I have very few Valentine's day memories. Even when I was in a relationship, I can barely remember what really happened. For the longest time, Valentine's day meant nothing to me. Absolutely nothing. But for the first time in my 28 years, I think I am going to have something concrete to remember.
Like the previous years, I had no plans for today except that. I planned to cook for my dad but I didn't have the time to buy ingredients. So I just came home from a supposedly meeting which turned out to be nothing. I walked home trying to get myself together from what seemed to be a flooding of past emotions. And I told myself, I'm bigger than this. I'm better than this. This couldn't be happening again.
I found myself singing "You Are For Me" by Kari Jobe. And I was reminded of how strongly God met me at the lowest moments of my life. I tried to control my tears. I didn't want other people to think I was devastated from spending Valentine's alone.
While I was near home, out of nowhere, a thought just came to me: This will be the last time you are walking alone on Valentine's day. Then, even with the pain still trying to work its way through my system, I felt peace. I felt security. I felt love.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Thursday, November 3, 2011
When You Have to Wait
Waiting has almost lost its place in the dictionary these days. People no longer understand what it means to wait. Your pizza delivery is late for one minute and the pizza store promises it’s free. That may be the price for not being true to a commitment, but that can also be seen as a reward for being impatient.
Why marinate when you can microwave? Why prefer something that would take too long over something that can be yours in one click? Would the taste be different? Would the satisfaction be any better?
Waiting is hardly considered an art, but an agony. When things don’t go the way you want them to and when you want them to, how desperately you would try to turn things around just to have it your way. To fit it into your own timetable.
However, while there are things in life that can be yours without having to think about and mope around for before you get, there remains those that are uncertain and are just beyond your control. And screaming at the top of your lungs “RIGHT NOW!” doesn’t just get you anywhere.
Waiting is a test. A test of character. A test of faith. It brings us to a point of humility that not everything is under our control. It leads us to acceptance of the circumstances that are way beyond us. It tells us that the delay does not necessarily mean denial of whatever we are waiting for. It teaches us how not to settle for anything less and expect for the best. It gives us room to check our own hearts and motives. Is this really what I need, or do I deserve something better? Am I really ready for this or do I want it now just for my own self-centered desires?
You see, there is more than just getting what you want when you want it. There is a season and reason for everything. It may not be in sync with our own calendar and we may not understand the reasons, but in stillness and trust, we get to realize that indeed, good things come to those who wait.
Why marinate when you can microwave? Why prefer something that would take too long over something that can be yours in one click? Would the taste be different? Would the satisfaction be any better?
Waiting is hardly considered an art, but an agony. When things don’t go the way you want them to and when you want them to, how desperately you would try to turn things around just to have it your way. To fit it into your own timetable.
However, while there are things in life that can be yours without having to think about and mope around for before you get, there remains those that are uncertain and are just beyond your control. And screaming at the top of your lungs “RIGHT NOW!” doesn’t just get you anywhere.
Waiting is a test. A test of character. A test of faith. It brings us to a point of humility that not everything is under our control. It leads us to acceptance of the circumstances that are way beyond us. It tells us that the delay does not necessarily mean denial of whatever we are waiting for. It teaches us how not to settle for anything less and expect for the best. It gives us room to check our own hearts and motives. Is this really what I need, or do I deserve something better? Am I really ready for this or do I want it now just for my own self-centered desires?
You see, there is more than just getting what you want when you want it. There is a season and reason for everything. It may not be in sync with our own calendar and we may not understand the reasons, but in stillness and trust, we get to realize that indeed, good things come to those who wait.
Friday, August 5, 2011
A Fairy Tale
The Beginning.
Once there was a warrior. He was a mercenary - a hired sword. He had no position or any title of respect, but the people looked up to him for his courage and success.
The Task.
The king of majesty called for the warrior. He hired him to slay a dragon. It was no ordinary enemy. The dragon was the size of 2 volcanoes... and as fierce and fiery as such.
"Count all that you have earned in your previous battles and you will receive a reward tenfold. And even own a land flowing with milk and honey and earn the title of a prince. This is your promised land."
Now the king knew the warrior was not ready. He gave his best soldiers to train with him in all aspects and styles of the bow and the sword. The king lent him machines of war. Ballistae, catapults and chariots. The warrior trained in the king's kingdom and courts.
The Princess.
In the king's courts lived the princess. She was the loveliest and the most adorable woman in her kingdom - a daughter of the most high King. She led the healers and the nurses of the kingdom, welcoming the sick, the needy, the oppressed and the poor into the kingdom courts. People looked up to her for her beauty and compassion.
She remained in their kingdom all her life. Although she was always summoned for service in most of the kingdom’s affairs, she still had a very few encounter with all the other dwellers of the kingdom.
She spent her early mornings up in the tallest tower of the castle, gazing at the perfect view far beyond the walls of the kingdom. There she began her days before she would do all her tasks.
The Meeting.
One morning the princess heard a disturbance going on inside their courts. Men, young and old, were training. They were preparing themselves for a huge battle, maybe something very critical. She learned about the dragon threatening their kingdom.
As the princess spent that particular morning up in the tower, she watched the men train. What could a sheltered, helpless princess do? If only she were strong enough to go against the dragon herself.
She noticed one particular warrior who stood out in the training. From afar, he seemed very stern and focused on what he was doing. She had never seen anyone in their kingdom who trained with his bow and sword with great fervor. The princess knew that the king’s choice was perfect and she gained confidence that their kingdom was in good hands. Maybe she would meet the warrior face to face someday.
The princess learned to like him. Only once did the prince lose in one of his sparring with his men - it was when he first looked up into the palace court windows and his eyes met hers. A soldier knocked him to his knees. The princess chuckled.
Day by day, she would watch the warrior train. Day by day he would look up the palace courts. The warrior could not help but admire her beauty and stature. She was the loveliest woman he has ever seen. But seeing the princess, he would immediately look away.
He knew he was just a mercenary - no position or any title of respect. Day by day, he dreamed of slaying the dragon, owning the promised land, and becoming a prince that he would someday come with confidence to the princess.
The Night.
That night while the princess was marveling the evening sky, she noticed how restless the mercenary was. The princess went to the royal kitchen and gathered all her servants.
"Come, cook with me. We will cook a most refreshing recipe that only I have known."
The princess walked across the kingdom into the warrior's chambers. Famished as he was, the princess was sure the mere scent of her food would wake the warrior up. She laughed at the thought of it. Little did she know, there was a trap in lay for her.
The Fire.
A big explosion was heard. Fire spread throughout the kingdom and the princess saw a gigantic reptile hand reaching for her. She tried to run, but it was too late. She was afraid.
In a blink of an eye, she found herself already off mid-air and before her was the most hideous face she had ever seen. She was taken captive by the dragon.
The princess heard everyone shouting, “The dragon is here! The dragon is here and it has captured the princess!” The princess was horrified that she didn’t have the strength to scream for help.
The Dilemma.
The warrior ran as fast as he could only to see the giant of a dragon miles away from the kingdom gates. As he gasped for air, a voice echoed across the walls: the voice of the dragon.
"I know your scent my warrior. I know your scent. And I know you are to become a prince and I envy you. Now, listen well my warrior. I will lock away your princess in the most complicated maze ever created. You have three choices."
The Choices.
number ONE: "Pursue her now in this maze. What is the probability that you will find her? What is the probability that you will not? Pursue her now and rescue her, but if you fail to find her in your first try, the princess will burn."
number TWO: "Or you can try to kill me now my warrior. Pursue me now and slay me. What is the probability that I will die? What is the probability that I will not? You have been training with an army, are you not? Slay me and the maze will disappear."
number THREE: "Lastly my dear warrior. You know the edict. It is in the law that whoever rescues a kidnapped princess will have her hand in marriage, is it not? If you wait and let anyone else pursue her, the princess will live and marry another. Princes from far away kingdoms will come, will they not? But the difference between you and them is this: they are not limited to their first chances. What is the probability that they will find her? What is the probability that they will not?"
