if an intruder tries to get into the feeling? Does the feeling jump for joy or does it shut itself out?
There comes into the picture the examiner. This one has a long list of questions, or probably a book. It has to probe. It has to scrutinize the intruder, and in this case, it’s already an old guest. It has to make sure that the standards are passed, the intentions are made clear, and the sincerity is validated. It may take a while and if the intruder is patient, it will endure all the questions of the examiner. The examiner has to make sure it has gone through all the procedures. Why? Because it knows it needs to explain everything to the guard. It’s the safe keeper of the key to the feeling.
After the examiner has fulfilled its responsibilities, it goes to the locked feeling and talks with the guard. They discuss the result of the investigation. The guard is always suspicious. It doesn’t want anything to get into the feeling. The examiner explains the facts but the guard is full of doubts. It reminds the examiner of the ruling: Old Guests Are Forbidden.
“You’ve seen what the feeling went through in the past, how could you be talking to me about the same intruder?” The guard says disappointedly.
“It’s my job to examine all intruders and give the feeling my report.” The examiner frowns.
“The intruder may have won you, but I won’t let it get into the feeling again.” It fights back stubbornly.
“I didn’t say it has already passed the test,” says the examiner. “All I’m saying is the feeling needs to check my results by itself. It’s not us this intruder needs, it’s looking for her.” The guard makes face, not trying to hear a thing.
“I don’t have time to convince such a stubborn feeling as you. Do you think it was easy for me to deal with this intruder? I saw her sadness too and I was exploding with hostility towards it. But is it my job to judge?” The examiner says and walks away.
Seeing it has won the argument, the guard whispers by the door, “Don’t worry. I will never let anybody get into this door. I will never allow anyone to touch you again.”
Meanwhile, the examiner goes back and ventilates its annoyance with an associate. Now, this associate is new and is still very naïve.
“I am just presenting the facts. That guard is too domineering.” The examiner says furiously.
The associate knows it’s not in the position to comment about anything. Nevertheless, it says quietly, “Maybe it doesn’t want to cause the feeling any more pain. It seems reasonable to me.”
“How can you conclude that? You’re just a novice!” The examiner scowls. “I have my previous reports intact. The feeling was happiest with that intruder! Yes, they had misunderstandings and the timing wasn’t right, but who are we to judge who is and isn’t right for the feeling?” The examiner leaves the novice the reports and marches away.
The novice studies the reports and by its innocence, it is easily swayed by the data. The examiner is right, it mutters.
Late at night, the novice drops by the locked room.
“What do you want?” the guard pries.
“Oh, I was instructed to tell you that there is an intruder outside who wants to talk to the feeling and the other guards can’t stop him. I think they need you there.” The novice replies.
With another prying look, the guard says “How can I trust a novice like you?”
The novice shrugs and doesn’t say a word. A few seconds pass and the guard remains troubled by the reported commotion. It doesn’t want to leave the feeling with the novice, but it knows that if the intruder gets in, the feeling will be in more difficult situation.
With a deep concern on its face, the guard tells the novice, “It is my responsibility to keep the feeling safe. You have not known the entire story yet, but that intruder is very dangerous. Do you understand how serious this is?”
“We’re all here to protect the feeling.” The novice simply replies.
With that, the guard instantly leaps from its seat and warns the novice. “Don’t come near the door, you novice.” Then it hurries away.
The novice nervously stands by the door and knocks. “Are you there?” The novice waits for a reply but the feeling doesn’t answer.
“I just came here to tell you that the intruder is here. The examiner has been meaning to give you this,” the novice slips the results through. “Your guard is too protective of you and I understand that, but I know that in the end, the decision is yours.” And the novice leaves.
The danger in leaving a feeling out in the cold is that it may turn out to be hard enough that it won’t be melted by the highest degree of heat. The scary part could be that after such a long time, it won’t be able to recognize what has stirred itself in the first place.
As days pass, everybody is continuously disturbed by the intruder from the outside although it never gets to pass the guard. Despite all the disorder outside its door, the feeling remains unmoved. Does it mean the feeling has already been gone or has it just fallen into a very deep sleep that no ordinary intrusion may awaken it?
Who knows if the feeling hears everything from the inside. Who knows if it even looked at the reports of the examiner. Who knows if the guard were really successful in preventing the feeling from any form of intruder by just standing by the door.
“Could the feeling still be there,” the novice wonders.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Was It Real?
(A Poem, A Play)
SCENE 1:
He was looking straight at me,
Trying to catch my gaze.
What was in that stare?
Was he trying to tell me something?
Was he searching for answers?
But I couldn’t return his look.
I don’t know why.
Was I confused?
Was I afraid?
From the corner of my eyes,
I saw him turn away.
No expression at all
Or at least nothing I could read.
SCENE 2:
He was beside me,
Not speaking a single word.
It was heart-breaking
Being too close with somebody
And yet feeling he was drifting away.
I couldn’t contain the sadness I felt.
I was filled with confusion,
Excitement,
Anxiety,
Emptiness…
The list goes on…
Then suddenly,
All the havoc within me was interrupted
When he held my hand.
It was the first time.
And again, it was as if
There was oblivion on everything else,
Even on my own heartbeat.
Simply, I was stunned.
I didn’t dare look,
Nor did I ask anything.
I remained still,
Trying to identify what feeling it brought me.
SCENE 3:
I was looking at him,
Trying to catch his gaze.
But he looked away.
I tried to hold his hand,
But even before I could reach for them,
He locked them inside his pocket.
I tried to speak a word.
Something he never did.
But his eyes weren’t fixed on me.
Was he searching for something else?
It was my turn to look away.
Not to escape his gaze,
But to hide my tears.
I knew it was time.