"Oh, the look in your face my dear warrior. Vengeance is sweet, is it not? What will you choose my warrior?"
The Fear.
It all happened so fast. In just a moment, the princess was locked in a dark dungeon. She peeked through the small window and saw a maze in front of her. Fear was starting to wrap her in the darkness when she heard the echoing voice of the dragon.
The princess was deeply troubled. What did the warrior choose?
She may burn any moment if the warrior chose to rescue her now and fail. If he decided to pursue the dragon, he may get killed. She had been watching him train every day and no matter how intense his training was, the dragon remained a huge opponent.
The Risk.
Now, the warrior knew the first choice will get the princess killed. Serendipity does not belong here. He contemplated on pursuing the dragon, but he knew he was not ready. His men were not ready. If he wanted the princess to live, the third choice will be the best option. He tried his best to stop himself from weeping. He tried to be calm, but he did not know what to do. So he went back to the palace and asked the King.
He came before the throne and knelt down.
The king spoke, "I know. What is the wisest thing to do? You choose. Remember your promised land."
After hours of thinking and kneeling down before his king, the warrior made his decision."
The Choice.
He went out of the palace to train with his men. He knew that the only choice was to defeat the dragon. It was his duty. It was his calling from His king. But the time was not now. He knew that training even more would be his way of slowly and surely defeating the dragon.
Everyday he shouted out battle commands. Everyday, he taught his men on how to handle the bow and the sword. Everyday was painful for him as he hears that thousands of princes went to the maze to rescue the princess. Everyday, he would wake up and sing hymns with the lute and the lyre at the King's courts before training with his men.
Everyday, he would hear the voice of the dragon. But everyday, he would also remind himself of the voice of the King, "Remember the promised land."
He listened to the voice of the King. He focused. That was his choice.
The Wait.
Inside the dungeon, the princess realized she was not the only princess kidnapped, and worse, the others have met an ill fate. Some princesses were burned. Their princes failed their first attempts to figure out the maze. While some princesses grew old in that dark dungeon. Their princes fought the dragon and had failed.
All the princess could do was wait… wait for her warrior to rescue her, or for some other prince bold enough to find her.
Day by day, a rescuer would come by the dungeon, shouting her name. But the princess realized she didn’t want any other prince to save her. So she hid. She would let the older ones be rescued, but she herself would not go. Day by day, she would hear a prince calling her name and she would hide. Day by day was painful for her for she would be tempted to come out of her hiding and earn her freedom. She remembered the edict. She did not want to marry another. She would hide until the maze disappears. She was not sure where he is now, but she waited for the warrior.
She spent every day weeping for the fate that was in front of her. The warrior must find her.
While the princess was mourning, the image of her king appeared before her. “Why are you downcast, my princess? You know I can set you free right here, right now. But I won’t do that. Be patient, for you will be rescued.”
“How long shall I wait my King?” She asked. Her eyes welling up with tears.
“Have faith on me, my princess. You will be rescued. I shall never leave you.”
Worry started to dissolve as the princess remembered her king’s promise. The king has sent someone to do the master plan: to slay the dragon. And she will be freed.
And while she waited, she remembered how the world looked from the tallest tower of the castle. There’s a lot of work to be done in their kingdom. She imagined herself fulfilling her call as the king’s princess. She needed to be still. She ought to have hope.
She made a decision. And again, she waited.
The Battle.
The time came for the warrior to face his dragon. The battle formations were perfect. His army surrounded the now awaken dragon.The dragon deflected arrows, missiles, and great boulders of fire - some sank deep into its scales, some would be deflected into the maze she was in. It would flap its left wing and send chariots flying, its right wing and send archers sprawling. The battle was fierce and the night was a hurricane.
The Stars.
While the dragon was diverted into deflecting attacks, there were ten men climbing off its back. When finally four of them were aligned at its spine, five at its neck and one at the back of its head, the soldiers stopped. From the small window of her dungeon the princess peeked and realized the one at the top was the warrior. The warrior drew his sword and motioned his men to do the same. They raised their blades and they deflected the light of the moonlight and the stars all across the battlefield. With a fierce battle cry, the warrior thrusts deep with all his strength against the dragon's scales. His men followed - into its spine, neck, and skull. The dragon was stunned and fell down. The ground shook with a final violent shake. Everyone shouted for victory.
The Taunt.
The dragon was paralyzed but his eyes were open and aware. He could see the warrior in front of him. The warrior said,
"Oh, the look in your face my dragon. Vengeance is bitter now, is it not? What will you do now,my dear dragon?"
The dragon laughed hysterically and looked into the warrior's face. But the warrior looked back at him and smirked. Behind him was the King laughing even more menacingly - with a laugh of derision. The warrior looked at his King as he gives his approval and with one final slash sent the dragon to the pits.
The warrior then looked at his men and shouted,
"For the King!"
The ground shook with so much violence. Arrows, missiles, and burning catapult bullets filled the air like a looming cloud. It is said that even stars fell out of the sky.
Finally, blood filled the field like flood.
The Promise.
Then it was all quiet.
The princess waited.
The door was opened. She was blinded by the light that penetrated the dungeon.
Finally, she saw her King. And with him was her warrior. For the first time he looked directly at her eyes without ever looking away. He was the prince after all.
The End.
Written by rjs with insights from peb
Once there was a warrior. He was a mercenary - a hired sword. He had no position or any title of respect, but the people looked up to him for his courage and success.
The Task.
The king of majesty called for the warrior. He hired him to slay a dragon. It was no ordinary enemy. The dragon was the size of 2 volcanoes... and as fierce and fiery as such.
"Count all that you have earned in your previous battles and you will receive a reward tenfold. And even own a land flowing with milk and honey and earn the title of a prince. This is your promised land."
Now the king knew the warrior was not ready. He gave his best soldiers to train with him in all aspects and styles of the bow and the sword. The king lent him machines of war. Ballistae, catapults and chariots. The warrior trained in the king's kingdom and courts.
The Princess.
In the king's courts lived the princess. She was the loveliest and the most adorable woman in her kingdom - a daughter of the most high King. She led the healers and the nurses of the kingdom, welcoming the sick, the needy, the oppressed and the poor into the kingdom courts. People looked up to her for her beauty and compassion.
She remained in their kingdom all her life. Although she was always summoned for service in most of the kingdom’s affairs, she still had a very few encounter with all the other dwellers of the kingdom.
She spent her early mornings up in the tallest tower of the castle, gazing at the perfect view far beyond the walls of the kingdom. There she began her days before she would do all her tasks.
The Meeting.
One morning the princess heard a disturbance going on inside their courts. Men, young and old, were training. They were preparing themselves for a huge battle, maybe something very critical. She learned about the dragon threatening their kingdom.
As the princess spent that particular morning up in the tower, she watched the men train. What could a sheltered, helpless princess do? If only she were strong enough to go against the dragon herself.
She noticed one particular warrior who stood out in the training. From afar, he seemed very stern and focused on what he was doing. She had never seen anyone in their kingdom who trained with his bow and sword with great fervor. The princess knew that the king’s choice was perfect and she gained confidence that their kingdom was in good hands. Maybe she would meet the warrior face to face someday.
The princess learned to like him. Only once did the prince lose in one of his sparring with his men - it was when he first looked up into the palace court windows and his eyes met hers. A soldier knocked him to his knees. The princess chuckled.
Day by day, she would watch the warrior train. Day by day he would look up the palace courts. The warrior could not help but admire her beauty and stature. She was the loveliest woman he has ever seen. But seeing the princess, he would immediately look away.
He knew he was just a mercenary - no position or any title of respect. Day by day, he dreamed of slaying the dragon, owning the promised land, and becoming a prince that he would someday come with confidence to the princess.
The Night.
That night while the princess was marveling the evening sky, she noticed how restless the mercenary was. The princess went to the royal kitchen and gathered all her servants.
"Come, cook with me. We will cook a most refreshing recipe that only I have known."
The princess walked across the kingdom into the warrior's chambers. Famished as he was, the princess was sure the mere scent of her food would wake the warrior up. She laughed at the thought of it. Little did she know, there was a trap in lay for her.