But I couldn’t get into my feet.
Instead, I waited.
For him to look right over his shoulders.
And give me that look
I thought I once had.
Time was ticking.
I saw the leaves falling from the trees.
And before I knew it
There he was…
A shadow from afar…
An image I barely know…
Nothing but
A ghost who passed by…
It was when I wished the rolling of the curtains would end the scene.
ABOUT THE PLAY: It’s been almost a year since I played a lead role in a theater where I had no audience. It was a story which I personally produced, believing in its substance. It was a play whose script I, myself, wrote, choosing the plot, the climax and whose end still hangs. It was a play which I starred with no reservations at all. But eventually I realized it was a play I got myself involved with alone.
SCENE 1:
He was looking straight at me,
Trying to catch my gaze.
What was in that stare?
Was he trying to tell me something?
Was he searching for answers?
But I couldn’t return his look.
I don’t know why.
Was I confused?
Was I afraid?
From the corner of my eyes,
I saw him turn away.
No expression at all
Or at least nothing I could read.
SCENE 2:
He was beside me,
Not speaking a single word.
It was heart-breaking
Being too close with somebody
And yet feeling he was drifting away.
I couldn’t contain the sadness I felt.
I was filled with confusion,
Excitement,
Anxiety,
Emptiness…
The list goes on…
Then suddenly,
All the havoc within me was interrupted
When he held my hand.
It was the first time.
And again, it was as if
There was oblivion on everything else,
Even on my own heartbeat.
Simply, I was stunned.
I didn’t dare look,
Nor did I ask anything.
I remained still,
Trying to identify what feeling it brought me.
SCENE 3:
I was looking at him,
Trying to catch his gaze.
But he looked away.
I tried to hold his hand,
But even before I could reach for them,
He locked them inside his pocket.
I tried to speak a word.
Something he never did.
But his eyes weren’t fixed on me.
Was he searching for something else?
It was my turn to look away.
Not to escape his gaze,
But to hide my tears.
I knew it was time.
But I couldn’t get into my feet.
Instead, I waited.
For him to look right over his shoulders.
And give me that look
I thought I once had.
Time was ticking.
I saw the leaves falling from the trees.
And before I knew it
There he was…
A shadow from afar…
An image I barely know…
Nothing but
A ghost who passed by…
It was when I wished the rolling of the curtains would end the scene.
ABOUT THE PLAY: It’s been almost a year since I played a lead role in a theater where I had no audience. It was a story which I personally produced, believing in its substance. It was a play whose script I, myself, wrote, choosing the plot, the climax and whose end still hangs. It was a play which I starred with no reservations at all. But eventually I realized it was a play I got myself involved with alone.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Just Another Story
There were few people near the cinemas where they agreed to meet after another 2 long years. There were sounds of arcade games nearby, people chatting near the popcorn stand, a crew calling out orders on a fastfood chain. Somebody called out her name. She didn’t know if it was said loud enough, or the voice was just familiar that she instantly turned her head in his direction. When she saw a guy in red shirt with a camera hanging around his neck, she automatically grinned.
“Heeeeey!” she exclaimed, almost running towards him, arms stretched as if she were ready for a huge birthday present. They hugged that they almost fell. She imagined how foolish they must have seemed if they weren’t able to keep their balance. But that could have added up to the excitement of that “reunion.” They laughed at their clumsiness and at that point, she remembered how great it felt to be with him once again.
There was nothing extraordinary on that meeting. They spent what, four, five hours together, had lunch, did some live performances singing and laughed like crazy. Probably that was the best part of it. Yeah it was a bit odd. Every time he said something, she automatically burst into laughter no matter how stupid it was about. You two are weird, his brother even commented. She could’ve probably spent an entire day with him just listening to his “concert” and watching him concentrate on his pasta, as if trying to figure out how the entire plate can fit into his mouth. Who am I with, a five-year old? She teasingly thought.
Before they knew it, the day was over. He walked her to the train, where they would leave the last traces of that day. For the third time in nearly 5 years of knowing each other, they said good bye. They hugged. Still, she managed to tease him but then, she felt strange. Nobody has hugged her that way, as if telling her how much she was missed, how much he didn’t want to let her go or that he didn’t want it to end. Or maybe, it was just her mind playing tricks on her…coz maybe she was the one feeling that way.
She slowly walked away, giving him a last look. She smiled and even tried to reach out for him while she was being carried away by the line towards the train. They would probably meet in another year or so, and at the thought of it, she sighed.
And… she sighed. That was all. It was as if there was nothing more she could add. She held a pencil on her right hand, slightly tapped it on her head, lost in oblivion on what to write next. On the corner of the table was a trash bin, half-full of crumpled papers. She’d been trying to do the story for weeks, but all she could do was to stare blankly at her nth sheet of paper, with drawings of circles and twirls. Of course she could’ve used her computer in front of her, but she felt more of a writer with the pencil. Besides, saving the trees was not her top priority at that moment.
She let another sigh. She decided to get herself a cup of tea, the one with flower contents and that said: “a soothing drink to aid relaxation.” She held the back of her head and realized she badly needed it.
She threw herself on her bed and reached for a Mitch Albom’s. Maybe she needed some inspiring thoughts that would disguise the sadness she felt. She flipped the pages but the words barely registered to her mind. Unconsciously her thoughts slowly drifted from the time she tried to sense the relaxed feeling from her tea, to the time she didn’t even have to exert any effort to feel complete, just months ago.