The Fire.
A big explosion was heard. Fire spread throughout the kingdom and the princess saw a gigantic reptile hand reaching for her. She tried to run, but it was too late. She was afraid.
In a blink of an eye, she found herself already off mid-air and before her was the most hideous face she had ever seen. She was taken captive by the dragon.
The princess heard everyone shouting, “The dragon is here! The dragon is here and it has captured the princess!” The princess was horrified that she didn’t have the strength to scream for help.
The Dilemma.
The warrior ran as fast as he could only to see the giant of a dragon miles away from the kingdom gates. As he gasped for air, a voice echoed across the walls: the voice of the dragon.
"I know your scent my warrior. I know your scent. And I know you are to become a prince and I envy you. Now, listen well my warrior. I will lock away your princess in the most complicated maze ever created. You have three choices."
The Choices.
number ONE: "Pursue her now in this maze. What is the probability that you will find her? What is the probability that you will not? Pursue her now and rescue her, but if you fail to find her in your first try, the princess will burn."
number TWO: "Or you can try to kill me now my warrior. Pursue me now and slay me. What is the probability that I will die? What is the probability that I will not? You have been training with an army, are you not? Slay me and the maze will disappear."
number THREE: "Lastly my dear warrior. You know the edict. It is in the law that whoever rescues a kidnapped princess will have her hand in marriage, is it not? If you wait and let anyone else pursue her, the princess will live and marry another. Princes from far away kingdoms will come, will they not? But the difference between you and them is this: they are not limited to their first chances. What is the probability that they will find her? What is the probability that they will not?"
"Oh, the look in your face my dear warrior. Vengeance is sweet, is it not? What will you choose my warrior?"
The Fear.
It all happened so fast. In just a moment, the princess was locked in a dark dungeon. She peeked through the small window and saw a maze in front of her. Fear was starting to wrap her in the darkness when she heard the echoing voice of the dragon.
The princess was deeply troubled. What did the warrior choose?
She may burn any moment if the warrior chose to rescue her now and fail. If he decided to pursue the dragon, he may get killed. She had been watching him train every day and no matter how intense his training was, the dragon remained a huge opponent.
The Risk.
Now, the warrior knew the first choice will get the princess killed. Serendipity does not belong here. He contemplated on pursuing the dragon, but he knew he was not ready. His men were not ready. If he wanted the princess to live, the third choice will be the best option. He tried his best to stop himself from weeping. He tried to be calm, but he did not know what to do. So he went back to the palace and asked the King.
He came before the throne and knelt down.
The king spoke, "I know. What is the wisest thing to do? You choose. Remember your promised land."
After hours of thinking and kneeling down before his king, the warrior made his decision."
The Choice.
He went out of the palace to train with his men. He knew that the only choice was to defeat the dragon. It was his duty. It was his calling from His king. But the time was not now. He knew that training even more would be his way of slowly and surely defeating the dragon.
Everyday he shouted out battle commands. Everyday, he taught his men on how to handle the bow and the sword. Everyday was painful for him as he hears that thousands of princes went to the maze to rescue the princess. Everyday, he would wake up and sing hymns with the lute and the lyre at the King's courts before training with his men.
Everyday, he would hear the voice of the dragon. But everyday, he would also remind himself of the voice of the King, "Remember the promised land."
He listened to the voice of the King. He focused. That was his choice.
The Wait.
Inside the dungeon, the princess realized she was not the only princess kidnapped, and worse, the others have met an ill fate. Some princesses were burned. Their princes failed their first attempts to figure out the maze. While some princesses grew old in that dark dungeon. Their princes fought the dragon and had failed.
All the princess could do was wait… wait for her warrior to rescue her, or for some other prince bold enough to find her.
Day by day, a rescuer would come by the dungeon, shouting her name. But the princess realized she didn’t want any other prince to save her. So she hid. She would let the older ones be rescued, but she herself would not go. Day by day, she would hear a prince calling her name and she would hide. Day by day was painful for her for she would be tempted to come out of her hiding and earn her freedom. She remembered the edict. She did not want to marry another. She would hide until the maze disappears. She was not sure where he is now, but she waited for the warrior.
She spent every day weeping for the fate that was in front of her. The warrior must find her.
While the princess was mourning, the image of her king appeared before her. “Why are you downcast, my princess? You know I can set you free right here, right now. But I won’t do that. Be patient, for you will be rescued.”
“How long shall I wait my King?” She asked. Her eyes welling up with tears.
“Have faith on me, my princess. You will be rescued. I shall never leave you.”
Worry started to dissolve as the princess remembered her king’s promise. The king has sent someone to do the master plan: to slay the dragon. And she will be freed.
And while she waited, she remembered how the world looked from the tallest tower of the castle. There’s a lot of work to be done in their kingdom. She imagined herself fulfilling her call as the king’s princess. She needed to be still. She ought to have hope.
She made a decision. And again, she waited.
The Battle.
The time came for the warrior to face his dragon. The battle formations were perfect. His army surrounded the now awaken dragon.The dragon deflected arrows, missiles, and great boulders of fire - some sank deep into its scales, some would be deflected into the maze she was in. It would flap its left wing and send chariots flying, its right wing and send archers sprawling. The battle was fierce and the night was a hurricane.
The Stars.
While the dragon was diverted into deflecting attacks, there were ten men climbing off its back. When finally four of them were aligned at its spine, five at its neck and one at the back of its head, the soldiers stopped. From the small window of her dungeon the princess peeked and realized the one at the top was the warrior. The warrior drew his sword and motioned his men to do the same. They raised their blades and they deflected the light of the moonlight and the stars all across the battlefield. With a fierce battle cry, the warrior thrusts deep with all his strength against the dragon's scales. His men followed - into its spine, neck, and skull. The dragon was stunned and fell down. The ground shook with a final violent shake. Everyone shouted for victory.
The Taunt.
The dragon was paralyzed but his eyes were open and aware. He could see the warrior in front of him. The warrior said,
"Oh, the look in your face my dragon. Vengeance is bitter now, is it not? What will you do now,my dear dragon?"
The dragon laughed hysterically and looked into the warrior's face. But the warrior looked back at him and smirked. Behind him was the King laughing even more menacingly - with a laugh of derision. The warrior looked at his King as he gives his approval and with one final slash sent the dragon to the pits.
The warrior then looked at his men and shouted,
"For the King!"
The ground shook with so much violence. Arrows, missiles, and burning catapult bullets filled the air like a looming cloud. It is said that even stars fell out of the sky.
Finally, blood filled the field like flood.
The Promise.
Then it was all quiet.
The princess waited.
The door was opened. She was blinded by the light that penetrated the dungeon.
Finally, she saw her King. And with him was her warrior. For the first time he looked directly at her eyes without ever looking away. He was the prince after all.
The End.
Written by rjs with insights from peb
Friday, April 8, 2011
The Other Side
Darkness.
Inside is nothing but total darkness. You see nothing but fear enclosing you in. You feel nothing but sorrow and pain. You sense nothing but defeat.
You remain motionless. Seeking. Yet frightened.
You open your eyes wide. And you see that tiny spark you have never seen before. As you move closer, you begin to sense comfort. You begin to see freedom. You sense hope.
Then you realize you’ve been trapped all your life. You realize you’ve never seen light before because you’ve been well acquainted with darkness. But from where you are, it is leading you.
The question is… are you allowing it to take you to the other side?
Inside is nothing but total darkness. You see nothing but fear enclosing you in. You feel nothing but sorrow and pain. You sense nothing but defeat.
You remain motionless. Seeking. Yet frightened.
You open your eyes wide. And you see that tiny spark you have never seen before. As you move closer, you begin to sense comfort. You begin to see freedom. You sense hope.
Then you realize you’ve been trapped all your life. You realize you’ve never seen light before because you’ve been well acquainted with darkness. But from where you are, it is leading you.
The question is… are you allowing it to take you to the other side?