Shaking her head, she tried to push away what had been haunting her. She got up and went back to drawing circles and twirls on the paper…
A month after, they accidentally saw each other in messenger. They chatted as if they hadn’t seen each other in years. It was the continuation of the … of the day they met, if there really were a … on it. And she actually didn’t think there could be anything else besides their usual senseless conversation that only they could understand. One thing led to the next. She was more puzzled on how things were going. He would call her on special occasions, chat with her everyday, not failing to be extra thoughtful. He would plan up a getaway with her, telling her it was his first time to really plan on something. Now, what was that about?
She crumpled the paper again, frustrated. She felt it was useless telling a story that was as unreal as Cinderella’s tale. What then is real?
They’ve known each other for 5 years now, 11 hours of it were spent together, the remaining practically as strangers, trying to know each other behind their monitors and phones. And all these time, they claimed to have known each other well. They spent these 11 hours comfortably that made her think that what they had was something special.
She knew what they had shared in 5 long years was the exact definition of oddness. She could’ve looked up in Webster and found its meaning as: an invisible friendship that started as a joke, shared apart, deepened despite the distance, continued to infinity.
She could’ve been contented on their friendship, but the 4, 5 hours of it changed it all. And the invisibility that came after ruined her dreams…coz she could never believe it could, at any point, be real.
She smirked at herself. Was there really a point that any of these things became real? Looking back, nothing seemed to make sense. Probably it was only her that laid an imaginative sense on everything. And now reality had finally found its way to bang her head and cruelly say that it was him that existed, not the one she had in mind. And it kicked her unmercifully. Who was she trying to convince that the story is convertible to reality, when it was her denying what’s already in front of her?
Hey, it’s been a long time since I last heard from you.
She wanted to ask why it did take him that long. She was damn bedazzled on what really happened. A ghost... She already pushed that idea away. She couldn’t believe that after all this time, he’d only been a ghost in her life. She wanted to tell him but then, she chose to say it plain: Yeah, nothing much has changed.
They say dreams do come true. But you’ve got to distinguish a dream that is plausible from something that you’re stuck with, just because you can’t let it go.
She sighed… She crumpled the paper once again, paused, and decided to keep that page. Some stories are better left untold. Indeed, it was just another story that would add up to her collection. The realization was already gazing at her, waiting for her to claim it, and yet she was reluctant to even give it a glance, coz she knew that when she got a hold of it, that signified the end of her story.
Did she want it to end?
She tried to sense any possible sign of anything at all. But she couldn’t discern a thing. Lost in that situation, she felt helpless. But then again, she chose to let things be.
Was it a mistake?
I’m coming back this year. Maybe I’ll see you then.
And…she sighed…
“Heeeeey!” she exclaimed, almost running towards him, arms stretched as if she were ready for a huge birthday present. They hugged that they almost fell. She imagined how foolish they must have seemed if they weren’t able to keep their balance. But that could have added up to the excitement of that “reunion.” They laughed at their clumsiness and at that point, she remembered how great it felt to be with him once again.
There was nothing extraordinary on that meeting. They spent what, four, five hours together, had lunch, did some live performances singing and laughed like crazy. Probably that was the best part of it. Yeah it was a bit odd. Every time he said something, she automatically burst into laughter no matter how stupid it was about. You two are weird, his brother even commented. She could’ve probably spent an entire day with him just listening to his “concert” and watching him concentrate on his pasta, as if trying to figure out how the entire plate can fit into his mouth. Who am I with, a five-year old? She teasingly thought.
Before they knew it, the day was over. He walked her to the train, where they would leave the last traces of that day. For the third time in nearly 5 years of knowing each other, they said good bye. They hugged. Still, she managed to tease him but then, she felt strange. Nobody has hugged her that way, as if telling her how much she was missed, how much he didn’t want to let her go or that he didn’t want it to end. Or maybe, it was just her mind playing tricks on her…coz maybe she was the one feeling that way.
She slowly walked away, giving him a last look. She smiled and even tried to reach out for him while she was being carried away by the line towards the train. They would probably meet in another year or so, and at the thought of it, she sighed.
And… she sighed. That was all. It was as if there was nothing more she could add. She held a pencil on her right hand, slightly tapped it on her head, lost in oblivion on what to write next. On the corner of the table was a trash bin, half-full of crumpled papers. She’d been trying to do the story for weeks, but all she could do was to stare blankly at her nth sheet of paper, with drawings of circles and twirls. Of course she could’ve used her computer in front of her, but she felt more of a writer with the pencil. Besides, saving the trees was not her top priority at that moment.
She let another sigh. She decided to get herself a cup of tea, the one with flower contents and that said: “a soothing drink to aid relaxation.” She held the back of her head and realized she badly needed it.
She threw herself on her bed and reached for a Mitch Albom’s. Maybe she needed some inspiring thoughts that would disguise the sadness she felt. She flipped the pages but the words barely registered to her mind. Unconsciously her thoughts slowly drifted from the time she tried to sense the relaxed feeling from her tea, to the time she didn’t even have to exert any effort to feel complete, just months ago.
Shaking her head, she tried to push away what had been haunting her. She got up and went back to drawing circles and twirls on the paper…
A month after, they accidentally saw each other in messenger. They chatted as if they hadn’t seen each other in years. It was the continuation of the … of the day they met, if there really were a … on it. And she actually didn’t think there could be anything else besides their usual senseless conversation that only they could understand. One thing led to the next. She was more puzzled on how things were going. He would call her on special occasions, chat with her everyday, not failing to be extra thoughtful. He would plan up a getaway with her, telling her it was his first time to really plan on something. Now, what was that about?
She crumpled the paper again, frustrated. She felt it was useless telling a story that was as unreal as Cinderella’s tale. What then is real?
They’ve known each other for 5 years now, 11 hours of it were spent together, the remaining practically as strangers, trying to know each other behind their monitors and phones. And all these time, they claimed to have known each other well. They spent these 11 hours comfortably that made her think that what they had was something special.
She knew what they had shared in 5 long years was the exact definition of oddness. She could’ve looked up in Webster and found its meaning as: an invisible friendship that started as a joke, shared apart, deepened despite the distance, continued to infinity.
She could’ve been contented on their friendship, but the 4, 5 hours of it changed it all. And the invisibility that came after ruined her dreams…coz she could never believe it could, at any point, be real.
She smirked at herself. Was there really a point that any of these things became real? Looking back, nothing seemed to make sense. Probably it was only her that laid an imaginative sense on everything. And now reality had finally found its way to bang her head and cruelly say that it was him that existed, not the one she had in mind. And it kicked her unmercifully. Who was she trying to convince that the story is convertible to reality, when it was her denying what’s already in front of her?
Hey, it’s been a long time since I last heard from you.
She wanted to ask why it did take him that long. She was damn bedazzled on what really happened. A ghost... She already pushed that idea away. She couldn’t believe that after all this time, he’d only been a ghost in her life. She wanted to tell him but then, she chose to say it plain: Yeah, nothing much has changed.
They say dreams do come true. But you’ve got to distinguish a dream that is plausible from something that you’re stuck with, just because you can’t let it go.
She sighed… She crumpled the paper once again, paused, and decided to keep that page. Some stories are better left untold. Indeed, it was just another story that would add up to her collection. The realization was already gazing at her, waiting for her to claim it, and yet she was reluctant to even give it a glance, coz she knew that when she got a hold of it, that signified the end of her story.
Did she want it to end?
She tried to sense any possible sign of anything at all. But she couldn’t discern a thing. Lost in that situation, she felt helpless. But then again, she chose to let things be.
Was it a mistake?
I’m coming back this year. Maybe I’ll see you then.
And…she sighed…
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
A GHOST
IRC Chat room - DLSU Channel. It all started there. One boring weekend, with nobody else in the chat room made sense. A nick appeared on her screen, asking, ctc? Another hopeless guy, she thought. Where could he have possibly taken that nick from? Nevertheless, she gave it a shot.
Among all those who tried to pm her, it was thiswho got the meaning of her nick right. Yep, she was a fan of a song by Goo Goo Dolls. Then the usual followed: asl, school, how r u doin stuffs.
He said, i stopped school. And instantly she wondered, how could this guy afford to join DLSU Channel when he had practically nothing interesting in his life? Out-of-school youths did not impress her that much. And so as casually as possible, she answered all his questions and said the right words at the right time, not knowing she got all her impressions wrong.
Shortly, a lot of lols were already typed. Without realizing how late it was, she realized she somehow enjoyed the chat. Then they said bye bye and exchanged “real” names. It was fun, probably the most interesting chat she ever had. Some people in the chat room did make sense after all. But it won’t definitely be a habit. She had been loaded with so many things to do in school. Chatting was not really her thing.
Nothing of the weekend left a mark on her. She continued being a “geek” in school, as her friends would call her. She was well-planned in everything. Her daily schedule sucked. Everything in between classes was dorm, projects, defenses, books, a little movie, and lots of sleep. Yeah, maybe she was a bit of grade-conscious, but definitely not geek! Would aiming for 4.0s make her a geek? Hehehe.
Another busy week passed and she had all her papers done before the weekend. She definitely made a great schedule, as always. She had enough of her bed, so she straightened up and went directly to the computer, and logged on to DLSU Channel. A familiar nick appeared right away... Maybe he was as bored as her, she guessed. And before she knew it, they were chatting for hours again. This time, aside from the usual bye bye tc’s, numbers were swapped. She wasn’t really sure why she had agreed on it. There was no harm on giving numbers anyway. If this guy turned out to be a pervert of some sort, she could easily change her number and go on with her life.
They found a new way of bursting their craziness out: texting. She never believed in that kind of getting-to-know-each-other stage. It was an extremely old hat. How can she get along with someone invisible? Someone she didn’t even know? Surely it was easy to pretend to be somebody else. And so she never took anything seriously. They exchanged messages every now and then, greeted each other every morning, said good night before going to bed, and talked about how their days went. Simple, no complications at all.
Despite its oddness, their ghostly friendship, in a way, grew. They talked over the phone for hours, with endless laughter. Everything could be equated in just three words, weird but fun. Did they talk about problems? Not much. Did they talk about past love? Not much either. They stayed on the present, always finding something amusing on small stuffs: her homeworks, her professors, his grandma, his cartoons…it was never-ending! They were just having fun, and who they really were didn’t matter to her at all. She realized sharing a part of her life to a complete stranger was another form of adventure.
Then he began counting the days. He was soon migrating to another country and it was then she understood why he quit school. She thought of those last days as the peak of their invisible friendship. By the time she opened her eyes, there he was, calling her…not running out of something comic. No conversation ended earlier than 1am. Yeah, she was still busy but her perfectly-designed schedule could always find time to accommodate those late-night talks. He never failed amusing her. He would sing endlessly, old and new, English, Filipino and Japanese. It was his role to make her laugh and forget about all the wrongs in life. Everything seemed perfect.
He dropped by her dorm, and left her notes with the guard. They would laugh at how bizarre they were. Of course meeting up crossed their minds. But aside from the fact that she considered it rather corny to meet up, she didn’t see the point of it. He was leaving soon. Besides, they were fine that way, and she didn’t want to ask for anything else. So they dropped the idea. Friends with no faces they remained. And so there was something in that set-up that remained a mystery.