Under the Scorching Heat
Couldn’t open my eyes. Couldn’t get off the bed. Still I was able to text my boss: Ma’am, can I go half day? My body’s sore. As soon as I read ok, I was dead. Came back to life at around 9:30. In between, I woke twice. One in my dream where I thought I was already prepping for work. Next was the real one where I was surprised that I was still asleep the whole time! Talk about dreaming in your dream. Weird.
Anyway.
Gotta go to work! So I hurried.
Turned my IPod on, singing praise songs in my head. Sometimes I do get strong urge to sing out loud and lift my hands. Phew! Grateful I still get some form of restraint.
Nearing my drop-off point.
Saw the scorching heat even with my shades on. I simply said… “Lord, it's hot…” By the time I got off the jeep, the sky was already covered with clouds.
I smiled at the extreme sweetness of God.
I don’t want to be overly spiritual on stuffs, but as I walked, technically covered from the heat of the sun, I felt like God is telling me that…
under intense circumstances in life, He will cover me…
under extreme troubles trapping me in, He will protect me…
under impossibilities, he will wrap me with his love…
under all difficulties, he will hide me under his wings.
Ah, how sweet it is to be loved like that!
Anyway.
Gotta go to work! So I hurried.
Turned my IPod on, singing praise songs in my head. Sometimes I do get strong urge to sing out loud and lift my hands. Phew! Grateful I still get some form of restraint.
Nearing my drop-off point.
Saw the scorching heat even with my shades on. I simply said… “Lord, it's hot…” By the time I got off the jeep, the sky was already covered with clouds.
I smiled at the extreme sweetness of God.
I don’t want to be overly spiritual on stuffs, but as I walked, technically covered from the heat of the sun, I felt like God is telling me that…
under intense circumstances in life, He will cover me…
under extreme troubles trapping me in, He will protect me…
under impossibilities, he will wrap me with his love…
under all difficulties, he will hide me under his wings.
Ah, how sweet it is to be loved like that!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Thursdays Were Never the Same Again
I cannot say I’ve shared my entire life with him. We’ve been together for only 2 years. As reserved and guarded as I am, I opened up to him very seldom. If I remember it right, I didn’t even like him that much when I first saw him.
I can no longer recall how I started to warm up with him. Maybe because we spent too many Thursdays together in Starbucks or Hungry Hippo or Mister Donut. Um, well, not really in Starbucks. We’re kuripot.
Then I just found myself always looking forward to those Thursdays. Maybe we always ended up laughing our hearts out, but mind you, we still got things done! And it was when I realized that sharing the same vision with the same passion with the same people makes the bond much stronger than I expected.
That was the beginning… And the little child in me thought it would always be that way. Thursdays spent together. Working plans out together. Sharing joy and victory together. I was not prepared for sudden shift on things.
True, plans were accomplished. And along with it new people were met. New tasks needed to be worked on. Our little world suddenly became wide. And of course it was a thrill. We’ve always wanted that.
Except for the fact that Thursdays were never the same again.
When I learned that he was getting married, I cried. I, myself, couldn’t believe that. I felt like I was losing a dear brother. And I thought: Is it going to be like this with all the people I love? Man, was that heartbreakingly scary!
But after some time inside that shell, I realized some things are not meant to stay the same forever. Okay, it’s not like a new concept. I’ve known of that before and have heard of it countless times, alright? But sometimes, things just make sense to you for the first time and you appreciate it in a unique way.
And with that, perspective changed. Thursdays may still never be the same, but changed Thursdays is actually a lovely thing. More room to grow. More people to share them with. More laughter. More life. More love.
And did I just say I felt like losing a brother? Nah. Now, I am just thrilled to have gained a new sister.
I can no longer recall how I started to warm up with him. Maybe because we spent too many Thursdays together in Starbucks or Hungry Hippo or Mister Donut. Um, well, not really in Starbucks. We’re kuripot.
Then I just found myself always looking forward to those Thursdays. Maybe we always ended up laughing our hearts out, but mind you, we still got things done! And it was when I realized that sharing the same vision with the same passion with the same people makes the bond much stronger than I expected.
That was the beginning… And the little child in me thought it would always be that way. Thursdays spent together. Working plans out together. Sharing joy and victory together. I was not prepared for sudden shift on things.
True, plans were accomplished. And along with it new people were met. New tasks needed to be worked on. Our little world suddenly became wide. And of course it was a thrill. We’ve always wanted that.
Except for the fact that Thursdays were never the same again.
When I learned that he was getting married, I cried. I, myself, couldn’t believe that. I felt like I was losing a dear brother. And I thought: Is it going to be like this with all the people I love? Man, was that heartbreakingly scary!
But after some time inside that shell, I realized some things are not meant to stay the same forever. Okay, it’s not like a new concept. I’ve known of that before and have heard of it countless times, alright? But sometimes, things just make sense to you for the first time and you appreciate it in a unique way.
And with that, perspective changed. Thursdays may still never be the same, but changed Thursdays is actually a lovely thing. More room to grow. More people to share them with. More laughter. More life. More love.
And did I just say I felt like losing a brother? Nah. Now, I am just thrilled to have gained a new sister.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
The Story of the Cookie
Italiannis. Mang Inasal. Cookies.
Those were the food on top of my mind when I was nearing the end of my 7-turned-10-day fast.
For the past 10 days, I must say I might have forgotten the feeling of being physically full. Instead, I got acquainted with the feeling of dizziness and weakness.*
On my last day of fasting, while I was being tortured by the aroma of all the dishes being prepared for the celebration of the town's fiesta, an image of a cookie suddenly popped into my head. Yes. A cookie. Big, luscious, chocolate-coated cookie. I immediately included it on my virtual list of the things I would stuff my mouth with as soon as I got the chance. And I uttered a quick prayer: Lord, I want cookies...
Little did I know I was up for a grand surprise. That same day, I was about to meet with a friend I haven't seen for maybe a month or so. And guess what she was holding inside that brown bag fully protected by a cute purple plastic bag? Yeah! Cookies! Boy, was I thrilled! You can imagine me: wide eyes, wide smile, on the verge of jumping in front of everyone at the bus station!
Some might think I'm such a child to take such a great pleasure with simple cookies. Maybe I am. But having felt the sweetness of God through a loving friend makes me beam with delight! And I will never trade such moments that I get to experience so quickly God's sweet love with chocolate chips on top! <3
*But of course all the hunger and the missing to chew food were all worth the spiritual feeding I got! Finished by such a great surprise! =)
Those were the food on top of my mind when I was nearing the end of my 7-turned-10-day fast.
For the past 10 days, I must say I might have forgotten the feeling of being physically full. Instead, I got acquainted with the feeling of dizziness and weakness.*
On my last day of fasting, while I was being tortured by the aroma of all the dishes being prepared for the celebration of the town's fiesta, an image of a cookie suddenly popped into my head. Yes. A cookie. Big, luscious, chocolate-coated cookie. I immediately included it on my virtual list of the things I would stuff my mouth with as soon as I got the chance. And I uttered a quick prayer: Lord, I want cookies...
Little did I know I was up for a grand surprise. That same day, I was about to meet with a friend I haven't seen for maybe a month or so. And guess what she was holding inside that brown bag fully protected by a cute purple plastic bag? Yeah! Cookies! Boy, was I thrilled! You can imagine me: wide eyes, wide smile, on the verge of jumping in front of everyone at the bus station!
Some might think I'm such a child to take such a great pleasure with simple cookies. Maybe I am. But having felt the sweetness of God through a loving friend makes me beam with delight! And I will never trade such moments that I get to experience so quickly God's sweet love with chocolate chips on top! <3
*But of course all the hunger and the missing to chew food were all worth the spiritual feeding I got! Finished by such a great surprise! =)
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Day 4: The Walls Will Crumble
The wall may look sturdy. It may look unmovable. It may look undefeatable.
But don’t miss out the one thing that outweighs all the impossible.
God’s immeasurable power. Overflowing grace. Indescribable goodness.
What could be more outrageous than the Israelites marching around the walls of Jericho for seven days and expect it to fall down? (Joshua 6:1-27)
But they did! They believed. And the walls fell down.