The very last night they talked was the most unforgettable. She had a class at 7am but she didn’t care even if she slept at 5am. How could she miss it? It was their last chance to laugh together and share what they had in common - absurdity. She can never forget how good it felt, knowing that he was just on the other line. Even if there were moments that they were just silent, even if she almost fell asleep, but knowing he was just there, maybe thinking, maybe asleep, it was an unexplainable feeling. The magic of that last night would forever be a mystery. It was a silent way of saying things that was impossible to be uttered. It was not a sad goodbye, but still it was an end that was inevitable.
The next thing she knew, he was calling her from the airport, telling her how much he will miss her. There was bit of regret. They were friends and that was a given fact. But could they have shared much more together if they were not too silly on their odd friendship? Then she realized, it won’t change a thing. He was right, he was like a ghost who passed by and left without any trace. But why did fate bring these two people together and then part just like that? She had always believed that every person you meet has a purpose in your life, and in some way they are meant to teach you a lesson, or simply to touch your life.
His leaving became real only on that very night when she realized she was alone, with no phone on her hand, and no laughter filling the room. But as they say, life has to go on. Friends come and go. She remembered him saying, he would call her as soon as he gets there, he would email her often. But she knew the missing would only last for a while. Soon, they would be used to their lives apart.
And they did. Emails became less. But whenever they bumped with each other in the net, they would chat the way they used to. She remained in awe how they were able to sustain that kind of relationship. Maybe, in the slightest possibility, they could’ve had something special, but sadly, it was not given enough chance to grow.
Two and a half years later.
There was a message sent to her saying, I’m home! When she realized it was from him, she felt the impulse that they had to meet. How could they afford to let his vacation pass without finally seeing each other? They had been friends for years already. They were not that silly after all.
Anxiety attacked. What if they didn’t go along well? What if they didn’t have as much fun as they had when they were invisible? It was more than 2 years of knowing a person without really knowing him, if you know what I mean. Didn’t she have the right to be anxious?
The moment a guy appeared in front of her, she knew it was him. And they hugged to finally say hi in person and perhaps to make up for their 2-year old friendship. All her apprehension disappeared. That meeting was as surprising and as peculiar as their friendship. Not having seen each other for all those time didn’t change what they had. They brought out the laughing out loud from chat, to text, to phone and finally to reality.
She remained as baffled as she had been on why they became friends. But she quit questioning it. Maybe they were meant to remind each other that no matter how two people meet, as long as they match in any possible way, even only at a certain point, they would forever leave a mark on each others’ lives.
Now, they still talk once in a while, untiringly bringing up the past... the perfect time that she believed they truly met, even without seeing each other in flesh. Then she believed that some friendships, faceless as they may be, were meant to last...
Among all those who tried to pm her, it was this
He said, i stopped school. And instantly she wondered, how could this guy afford to join DLSU Channel when he had practically nothing interesting in his life? Out-of-school youths did not impress her that much. And so as casually as possible, she answered all his questions and said the right words at the right time, not knowing she got all her impressions wrong.
Shortly, a lot of lols were already typed. Without realizing how late it was, she realized she somehow enjoyed the chat. Then they said bye bye and exchanged “real” names. It was fun, probably the most interesting chat she ever had. Some people in the chat room did make sense after all. But it won’t definitely be a habit. She had been loaded with so many things to do in school. Chatting was not really her thing.
Nothing of the weekend left a mark on her. She continued being a “geek” in school, as her friends would call her. She was well-planned in everything. Her daily schedule sucked. Everything in between classes was dorm, projects, defenses, books, a little movie, and lots of sleep. Yeah, maybe she was a bit of grade-conscious, but definitely not geek! Would aiming for 4.0s make her a geek? Hehehe.
Another busy week passed and she had all her papers done before the weekend. She definitely made a great schedule, as always. She had enough of her bed, so she straightened up and went directly to the computer, and logged on to DLSU Channel. A familiar nick appeared right away...
They found a new way of bursting their craziness out: texting. She never believed in that kind of getting-to-know-each-other stage. It was an extremely old hat. How can she get along with someone invisible? Someone she didn’t even know? Surely it was easy to pretend to be somebody else. And so she never took anything seriously. They exchanged messages every now and then, greeted each other every morning, said good night before going to bed, and talked about how their days went. Simple, no complications at all.
Despite its oddness, their ghostly friendship, in a way, grew. They talked over the phone for hours, with endless laughter. Everything could be equated in just three words, weird but fun. Did they talk about problems? Not much. Did they talk about past love? Not much either. They stayed on the present, always finding something amusing on small stuffs: her homeworks, her professors, his grandma, his cartoons…it was never-ending! They were just having fun, and who they really were didn’t matter to her at all. She realized sharing a part of her life to a complete stranger was another form of adventure.
Then he began counting the days. He was soon migrating to another country and it was then she understood why he quit school. She thought of those last days as the peak of their invisible friendship. By the time she opened her eyes, there he was, calling her…not running out of something comic. No conversation ended earlier than 1am. Yeah, she was still busy but her perfectly-designed schedule could always find time to accommodate those late-night talks. He never failed amusing her. He would sing endlessly, old and new, English, Filipino and Japanese. It was his role to make her laugh and forget about all the wrongs in life. Everything seemed perfect.
He dropped by her dorm, and left her notes with the guard. They would laugh at how bizarre they were. Of course meeting up crossed their minds. But aside from the fact that she considered it rather corny to meet up, she didn’t see the point of it. He was leaving soon. Besides, they were fine that way, and she didn’t want to ask for anything else. So they dropped the idea. Friends with no faces they remained. And so there was something in that set-up that remained a mystery.
The very last night they talked was the most unforgettable. She had a class at 7am but she didn’t care even if she slept at 5am. How could she miss it? It was their last chance to laugh together and share what they had in common - absurdity. She can never forget how good it felt, knowing that he was just on the other line. Even if there were moments that they were just silent, even if she almost fell asleep, but knowing he was just there, maybe thinking, maybe asleep, it was an unexplainable feeling. The magic of that last night would forever be a mystery. It was a silent way of saying things that was impossible to be uttered. It was not a sad goodbye, but still it was an end that was inevitable.