I can never comprehend the ways of God. I simply stand amazed that what he did in the past, he is still capable of doing up to this very minute, for he never changes.
As I read the passage for the nth time in Day 4, I was awestruck. For the nth time. After this 7-day prayer and fasting, could we be more excited to see all the walls of our life, of our families, of the church and of this nation crumble down?
Just make sure we are standing there to witness it before our very eyes.
Can’t believe it’s Day 5! =)
But don’t miss out the one thing that outweighs all the impossible.
God’s immeasurable power. Overflowing grace. Indescribable goodness.
What could be more outrageous than the Israelites marching around the walls of Jericho for seven days and expect it to fall down? (Joshua 6:1-27)
But they did! They believed. And the walls fell down.
I can never comprehend the ways of God. I simply stand amazed that what he did in the past, he is still capable of doing up to this very minute, for he never changes.
As I read the passage for the nth time in Day 4, I was awestruck. For the nth time. After this 7-day prayer and fasting, could we be more excited to see all the walls of our life, of our families, of the church and of this nation crumble down?
Just make sure we are standing there to witness it before our very eyes.
Can’t believe it’s Day 5! =)
Friday, January 7, 2011
Day 1: Courage (The Fear of Being Labeled a Weirdo)
I was kind of shying away from my officemates who asked me why I didn't join them for lunch. I didn’t know how to react nor explain what I’m doing. I didn’t want to sound too spiritual or worse, religious. I was a bit scared of being labeled a weirdo or self-righteous.
But then what else could I expect? They would bug me anyway.
I felt a tug to speak up. After all, today is all about strength, courage and boldness. And I did. I told an officemate about fasting as not a religious thing but something done to seek more of God and His will in my life. I told her about the kinds of fast and that there’s no required type of fast, for whatever fast you do is a commitment with God and is definitely honored by Him.
And they all said: How can you stand not eating at all? I can never do that.
And I have only one response: It’s only by God’s grace.
Talk about being full in the middle of hunger.
Talk about being strong in the middle of weakness.
Talk about hearing more when you empty yourself before God.
And finally taking the step.
<3
But then what else could I expect? They would bug me anyway.
I felt a tug to speak up. After all, today is all about strength, courage and boldness. And I did. I told an officemate about fasting as not a religious thing but something done to seek more of God and His will in my life. I told her about the kinds of fast and that there’s no required type of fast, for whatever fast you do is a commitment with God and is definitely honored by Him.
And they all said: How can you stand not eating at all? I can never do that.
And I have only one response: It’s only by God’s grace.
Talk about being full in the middle of hunger.
Talk about being strong in the middle of weakness.
Talk about hearing more when you empty yourself before God.
And finally taking the step.
<3
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Calloused
I heard it again. Then I knew I made the right decision.
I can't lie.
It's not that I haven't done it in my entire life. I'm just not very good at it. You won't miss it if I try to lie. I fidget. I can't fix my gaze. I stammer. It feels terribly wrong. It's awful.
I don't want to hear any lie either. It gives me a very uneasy feeling. It makes me quiver. It makes me doubt. It makes me question. If you can lie on small stuff, who knows what else you can lie about. It is a test of character. Of what truly is inside. Are you genuine? Or is it just another lie?
We can lie about a whole lot of things. From what we are doing to what we are feeling to who we really are. When we get used to a lie, it flows out of our lips so naturally that even ourselves believe it's true. When we rehearse it, it becomes a part of us in an intrinsic kind of way. It somehow becomes our reality.
And that's dangerous. It is when our hearts become calloused. We become oblivious of the gravity of it. It can lead us to its depths without us even knowing. We'll just wake up one day surprised at how far that tiny lie had led us. And we cannot even distinguish the truth from the lie anymore. It's that subtle. It's that dangerous.
Life lived in lie is a waste. It's pitiful. Because even when we're alone, we still try to make ourselves believe that lie. It might work for a while. We might think we are doing just fine, until such time that we suffer the consequences of being in bondage of that lie.
So we then try to figure out where it all started, but we just cannot trace it back. And we find ourselves wanting to get out of it, but we're stuck. Confused. Helpless. Perhaps sorry.
Because we thought all along that nobody sees what's in our hearts. That at the end of it all, we can still come out clean. But the truth is someone sees what's in our hearts. We can try to lie to the world, even to ourselves, but never to him. It is said that nothing concealed will forever be hidden. Everything has its own appointed time. And it will make itself known. No more hiding. No more pretense. No more lies.
And we think: If I can just turn back the time...
But we can't. We are doomed.
But just when we thought it's too late for us to repair the damage and to start all over again; just when we thought that the life we lived in that lie has consumed us, there remains a truth that could set us free. A truth that never changes. That we are loved by God and he has blotted all our transgressions. We can be free. He comes knocking at our hearts desiring to replace the lies by the truth of his love. And it's up to us if we would open our hearts for him.
He offers truth. He offers freedom. He offers life.
Oh by the way, I lied. After all, we're not doomed. And we can still come out clean. All because of him. =)
I heard it again. Then I knew I made the right choice.
I can't lie.
It's not that I haven't done it in my entire life. I'm just not very good at it. You won't miss it if I try to lie. I fidget. I can't fix my gaze. I stammer. It feels terribly wrong. It's awful.
I don't want to hear any lie either. It gives me a very uneasy feeling. It makes me quiver. It makes me doubt. It makes me question. If you can lie on small stuff, who knows what else you can lie about. It is a test of character. Of what truly is inside. Are you genuine? Or is it just another lie?
We can lie about a whole lot of things. From what we are doing to what we are feeling to who we really are. When we get used to a lie, it flows out of our lips so naturally that even ourselves believe it's true. When we rehearse it, it becomes a part of us in an intrinsic kind of way. It somehow becomes our reality.
And that's dangerous. It is when our hearts become calloused. We become oblivious of the gravity of it. It can lead us to its depths without us even knowing. We'll just wake up one day surprised at how far that tiny lie had led us. And we cannot even distinguish the truth from the lie anymore. It's that subtle. It's that dangerous.
Life lived in lie is a waste. It's pitiful. Because even when we're alone, we still try to make ourselves believe that lie. It might work for a while. We might think we are doing just fine, until such time that we suffer the consequences of being in bondage of that lie.
So we then try to figure out where it all started, but we just cannot trace it back. And we find ourselves wanting to get out of it, but we're stuck. Confused. Helpless. Perhaps sorry.
Because we thought all along that nobody sees what's in our hearts. That at the end of it all, we can still come out clean. But the truth is someone sees what's in our hearts. We can try to lie to the world, even to ourselves, but never to him. It is said that nothing concealed will forever be hidden. Everything has its own appointed time. And it will make itself known. No more hiding. No more pretense. No more lies.
And we think: If I can just turn back the time...
But we can't. We are doomed.
But just when we thought it's too late for us to repair the damage and to start all over again; just when we thought that the life we lived in that lie has consumed us, there remains a truth that could set us free. A truth that never changes. That we are loved by God and he has blotted all our transgressions. We can be free. He comes knocking at our hearts desiring to replace the lies by the truth of his love. And it's up to us if we would open our hearts for him.
He offers truth. He offers freedom. He offers life.
Oh by the way, I lied. After all, we're not doomed. And we can still come out clean. All because of him. =)
I heard it again. Then I knew I made the right choice.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Oh, How I Hate Alcohol!
Today, I cannot be more enthusiastic in expressing my opinion about drinking. Once in my principle-distorted life, I agreed with maybe 95% of the world population. That drinking is okay. Occasional or even hardcore drinking, I didn't really mind.
I, too, was a heavy drinker during that PDL (principle-distorted life) of mine. If I were to drink, my principle was I better get really drunk! What is the point of drinking if you're not gonna get yourself drunk? Told ya, the principle was distorted. But when I finally found a life I've never never even thought I wanted, I never had the slightest thought of going back.
Now I see people, even those close to my heart, when they drink and man, I begin to think- was I really like this before? It.was.detestable. I see no sense talking with a drunk person. It's a total waste of time. Totally pointless. It's like you're throwing your words in the air and you're just getting incoherent responses or maybe an annoying giggle. Or maybe a hiccup! And you're seeing the person waving his hand in the air shooing something isn't there trying to make a point that is even irrelevant! Oh, and they get into arguments. Absolutely senseless that fights of 4-year olds seem to have more sense!
It is annoying. But then I am the sane one. I get to control myself. After a few moments of trying to knock the person off in my head to stop him from blabbering all those nonsense talks, compassion sets in. He is not the one speaking. He isn't in control of himself. He is paralyzed by the alcohol and alcohol is the one taking over his body. His mind.
Now that's sad. Instead of hating the person, I feel compassion. Isn't it sad for a person to allow something take over his whole being and let it live in him that he just loses himself into total wastedness? (If there is such a term.)
I once allowed this thing take control of me. Like everybody else, I was blinded by the feeling it brought me- boldness to do something I normally can't do, adequacy in making a stand even in the most foolish point of discussion, portraying a tough image, or merely just the sense that I belong. Yeah, those were just some of the real reasons. Does any of it make sense?
Right now, it's too easy to see the picture clearly. I was purchased from that kind of perspective. And I'm grateful that what I decided to take over me is not something that would lead me to foolishness, but to a life that is full. A life that is secure. It's like you don't need to get the kind of high alcohol gives in order to feel alive. And brave. And capable. The alcohol doesn't give you that. It never can. You cannot hide behind the arrogance of alcohol to cover who you are. Coz at the end of the day, when you already are sober, you're still you- afraid, insecure, broken.
But the good news is, God has loved you despite your imperfections. Despite your flaws. But you won't experience that liberating love when you're drunk. Only in act of acceptance that you are not the god of your life can you allow his grace to cover you. Only in act of surrender will you experience that God is more than capable and willing to give you a life that you never thought possible. A life backed with a huge God you can be confident with. It's only a matter of choice.
The hollowness, the insecurities, the hiding can come to an end. And it's alcohol-free!
I, too, was a heavy drinker during that PDL (principle-distorted life) of mine. If I were to drink, my principle was I better get really drunk! What is the point of drinking if you're not gonna get yourself drunk? Told ya, the principle was distorted. But when I finally found a life I've never never even thought I wanted, I never had the slightest thought of going back.
Now I see people, even those close to my heart, when they drink and man, I begin to think- was I really like this before? It.was.detestable. I see no sense talking with a drunk person. It's a total waste of time. Totally pointless. It's like you're throwing your words in the air and you're just getting incoherent responses or maybe an annoying giggle. Or maybe a hiccup! And you're seeing the person waving his hand in the air shooing something isn't there trying to make a point that is even irrelevant! Oh, and they get into arguments. Absolutely senseless that fights of 4-year olds seem to have more sense!
It is annoying. But then I am the sane one. I get to control myself. After a few moments of trying to knock the person off in my head to stop him from blabbering all those nonsense talks, compassion sets in. He is not the one speaking. He isn't in control of himself. He is paralyzed by the alcohol and alcohol is the one taking over his body. His mind.
Now that's sad. Instead of hating the person, I feel compassion. Isn't it sad for a person to allow something take over his whole being and let it live in him that he just loses himself into total wastedness? (If there is such a term.)
I once allowed this thing take control of me. Like everybody else, I was blinded by the feeling it brought me- boldness to do something I normally can't do, adequacy in making a stand even in the most foolish point of discussion, portraying a tough image, or merely just the sense that I belong. Yeah, those were just some of the real reasons. Does any of it make sense?
Right now, it's too easy to see the picture clearly. I was purchased from that kind of perspective. And I'm grateful that what I decided to take over me is not something that would lead me to foolishness, but to a life that is full. A life that is secure. It's like you don't need to get the kind of high alcohol gives in order to feel alive. And brave. And capable. The alcohol doesn't give you that. It never can. You cannot hide behind the arrogance of alcohol to cover who you are. Coz at the end of the day, when you already are sober, you're still you- afraid, insecure, broken.
But the good news is, God has loved you despite your imperfections. Despite your flaws. But you won't experience that liberating love when you're drunk. Only in act of acceptance that you are not the god of your life can you allow his grace to cover you. Only in act of surrender will you experience that God is more than capable and willing to give you a life that you never thought possible. A life backed with a huge God you can be confident with. It's only a matter of choice.
The hollowness, the insecurities, the hiding can come to an end. And it's alcohol-free!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
No More Repeats
I found myself in a very familiar situation. It was as if I were transported back in time. And I couldn't believe it's happening again. The only difference is I'm wiser now. At least that's what I'd like to believe. If I weren't I wouldn't be able to realize that I'm heading to that same direction, right?
Which reminds me of a proverb that was very well explained by Andy Stanley. Well enough that it's been popping in my head when I'm in the middle of crossroads. "The prudent see danger and seek refuge, while the simple keep going and suffer for it."
You bet there's a loud red alert signal that I could see right now. Must've been there for a while, but it's only now that I really paid attention. It was almost audible I can no longer pretend to miss it.
Now the question: What would my next move make me? Prudent or simple? Will I keep going or will I seek refuge?
I cannot suffer any more for my unwise decisions. I cannot allow any more repeats. I've been taught too much. Been under a lot of test. Who wants to repeat? Not me...
Sept. 27. Psalm 1. What a great reminder to focus my eyes and delight in God. Heart check: Where is my strength? To whom do I run to for security? For protection? To whom have I entrusted the key to my heart? Ah, you won't believe how God has intervened! My heart has gone a total U-turn!
God must have been really busy teaching me. Can't say I'm the perfect student for that matter, but yeah, I am getting this now. What a long ride it has been. Really tough one, huh. I haven't graduated yet, but hey I'm not stagnating as well. And I'm not settling until He has corrected, purified and renewed every single detail my heart has to cry out to Him.
Which reminds me of a proverb that was very well explained by Andy Stanley. Well enough that it's been popping in my head when I'm in the middle of crossroads. "The prudent see danger and seek refuge, while the simple keep going and suffer for it."
You bet there's a loud red alert signal that I could see right now. Must've been there for a while, but it's only now that I really paid attention. It was almost audible I can no longer pretend to miss it.
Now the question: What would my next move make me? Prudent or simple? Will I keep going or will I seek refuge?
I cannot suffer any more for my unwise decisions. I cannot allow any more repeats. I've been taught too much. Been under a lot of test. Who wants to repeat? Not me...
Sept. 27. Psalm 1. What a great reminder to focus my eyes and delight in God. Heart check: Where is my strength? To whom do I run to for security? For protection? To whom have I entrusted the key to my heart? Ah, you won't believe how God has intervened! My heart has gone a total U-turn!
God must have been really busy teaching me. Can't say I'm the perfect student for that matter, but yeah, I am getting this now. What a long ride it has been. Really tough one, huh. I haven't graduated yet, but hey I'm not stagnating as well. And I'm not settling until He has corrected, purified and renewed every single detail my heart has to cry out to Him.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Spared
The second set.
Maybe I wasn't ready for that big blow. But I was spared from the drama of going through it. Some might say it was just a device failure. Or plain stupidity on my part, yet with spiritual eyes I smiled knowing God wouldn't want me to delay. So even with the right press of buttons, I knew it must've been Him who hasten the process. Funny and stunning. He can even work that way?
I had to restart my phone, mind you. And when I finally saw that it was all gone, totally, I just sighed. Oh, you're just making it all sound so big a deal, you might say. I wish I were just talking about messages so I could agree with you.
But you know what I got to understand and still trying to understand? The word surrender isn't a one time thing. I didn't lift it all to Him who knows what's best in one night and ended up problem-free! I guess now my pace of coping is no longer enough. God must have been that patient with me and my seemingly endless walking in circles. He had allowed me up to this point that I had to be pushed already.
Man, I don't wanna be pushed any harder than this. I have decided, I have resolved to wait upon you Lord (as the song goes). I could still be more willing, but the amount I need right now should be just enough.