The next thing she knew, he was calling her from the airport, telling her how much he will miss her. There was bit of regret. They were friends and that was a given fact. But could they have shared much more together if they were not too silly on their odd friendship? Then she realized, it won’t change a thing. He was right, he was like a ghost who passed by and left without any trace. But why did fate bring these two people together and then part just like that? She had always believed that every person you meet has a purpose in your life, and in some way they are meant to teach you a lesson, or simply to touch your life.
His leaving became real only on that very night when she realized she was alone, with no phone on her hand, and no laughter filling the room. But as they say, life has to go on. Friends come and go. She remembered him saying, he would call her as soon as he gets there, he would email her often. But she knew the missing would only last for a while. Soon, they would be used to their lives apart.
And they did. Emails became less. But whenever they bumped with each other in the net, they would chat the way they used to. She remained in awe how they were able to sustain that kind of relationship. Maybe, in the slightest possibility, they could’ve had something special, but sadly, it was not given enough chance to grow.
Two and a half years later.
There was a message sent to her saying, I’m home! When she realized it was from him, she felt the impulse that they had to meet. How could they afford to let his vacation pass without finally seeing each other? They had been friends for years already. They were not that silly after all.
Anxiety attacked. What if they didn’t go along well? What if they didn’t have as much fun as they had when they were invisible? It was more than 2 years of knowing a person without really knowing him, if you know what I mean. Didn’t she have the right to be anxious?
The moment a guy appeared in front of her, she knew it was him. And they hugged to finally say hi in person and perhaps to make up for their 2-year old friendship. All her apprehension disappeared. That meeting was as surprising and as peculiar as their friendship. Not having seen each other for all those time didn’t change what they had. They brought out the laughing out loud from chat, to text, to phone and finally to reality.
She remained as baffled as she had been on why they became friends. But she quit questioning it. Maybe they were meant to remind each other that no matter how two people meet, as long as they match in any possible way, even only at a certain point, they would forever leave a mark on each others’ lives.
Now, they still talk once in a while, untiringly bringing up the past... the perfect time that she believed they truly met, even without seeing each other in flesh. Then she believed that some friendships, faceless as they may be, were meant to last...
Saturday, July 22, 2006
When Is It Over?
So you had your heart broken. Endless thoughts of not being able to continue living, of not knowing how to start all over again. And after an eternity of denial, misery and letting-go drama, you begin to ask, “Am I ok?”
When is it really over? When you stop crying? When you feel numb of the pain? When you’re done listening to gushy songs? When you claim that you have moved on? When you start considering the idea of falling in love again?
Answer your question with a “yes” and you feel relieved. At last, you’ve gathered the broken pieces together. You smile a lot now. You meet a lot of people. You work hard. You think of a dazzling future awaiting you. You enjoy. It’s the perfect time of your life.
Unexpectedly, along your busy schedule, an old familiar song plays. An old note slips from your last year’s organizer. A familiar scent stirs your deepest oblivion. An old friend drops by to see how you’re doing. And you say “I’m great!” But at the back of your mind, you’re in fact asking, “Am I?” You begin questioning your new-found life. Are you happy? Are you content? Is this what you really want of your life? Are you complete?
Slowly you start staring blankly in front of your piles of paper works. And you just can’t acknowledge the fact that a part of you failed to completely erase the past. Hey, how can it possibly happen? Aren’t you over those thoughts already? Didn’t you hear yourself saying you’ve moved on? You try hard to mask yourself from these thoughts incessantly haunting you until your last yawn at night.
Unfair isn’t it? You had to take that long agonizing ride to get your life back, just to be rattled by a song… a note… a scent… a memory that you’ve tried to put behind you. Is it really over? It may be years already. A thought, just a mere thought of your endless what-ifs, will eventually wreck what you’ve struggled to have now. And you can’t just let it happen. You convince yourself that you’re not dumb enough to go through that misery all over again.
It’s been a while. And you’ve already regained yourself, your pride. You’ve learned how brilliant you are, how remarkably beautiful… You realized your worth. You realized that somewhere, something better awaits you… something that was especially prepared for you to discover, treasure, and keep... this time for real.
Now, you ask. Is it really over? A wise girl who learnt to love herself the hard way would proudly say, this time with finality, yes.
When is it really over? When you stop crying? When you feel numb of the pain? When you’re done listening to gushy songs? When you claim that you have moved on? When you start considering the idea of falling in love again?
Answer your question with a “yes” and you feel relieved. At last, you’ve gathered the broken pieces together. You smile a lot now. You meet a lot of people. You work hard. You think of a dazzling future awaiting you. You enjoy. It’s the perfect time of your life.
Unexpectedly, along your busy schedule, an old familiar song plays. An old note slips from your last year’s organizer. A familiar scent stirs your deepest oblivion. An old friend drops by to see how you’re doing. And you say “I’m great!” But at the back of your mind, you’re in fact asking, “Am I?” You begin questioning your new-found life. Are you happy? Are you content? Is this what you really want of your life? Are you complete?
Slowly you start staring blankly in front of your piles of paper works. And you just can’t acknowledge the fact that a part of you failed to completely erase the past. Hey, how can it possibly happen? Aren’t you over those thoughts already? Didn’t you hear yourself saying you’ve moved on? You try hard to mask yourself from these thoughts incessantly haunting you until your last yawn at night.