It all started with messages. Who knows what I will need to give up next. In any case, God's grace is sufficient in each phase. And I choose to trust Him.
Messages Deleted 100%.
Should be a good news. I'm trying to look at it that way. I really am. But even if I still can't, I am already here. I can't back off now and I am called, if not really pushed, to move forward.
So moving forward I will do.
Maybe I wasn't ready for that big blow. But I was spared from the drama of going through it. Some might say it was just a device failure. Or plain stupidity on my part, yet with spiritual eyes I smiled knowing God wouldn't want me to delay. So even with the right press of buttons, I knew it must've been Him who hasten the process. Funny and stunning. He can even work that way?
I had to restart my phone, mind you. And when I finally saw that it was all gone, totally, I just sighed. Oh, you're just making it all sound so big a deal, you might say. I wish I were just talking about messages so I could agree with you.
But you know what I got to understand and still trying to understand? The word surrender isn't a one time thing. I didn't lift it all to Him who knows what's best in one night and ended up problem-free! I guess now my pace of coping is no longer enough. God must have been that patient with me and my seemingly endless walking in circles. He had allowed me up to this point that I had to be pushed already.
Man, I don't wanna be pushed any harder than this. I have decided, I have resolved to wait upon you Lord (as the song goes). I could still be more willing, but the amount I need right now should be just enough.
It all started with messages. Who knows what I will need to give up next. In any case, God's grace is sufficient in each phase. And I choose to trust Him.
Messages Deleted 100%.
Should be a good news. I'm trying to look at it that way. I really am. But even if I still can't, I am already here. I can't back off now and I am called, if not really pushed, to move forward.
So moving forward I will do.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Messages Deleted
50 messages? I'm not sure. I lost count already.
I just felt the need to do some urgent clean-up drive. The messages were occupying a huge space in my device memory and also in some part of my human memory I would have rather purged early on.
Was that brave or what? I think that was wise.
I needed to do that to give enough space for something new that would come. Something that deserves to take the space. The unnecessary ones need to go.
But until it's clear and certain that it's the one to stay; until the untimely become just right on time; until it's just right, I will keep on deleting.
Messages Deleted.
Whew.
I just felt the need to do some urgent clean-up drive. The messages were occupying a huge space in my device memory and also in some part of my human memory I would have rather purged early on.
Was that brave or what? I think that was wise.
I needed to do that to give enough space for something new that would come. Something that deserves to take the space. The unnecessary ones need to go.
But until it's clear and certain that it's the one to stay; until the untimely become just right on time; until it's just right, I will keep on deleting.
Messages Deleted.
Whew.
Friday, September 24, 2010
An Empty Message
Taking exams. When can I ever overcome my fear from it? Don't blame me. I have failed the most important exams in my life, if not all. I failed my college entrance exams. All universities. I failed the first and supposedly easiest part of my first job entrance exam and got kicked out of the room while the other stayed to the take the next part!
Imagine how traumatic that can be! I spent significant amount of time doubting whether I was really good enough. I was humiliated. My pride wounded.
Fortunately, that was the story of the past.
Failures always get me challenged. After failing all those exams, I said: I would avenge myself. I will prove to the whole world that I was not created to fail.
As determined as I was to redeem myself, I passed the exams the second time around. All of it. Take that huh! (Me talking to the universities who once rejected me.)
The greatest news of today: another job entrance from a company I once dreamed working for, and I PASSED! I was literally smiling the entire time since I got the letter with the word CONGRATULATIONS in it, in all caps and bold letters! I could've welcomed any stranger who would talk to me while I was walking with that huge grin in my face I just couldn't wipe off.
I excitedly sent my dad a message telling him the good news. Not that I expected a reply. It was just my way of somehow reaching out to him and if in any way it could change his mindset of how a proud daughter I am.
So anyway, I was surprised when my phone beeped and I got a reply from him. Only it was an empty message.
I almost laughed. My dad has a new phone and he must have pressed some wrong keys here and there. Knowing my dad, he had no intention of replying. Who knows, maybe he was even trying to press the delete button!
In any case, I was still delighted. I knew he got my message.
Soon, I'm hoping to get not just an empty message. Maybe something that says he's proud of me.
There's nothing wrong with holding on to a promise of reconciliation. =)
Imagine how traumatic that can be! I spent significant amount of time doubting whether I was really good enough. I was humiliated. My pride wounded.
Fortunately, that was the story of the past.
Failures always get me challenged. After failing all those exams, I said: I would avenge myself. I will prove to the whole world that I was not created to fail.
As determined as I was to redeem myself, I passed the exams the second time around. All of it. Take that huh! (Me talking to the universities who once rejected me.)
The greatest news of today: another job entrance from a company I once dreamed working for, and I PASSED! I was literally smiling the entire time since I got the letter with the word CONGRATULATIONS in it, in all caps and bold letters! I could've welcomed any stranger who would talk to me while I was walking with that huge grin in my face I just couldn't wipe off.
I excitedly sent my dad a message telling him the good news. Not that I expected a reply. It was just my way of somehow reaching out to him and if in any way it could change his mindset of how a proud daughter I am.
So anyway, I was surprised when my phone beeped and I got a reply from him. Only it was an empty message.
I almost laughed. My dad has a new phone and he must have pressed some wrong keys here and there. Knowing my dad, he had no intention of replying. Who knows, maybe he was even trying to press the delete button!
In any case, I was still delighted. I knew he got my message.
Soon, I'm hoping to get not just an empty message. Maybe something that says he's proud of me.
There's nothing wrong with holding on to a promise of reconciliation. =)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
An Absurd Thought About Ashley
I've heard it many times. I've cried over Ashley's story again and again. How can one person who "had life for the first time in her 22 years" just died after 4 months of finding that life? But then there's always a reason for everything, right? Ashley had been an inspiration to the entire world in just a matter of four months. Maybe that's her purpose. Or that it is the way to get her dad to know the Truth. Those are pretty good reasons. And I don't discount the fact that as short as her life may have been, it really made an impact even to those people who didn't even know her. We may speculate other reasons, but then again nobody can really tell. One day, I'll ask God about it.
So now I'm talking about life's purpose and death.
Sometimes I wonder if God would allow me to not wake up the next morning. How would that affect the world? Would God use my death to shout his glory as well? Maybe to get to touch the heart of my dad too? Would my reason for existence be to dramatically change the world by my death?
Haha. I can almost hear God say "What on earth are you thinking about?"
There's a lot of work to do! Nations to reach. Eyes to be opened. Lives to be changed. And I believe that my living could do a lot more than me being inside a casket right away. And I am excited to do the work! I'm excited about how God will reveal before my very eyes the benefits of working with him...alive.
Ashley's story is just one of a kind. And I just wonder about death sometimes. That's all. *wink*
So now I'm talking about life's purpose and death.
Sometimes I wonder if God would allow me to not wake up the next morning. How would that affect the world? Would God use my death to shout his glory as well? Maybe to get to touch the heart of my dad too? Would my reason for existence be to dramatically change the world by my death?
Haha. I can almost hear God say "What on earth are you thinking about?"
There's a lot of work to do! Nations to reach. Eyes to be opened. Lives to be changed. And I believe that my living could do a lot more than me being inside a casket right away. And I am excited to do the work! I'm excited about how God will reveal before my very eyes the benefits of working with him...alive.
Ashley's story is just one of a kind. And I just wonder about death sometimes. That's all. *wink*
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
The Nod
He's been giving me the same nod for a few months now. Every time I'd invite him for lunch or dinner, or even when I'm just saying goodbye as I leave the house.
Yesterday, I opened my mouth for some words again- "I'm leaving." He was talking to someone over the phone and gave me like a 3-second look and nodded. Phew. Not that I expected something more than that. It took me 30 minutes or so just to get the courage to say goodbye. At least I got some form of acknowledgment ;)
This season's gonna be tougher than I expected. I still get a feeling of uncertainty once in a while, but I found a secret to overcome that! Fixing on a promise that's certain. A promise that never changes. A love that stands firm. And I believe soon, I'll be getting more than just a nod from my dad. Who knows, maybe a hug? =)
Yesterday, I opened my mouth for some words again- "I'm leaving." He was talking to someone over the phone and gave me like a 3-second look and nodded. Phew. Not that I expected something more than that. It took me 30 minutes or so just to get the courage to say goodbye. At least I got some form of acknowledgment ;)
This season's gonna be tougher than I expected. I still get a feeling of uncertainty once in a while, but I found a secret to overcome that! Fixing on a promise that's certain. A promise that never changes. A love that stands firm. And I believe soon, I'll be getting more than just a nod from my dad. Who knows, maybe a hug? =)
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Manila: For Real?
Day 2 in Manila.
I almost cried out of exasperation yesterday. I didn't realize how frustrating it was to look for an apartment. All the ones I've checked looked either scary or unhygienic. Just imagining myself to be living in such kind of place makes me wanna throw up and feel sorry for myself. Add the remark of my friend, "this must be really hard for you..." with that sympathetic look. Ugh, I wanted to burst in tears right there and then!
But well, that was yesterday. And I made a promise I'll quit playing the victim role! So I woke up early and prepared myself for another day. I still had some anxiety attacks and the I-don't-want-to-do-this-anymore bratty attitude of mine, but give me a break. I am just beginning, okay?
So after all those delays before I could even step out of my friend's condo, I finally headed on for my day 2's adventure. I went for a job interview, which gave me an option to accept or decline the offer. Talk about favor. The decision just depends on whether I would take the job or not! Then, I went on to look for an apartment again. Favor #2? I found the perfect place!
Now it's mid-afternoon and I'm really tired. But I feel I've accomplished a lot already. I know I've got to endure a lot more long walks and jeepney rides for a while. (Now I realize how sheltered I was back in college. I never did any of these stuffs before!) But still in my heart I know I need to pass this test. I've allowed enough foolishness to consume me in the past. This I cannot afford to fail. I can't quit just yet. God must have something wonderful ahead of me and I'm in faith God's grace is sufficient for me to get there!
I almost cried out of exasperation yesterday. I didn't realize how frustrating it was to look for an apartment. All the ones I've checked looked either scary or unhygienic. Just imagining myself to be living in such kind of place makes me wanna throw up and feel sorry for myself. Add the remark of my friend, "this must be really hard for you..." with that sympathetic look. Ugh, I wanted to burst in tears right there and then!
But well, that was yesterday. And I made a promise I'll quit playing the victim role! So I woke up early and prepared myself for another day. I still had some anxiety attacks and the I-don't-want-to-do-this-anymore bratty attitude of mine, but give me a break. I am just beginning, okay?
So after all those delays before I could even step out of my friend's condo, I finally headed on for my day 2's adventure. I went for a job interview, which gave me an option to accept or decline the offer. Talk about favor. The decision just depends on whether I would take the job or not! Then, I went on to look for an apartment again. Favor #2? I found the perfect place!
Now it's mid-afternoon and I'm really tired. But I feel I've accomplished a lot already. I know I've got to endure a lot more long walks and jeepney rides for a while. (Now I realize how sheltered I was back in college. I never did any of these stuffs before!) But still in my heart I know I need to pass this test. I've allowed enough foolishness to consume me in the past. This I cannot afford to fail. I can't quit just yet. God must have something wonderful ahead of me and I'm in faith God's grace is sufficient for me to get there!
Friday, August 6, 2010
Yesterday: A Series of Unwise Decisions
Have you done something and looked so unshakable about it and yet what you really wanted was just the exact opposite of what you've been portraying? Or is it just me? Maybe it's just part of the complicated nature of women. Sometimes, I don't get myself either. Phew!
There were instances in my life when I wanted to be alone and sort things out or simply to have a moment of peace. I call those my me-time.
Yesterday wasn't one of those.
Yesterday, I wanted to be surrounded with people. I wanted to feel loved and cared for. Yet, I wore that mask that I needed nobody. That I could very well take care of myself. That I enjoyed the solitude.
I pushed people away. I remained in my cave. And I waited. I waited if someone would look for me. But, the act was successful. Everyone was fooled by the facade. People called out but nobody looked farther. Nobody searched deeper.
Inside, I focused on the darkness. It was awful.
Now I ask, was it worth it? Did it do me any good? What on earth was I trying to prove? Not only did I push away the people who care about me deeply, but I also shut myself off from the great love being poured on me. Just because what, I wanted more?
I chose not to accept what was given to me. I chose not to listen. Instead I believed nobody cared. While my head knew very well I am never alone, my feelings betrayed me.
I was awakened by a reminder of a love beyond measure. A love beyond reason. A love that knows how ragged I am, yet holds me like the most priceless treasure in the world. And my worth isn't determined by my raggedness, but by his love. A love that laid down his life for me. Who questions that? Who asks for more than that?
Yesterday may be a moment of weakness. I may have slipped from that confidence. I may have allowed the lies to feed my heart. But...Oh boy, you have no idea how amazing it feels to be lifted up by a love so strong. A love so great. A love that stays. And I mean, forever.
I can be at the deepest ends of the earth, but this love will always find me. And it's the kind of love that I've always yearned for. How could I forget? Still, I know He looks on me beyond my here and now.
And in that love, I choose to run to.
There were instances in my life when I wanted to be alone and sort things out or simply to have a moment of peace. I call those my me-time.
Yesterday wasn't one of those.
Yesterday, I wanted to be surrounded with people. I wanted to feel loved and cared for. Yet, I wore that mask that I needed nobody. That I could very well take care of myself. That I enjoyed the solitude.
I pushed people away. I remained in my cave. And I waited. I waited if someone would look for me. But, the act was successful. Everyone was fooled by the facade. People called out but nobody looked farther. Nobody searched deeper.
Inside, I focused on the darkness. It was awful.
Now I ask, was it worth it? Did it do me any good? What on earth was I trying to prove? Not only did I push away the people who care about me deeply, but I also shut myself off from the great love being poured on me. Just because what, I wanted more?
I chose not to accept what was given to me. I chose not to listen. Instead I believed nobody cared. While my head knew very well I am never alone, my feelings betrayed me.
I was awakened by a reminder of a love beyond measure. A love beyond reason. A love that knows how ragged I am, yet holds me like the most priceless treasure in the world. And my worth isn't determined by my raggedness, but by his love. A love that laid down his life for me. Who questions that? Who asks for more than that?
Yesterday may be a moment of weakness. I may have slipped from that confidence. I may have allowed the lies to feed my heart. But...Oh boy, you have no idea how amazing it feels to be lifted up by a love so strong. A love so great. A love that stays. And I mean, forever.
I can be at the deepest ends of the earth, but this love will always find me. And it's the kind of love that I've always yearned for. How could I forget? Still, I know He looks on me beyond my here and now.
And in that love, I choose to run to.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The Big Pic: Exposed
I stand in front of totally shattered walls. I let out a deep sigh.
Is it of regret? Or relief?
I circle around the crumbles. I stare at the very thing being protected by the once sturdy walls.
It's there.
Exposed.
Now what?
Do I wait for it to just be blown away? Or do I simply turn my back?
The walls are destroyed. There's no use waiting. There's only one thing left to do.
Leave.
But then again, it takes another load of painful courage to do just that.
I stared. I lingered. I ached.
It's there.
Exposed.
I broke my walls. I let go of my illusory right to hold it strongly.
Do I need to hurt some more?
A strong wind pushes me farther.
And I step back.
Then a few more step.
And a few more.
Is it of regret? Or relief?
I circle around the crumbles. I stare at the very thing being protected by the once sturdy walls.
It's there.
Exposed.
Now what?
Do I wait for it to just be blown away? Or do I simply turn my back?
The walls are destroyed. There's no use waiting. There's only one thing left to do.
Leave.
But then again, it takes another load of painful courage to do just that.
I stared. I lingered. I ached.
It's there.
Exposed.
I broke my walls. I let go of my illusory right to hold it strongly.
Do I need to hurt some more?
A strong wind pushes me farther.
And I step back.
Then a few more step.
And a few more.
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