Unfair isn’t it? You had to take that long agonizing ride to get your life back, just to be rattled by a song… a note… a scent… a memory that you’ve tried to put behind you. Is it really over? It may be years already. A thought, just a mere thought of your endless what-ifs, will eventually wreck what you’ve struggled to have now. And you can’t just let it happen. You convince yourself that you’re not dumb enough to go through that misery all over again.
It’s been a while. And you’ve already regained yourself, your pride. You’ve learned how brilliant you are, how remarkably beautiful… You realized your worth. You realized that somewhere, something better awaits you… something that was especially prepared for you to discover, treasure, and keep... this time for real.
Now, you ask. Is it really over? A wise girl who learnt to love herself the hard way would proudly say, this time with finality, yes.
Thursday, June 8, 2006
Could've Been Me (A Story)
(Just trying to be a writer here...)
Sometime in 2003: It was a typical college night with my closest buds. We had our own little worlds in front of computers, waiting to starve. Nothing out of the ordinary. I knew after dinner, I would just go back to dorm, do my homework and go to bed.
Having had enough of emails, mp3s and Orisinal games, I insisted on having a fast dinner so I could go back to dorm. Although I didn’t say a thing, with the devilish smile plastered on their faces, I knew besides dinner, there would be something else.
And there he was! He just popped from nowhere, with that incredibly friendly smile, as if anticipating my bewilderment. He insisted taking all my stuffs placed on the chair beside me, took his seat, and plainly said hello. Right there, I knew, my life would never be the same again.
We became friends… really good friends. We spent most dinners together (at first as a group). Then one strange night before my finals in Taxation, I received a message from him, asking if we could have dinner, just the two of us... I didn’t mind at all, since we’ve been spending most of our time together talking nonstop about anything and everything we could think about. And that night was just the same as the others – lots of fun. Boy, I almost flunked my finals because of that.
Since then, we began to hang out more often. He was the one who hooked me on playing billiards. We watched countless movies together. We always stayed up late at the dorm lobby, with all those ghost stories… I could still hear Manong Guard say “Hoy, gabi na, pasok na sa loob.” Then I’d just laugh about it, knowing that Manong Sungit knew nothing about being in love.
It was fun being with him. He loved doing all those nasty exhibitions, and I’d laugh hard because of his silliness. He never ran out of hilarious stories to tell that never failed me to gasp for air in laughter.
Everybody assumed that we were a couple, or would soon be. Who wouldn’t think so? With all the extra special stuffs he’d been doin for me, I myself was even wondering how to define us…
But neither of us spoke anything about “us”. Nobody even made an attempt to throw a question. I knew he was special, but I never wanted to assume that he felt the same. Even with a smudge of perplexity, I was pretty content with the kind of “friendship” we had, hoping that soon when he had the courage to clear things out, we’d live happily ever after.
Big mistake. The moment we began being busy with school, we talked less and less. For months I was wondering how he was doing, and why hadn’t he dropped by to give me the usual pasalubong? I wanted to call him and ask him to play billiards again, or watch a movie again. But I was too afraid that he might just turn me down. Too proud that if he didn’t have the nerve to give me a ring, why should I?
Everything went back to normal, I stayed late staring at the computer, browsing and checking mails, this time – alone. I went to school, did my homework, and went to bed ready for the next day with the same routine. All the fun I had spent with him seemed to have happened centuries ago. All I could do was hope that as the term ended, he would just pop again from nowhere with that incredibly friendly smile, then everything would be just the same.
But it didn’t. The next thing I knew, he was involved with somebody else. I refused to believe he loved her. I couldn’t picture him doin exactly the same stuffs he used to do for me. I was devastated that I had to spend my 3 am’s cleaning my entire room, taking care of my roommate who got drunk, instead of me.
D’Sound became my best friend. They seemed to narrate my story on purpose. Yeah, I had to wallow myself in tears, and did the pathetic things a crushed girl does. I did keep everything in a box – all the pictures, candy wrappers, tissue papers, movie tickets, roses, CDs – everything! Wishing that the pain could be locked inside together with his memories.
Years passed. We both graduated from college and still never spoke about us. We had a few chances to hang out with all our other friends, and still, nobody dared to ask a single question. I could feel the gap, the invisible wall that separated us. We would casually talk, and laugh about crazy stuffs, but we could feel that it wasn’t the same anymore, and I thought I was already numb of the pain.
Instantly, after all those years, I almost forgot about him. I had learned to move on and think of our story as something that was never real. But I knew one way or another, we would have our own closure.
Unexpectedly, just like the old times, he popped from nowhere smiling to me like he used to. Surprisingly, he seemed to have gathered all the courage he lacked a long time ago. As if he suddenly wanted to fix things that he long left hanging.
We talked. The first time we ever did. I didn’t bother asking why just now. I didn’t care what made him suddenly talk about something I thought didn’t matter anymore. Coz somehow I knew, it was something I had been waiting for. What I ought to find out was something I believed would make a difference to the entire story. Just to find myself still feeling empty.
Not a word from him made sense at all. Questions were unnecessary, coz suddenly all the explanations of what went wrong seemed to be pointless. Nobody was to blame why we ended up not with each other. It’s really true that pain does fade, as well as, maybe…love. Coz the words I love you should’ve been said a long time ago to make sense.
We hugged and said our final goodbyes. After all those years, finally, the story was over. He had to go back to his loving girlfriend who could’ve been me if we had the guts to admit the feelings we tried to bury for so long… It was too late.
._____._____._____._____._____._____._____._____.
Tattooed on My Mind
D’Sound
Maybe you’ll soon forget about all
Or maybe you’ll miss it like I do
One thing’s for sure, I’m all knocked out
Spent too much time thinking of you
And I can’t get you out of my dreams
Now I know that you’re of dangerous kind
And your smile is tattooed on my mind
And I can’t get you out my dreams
Don’t wanna write
I don’t wanna call
I would not know what to say
It should be you
That’s how I want it to be
Tell me you feel the same way
Yesterday I was feeling sad
All I do today is tryin’ to be brave
And no melody can seem to soothe my mind
And now I curse you for being so sweet and so kind
Nyahahaha, corny!!! Nyaaakkkk! =)
Sometime in 2003: It was a typical college night with my closest buds. We had our own little worlds in front of computers, waiting to starve. Nothing out of the ordinary. I knew after dinner, I would just go back to dorm, do my homework and go to bed.
Having had enough of emails, mp3s and Orisinal games, I insisted on having a fast dinner so I could go back to dorm. Although I didn’t say a thing, with the devilish smile plastered on their faces, I knew besides dinner, there would be something else.
And there he was! He just popped from nowhere, with that incredibly friendly smile, as if anticipating my bewilderment. He insisted taking all my stuffs placed on the chair beside me, took his seat, and plainly said hello. Right there, I knew, my life would never be the same again.
We became friends… really good friends. We spent most dinners together (at first as a group). Then one strange night before my finals in Taxation, I received a message from him, asking if we could have dinner, just the two of us... I didn’t mind at all, since we’ve been spending most of our time together talking nonstop about anything and everything we could think about. And that night was just the same as the others – lots of fun. Boy, I almost flunked my finals because of that.
Since then, we began to hang out more often. He was the one who hooked me on playing billiards. We watched countless movies together. We always stayed up late at the dorm lobby, with all those ghost stories… I could still hear Manong Guard say “Hoy, gabi na, pasok na sa loob.” Then I’d just laugh about it, knowing that Manong Sungit knew nothing about being in love.
It was fun being with him. He loved doing all those nasty exhibitions, and I’d laugh hard because of his silliness. He never ran out of hilarious stories to tell that never failed me to gasp for air in laughter.
Everybody assumed that we were a couple, or would soon be. Who wouldn’t think so? With all the extra special stuffs he’d been doin for me, I myself was even wondering how to define us…
But neither of us spoke anything about “us”. Nobody even made an attempt to throw a question. I knew he was special, but I never wanted to assume that he felt the same. Even with a smudge of perplexity, I was pretty content with the kind of “friendship” we had, hoping that soon when he had the courage to clear things out, we’d live happily ever after.
Big mistake. The moment we began being busy with school, we talked less and less. For months I was wondering how he was doing, and why hadn’t he dropped by to give me the usual pasalubong? I wanted to call him and ask him to play billiards again, or watch a movie again. But I was too afraid that he might just turn me down. Too proud that if he didn’t have the nerve to give me a ring, why should I?
Everything went back to normal, I stayed late staring at the computer, browsing and checking mails, this time – alone. I went to school, did my homework, and went to bed ready for the next day with the same routine. All the fun I had spent with him seemed to have happened centuries ago. All I could do was hope that as the term ended, he would just pop again from nowhere with that incredibly friendly smile, then everything would be just the same.
But it didn’t. The next thing I knew, he was involved with somebody else. I refused to believe he loved her. I couldn’t picture him doin exactly the same stuffs he used to do for me. I was devastated that I had to spend my 3 am’s cleaning my entire room, taking care of my roommate who got drunk, instead of me.
D’Sound became my best friend. They seemed to narrate my story on purpose. Yeah, I had to wallow myself in tears, and did the pathetic things a crushed girl does. I did keep everything in a box – all the pictures, candy wrappers, tissue papers, movie tickets, roses, CDs – everything! Wishing that the pain could be locked inside together with his memories.
Years passed. We both graduated from college and still never spoke about us. We had a few chances to hang out with all our other friends, and still, nobody dared to ask a single question. I could feel the gap, the invisible wall that separated us. We would casually talk, and laugh about crazy stuffs, but we could feel that it wasn’t the same anymore, and I thought I was already numb of the pain.
Instantly, after all those years, I almost forgot about him. I had learned to move on and think of our story as something that was never real. But I knew one way or another, we would have our own closure.
Unexpectedly, just like the old times, he popped from nowhere smiling to me like he used to. Surprisingly, he seemed to have gathered all the courage he lacked a long time ago. As if he suddenly wanted to fix things that he long left hanging.
We talked. The first time we ever did. I didn’t bother asking why just now. I didn’t care what made him suddenly talk about something I thought didn’t matter anymore. Coz somehow I knew, it was something I had been waiting for. What I ought to find out was something I believed would make a difference to the entire story. Just to find myself still feeling empty.
Not a word from him made sense at all. Questions were unnecessary, coz suddenly all the explanations of what went wrong seemed to be pointless. Nobody was to blame why we ended up not with each other. It’s really true that pain does fade, as well as, maybe…love. Coz the words I love you should’ve been said a long time ago to make sense.
We hugged and said our final goodbyes. After all those years, finally, the story was over. He had to go back to his loving girlfriend who could’ve been me if we had the guts to admit the feelings we tried to bury for so long… It was too late.
._____._____._____._____._____._____._____._____.
Tattooed on My Mind
D’Sound
Maybe you’ll soon forget about all
Or maybe you’ll miss it like I do
One thing’s for sure, I’m all knocked out
Spent too much time thinking of you
And I can’t get you out of my dreams
Now I know that you’re of dangerous kind
And your smile is tattooed on my mind
And I can’t get you out my dreams
Don’t wanna write
I don’t wanna call
I would not know what to say
It should be you
That’s how I want it to be
Tell me you feel the same way
Yesterday I was feeling sad
All I do today is tryin’ to be brave
And no melody can seem to soothe my mind
And now I curse you for being so sweet and so kind
Nyahahaha, corny!!! Nyaaakkkk! =)
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